OK, Maxine (yes, the greeting card lady) is my personal hero. I have to do a whole section on her. Hope you don't mind.
___________________________
How do we know global warming isn't just Mother Nature having a hot flash?
I'm sweating in places I'd rather not be reminded I have.
Self-tanning lotion?
Who else are you gonna tan?
Recipes are like a dating service. They never end up looking like the picture.
I really miss the ex. Did I say ex? I meant sex.
___________________________
Kudos! to Mr John Wagner for bringing us Maxine! I Love you man! (snif snif) You can find out more about Mr Wagner and Maxine at: Hallmark.com
(Note the new link, UComics no longer has Maxine comics.)
It is not necessary for the public to know whether I am joking or whether I am serious, just as it is not necessary for me to know it myself.
-Salvador Dali
Art is anything you can get away with.
-Terence Trent D'Arby
Learn not only to find what you like, learn to like what you find.
-Anthony J. D'Angelo
Sex without love is an empty gesture. But as empty gestures go, it is one of the best.
-Woody Allen
Brain: an apparatus with which we think we think.
-Ambrose Bierce
Knowledge and belief are two separate tracks that run parallel to each other and never meet, except in the child.
- Godfried Bomans
To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and whatever you hit, call it the target.
- Ashleigh Brilliant
From my new favorite show
"Dead Like Me"
Rube: Now I lost my train of thought, what was I saying? Yes. Be patient for Christ sake. You're learning. Just smell some fucking roses already.
Dr : When you say obsessed with toiletries, do you mean cosmetics, deoderants, personal hygienics?
"Mom": No, she's obsessed with a toilet tree! A tree... Full of toilet seats.
"Mom": Reggie thought she would teach the gerbil to swim.
"Dad": Aw, why would you teach a gerbil to swim?
Reggie: 'Cause mom said said everyone needs to know how to swim.
"Mom": OK, well yes sweetie, I did say that, but throwing him in the toilet is a rather "tough love" approach, don't ya think?
From all the others...
Dave: Bill, haven't you ever heard the expression, "When life gives you lemons, make lemonade?"
Bill: Dave, haven't you ever heard the expression, "When life gives you lemons, make lemonade, and then throw it in the face of the person who gave you the lemons until they give you the oranges you originally
asked for?"
-NewsRadio
Cop: Are you ok?
Randolph: I don't know. I'm generally pretty f*cked up, so it's hard to gauge.
-Death to Smoochy
Hi, my name is Steve. I come from a rough area. I used to be addicted to crack but now I am off it and trying to stay clean. That is why I am selling magazine subscriptions.
-Office Space
Milking a yak is no picnic, but once you pick out all the hairs it's very nutritious.
-Monsters Inc
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