Clarification of Corporate Lingo
COMPETITIVE SALARY:
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY:
We have no time to train you.
CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE:
We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up;
well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.
MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED:
You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.
SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED:
Some time each night and some time each weekend.
DUTIES WILL VARY:
Anyone in the office can boss you around.
MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL:
We have no quality control.
CAREER-MINDED:
Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).
APPLY IN PERSON:
If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the
position has been filled.
NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE:
We've filled the job; our call for resumes is
just a legal formality.
SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE
VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE:
You'll need it to replace three people who just left.
PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST:
You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.
REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS:
You'll have the responsibilities of a manager,
without the pay or respect.
GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS:
Management communicates, you listen,
figure out what they want and do it.
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Ads
Local ad for a Plumber:
"We repair what your husband fixed."
On the trucks of a local plumbing company in Pennsylvania:
"Don't sleep with a drip - call your plumber."
Pizza shop slogan:
"7 days without pizza makes one Weak."
At a tire shop in Milwaukee:
"Invite us to your next blowout."
Door of a plastic surgeon's office:
"Hello, can we pick your nose?"
Sign at the psychic's Hotline:
"Don't call us, we'll call you."
At a Laundry Shop:
"How about we refund your money,
send you a new one at no charge,
close the store and have the manager shot.
Would that be satisfactory?"
At a Towing Company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
Billboard on the side of the road:
"Keep your eyes on the road and stop reading these signs."
On an Electricians truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."
In a Non-smoking Area:
"If we see smoking, we will assume you are on fire
and take appropriate action."
On Maternity Room Door:
"Push, Push, Push."
At an Optometrist's Office:
"If you don't see what your looking for,
you've come to the right place."
On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."
In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."
On a Butchers window:
"Let me meat your needs."
On a fence:
"Salesman Welcome, Dog food is expensive."
At a car Dealership :
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment Necessary, we hear you coming."
Outside a Hotel:
"Help! We need inn-experienced people."
On a desk in a reception room:
"We shoot every 3rd salesman and the 2nd one just left."
In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes, Sit ! Stay! "
At the Electric Company:
"We would be de-lighted if you send in your bill.
However, if you don't, you will be."
On the door of a Computer Store:
"Out for a quick byte."
In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry,
come on in and get fed up."
Inside a Bowling Alley:
"Please be quiet, we need to hear a pin drop."
In the front yard of a funeral home:
"Drive carefully, we'll wait."
In a counselor's office:
"Growing old is mandatory, growing wise is optional."
On a door mat:
"Please ring door bell and run.
The dog needs exercise."
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Drunk
A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning
by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to
the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring
rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is three o'clock in the
morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not, it is three in the morning and it is pouring out!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you
remember about three months ago when we broke down and
those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and
should be ashamed of yourself!"
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the
pounding rain. He calls out into the dark,
"Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk.
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"YOU KNOW YOU'RE LIVING IN THE YEAR 2002 WHEN..."
1. Your reason for not staying in touch with family is because
they do not have an e-mail address.
2. You have a list of 15 phone numbers
to reach your family of three.
3. Your grandmother asks you to send her a JPEG file of your
newborn so she can create a screen saver.
4. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone
to see if anyone is home.
5. Every commercial on television has a web site address at
the bottom of the screen.
6. You buy a computer and 3 months later it is out of date and
now sells for half the price you paid.
7. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you
didn't have the first 20 or 30 years of your life, is now a
cause for panic and you turn around to go get it.
8. Using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a
purchase would be a hassle and take planning.
9. You just tried to enter your password on the microwave.
10. You consider second-day air delivery painfully slow.
11. Your dining room table is now your flat filing cabinet.
12. Your idea of being organized is multiple-colored
Post-it notes.
13. You hear most of your jokes via e-mail
instead of in person.
14. You get an extra phone line so you can get phone calls.
15. You disconnect from the Internet and get this awful,
feeling, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
16. You get up in the morning and go online
before getting your coffee.
17. You wake up at 2 AM to go to the bathroom
and check your E-mail on your way back to bed.
18. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :)
19. You're reading this.
20. Even worse; you're going to give this to someone else.
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Philosophy
An eccentric philosophy professor gave a one question final
exam after a semester dealing with a broad array of topics.
The class was already seated and ready to go when the professor picked up his chair, plopped it on his desk and
wrote on the board: "Using everything we have learned this semester, prove that this chair does not exist."
Fingers flew, erasers erased, notebooks were filled in furious
fashion. Some students wrote over 30 pages in one hour
attempting to refute the existence of the chair. One member
of the class however, was up and finished in less than a minute.
Weeks later when the grades were posted, the rest of the group wondered how he could have gotten an A when he had barely written anything at all.
His answer consisted of two words: "What chair?"
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