By Patrick J. Burns
In the wake of yet another Halloween, millions of Americans are, no doubt, consuming tons of leftover treats. Yes, it's an annual ritual that few can avoid but one about which many complain. We are all subject to the same rants about the broken diets, failed exercise regimens and extra calories generated by the ingestion of all that undispensed candy. But these are the whinings of the unaware, the unenlightened, for the real danger lurks beneath a select few of those brightly-colored wrappers. Some of these treats contain a substance so foul, so malicious that the federal government has been called upon in an effort to help save our citizenry from certain doom. Uncle Sam is going to save us from........the peanut.
The peanut is a sinister little legume whose infiltration of the food pyramid cannot be tolerated any further. Peanuts, at the very least, may make you fat and, when they are at their worst, they can kill you. Yes, for a select and unfortunate few this popular snack food can spell disaster. For those with peanut allergy, exposure may result in mild symptoms similar to that of pollen allergy (itchy, watery eyes and a runny nose) or, in the most sever cases, may trigger anaphylactic shock. Resulting from the release of histamine and other complex chemicals, anaphylaxis can cause asphyxia, hypotension and cardiac arrhythmia, among other symptoms.
The deleterious influence of the peanut has continued, uninterrupted, for over a century now since the pioneering work of Dr. George Washington Carver. It was he who, in the late nineteenth century, persuaded southern farmers to abandon their nearly complete dependence on cotton in favor growing peanuts and sweet potatoes as cash crops. Doing so would improve both the southern economy as well as the soil in which these crops were being grown. Dr. Carver's laboratory experiments with the peanut led to the development of soaps, coffees, inks, dyes, wood stains and other items of use to Industrial Age America. But unfortunately, we all know what's said about good intentions.
Fortunately for us, our federal government is a big, warm, fuzzy, compassionate, nineties-kinda behemoth that is taking active measures to protect the population from any further damage. Following the lead of many schools which have removed all peanut products from their lunch menus, the feds have required domestic airlines to establish "peanut buffer zones", defined as a minimum of three peanut-free rows, on flights carrying passengers with documented peanut allergy. Anne Munoz-Furlong, founder of the Food Allergy Network in Fairfax, Virginia is foursquare behind the move, estimating that as many as two million Americans suffer from peanut allergy. Ms. Furlong contends that exposure to peanut fumes in an aircraft cabin may produce symptoms as severe as itchy eyes or a runny nose. Thank God for those heroes at the Transportation Department.
This though can only be regarded as a first step in fighting foodstuffs that can cause our lives to become hell. For the recovering alcoholic, we should insist on an alcohol-free zone on our domestic flights and, for the obese, a food-free area. Actually, the feds should just get right to the point and require a death-free area on the plane in case of a crash. I mean if we are going to bureaucratize, let's go for the gold.
But what about all those other allergies? Many children are allergic to milk and lots of unsuspecting adults may vomit for hours after eating an oyster. Yes, the problem is much larger than any of us can imagine. Perhaps the government could publish a pamphlet on potential allergens one may encounter on forms of transportation or, for that matter, anywhere else. The brochure might contain chapters like, "Shuck this: Ten Reasons to Think Twice Before Eating That Clam," or, "It Ain't Mother's Milk: The Killer Cow," or perhaps, "The Latex Allergy: Why the Condom May Not Be Your Friend".
I hope those powerful members of our nanny state consider my thoughtful and compassionate proposal. This public information campaign won't be easy though, and will need a real heavyweight to make it fly. I would like to nominate our First Lady, Hillary Rodham Clinton, for this daunting task. If she can travel the country, winning elections for what should have been a large slate of losers, she can surely persuade the nation that milk is toxic.
I feel safer already.
(Catch Patrick J. Burns regular column called "Coda" at Common Conservative, a stellar website dedicated to practical conservatism for the common man. The Voice of a Few Americans HIGHLY recommends the Common Conservative as a must read website.)
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