This guy and his girlfriend head to the local bar. When they
arrive, the girl says she would like to pick up the first round,
as she's heard of a new drink she wants him to try.
When she gets back to the table, she has two drinks for him.
One is a measure of Bailey's. The other full of lime juice. She
says, "OK, what you have to do is swig the Bailey's, hold it in
your mouth, and then drink the lime juice." He looks a little
dubious but does as he's told because she's really cute when
she's enthusiastic.
First he swallows the Bailey's. Smooth. Creamy.
A warm feeling in his mouth.
Then he chugs the lime juice.
After about a second, the cream in the Bailey's
curdles in his mouth.
Two seconds into it his face turns the color of
fresh lime juice.
Three seconds and he finally calms his stomach enough
to swallow the mess.
As he makes a face, she whispers sweetly in his ear,
"It's called 'Blowjob Revenge'.
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How to speak about MEN
and be Politically Correct:
1. He does not have a BEER GUT
- he has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY
2. He is not a BAD DANCER
- he is OVERLY CAUCASIAN
3. He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME
- he INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS
4. He is not BALDING
- he is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION
5. He is not a CRADLE ROBBER
- he prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS
6. He does not get FALLING DOWN DRUNK
- he becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL
7. He does not act like a TOTAL ASS
- he develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION
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Weird!
This is creepy!
Think of a letter between A and W...
Repeat it out loud as you scroll down.
(Keep going)
(Don't stop)
Think of an animal that begins with that letter...
Repeat it out loud as you scroll down.
Think of either a man's/woman's name that begins
with the last letter in the animals name...
(Almost there)
Now count out the letters in that name on the fingers
of the hand you are not using to scroll down.
Take the hand you counted with and hold it out
in front of you at face level...
Look at you palm very closely and notice the
lines in your hand...
Do the lines take the form of the first
letter in the persons name?
Of course not.
Now smack yourself in the head, get a life,
and quit playing stupid e-mail games!
Smile & have a great day!
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25 SIGNS YOU'VE GROWN UP
1. Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of
them.
2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.
6. You watch the Weather Channel.
7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and
break up.
8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."
10. You're the one calling the police because those damn
kids next door won't turn down the stereo.
11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around
you.
12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
13. Your car insurance goes down and your payments go up.
14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonalds
leftovers.
15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 PM.
17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the
beginning of one.
18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely
upset, rather than settle, your stomach.
19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not
condoms and pregnancy tests.
20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."
21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
22. "I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces,
"I'm never going to drink that much again."
23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for
real work.
24. You no longer drink at home to save money before going
to a bar.
25. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign
that doesn't apply to you.
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DATING HINTS FOR GENTLEMEN
There are LOTS of ways to ruin a date.
Here are a few things NOT to say on a date...
"Nice outfit. Is that a wonder-bra?"
"I really don't like this restaurant that much, but I wanted
to use this 2-for-1 coupon before it expired."
"No wine for me tonight. My urologist says it's not good to
mix alcohol and penicillin."
"I refuse to get cable. That's how they keep tabs on you."
"People say I remind them of Eddie Haskell."
"I used to come here all the time with my ex."
"I never said you NEED a nose job.
I just said it wouldn't hurt to consider it."
"Could you excuse me? My cat gets lonely if he doesn't hear
my voice on the answering machine every hour."
"I like clay. It's mushy."
"I really feel that I've grown in the past few years. Used to be
I wouldn't have given someone like you a second look."
"And I won that trophy in the inter-fraternity belching
contest."
"It's been tough, but I've come to accept that most people I
date just won't be as smart as I am."
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