| Life's Unanswered Questions If you throw a cat out of the car window, does it become kitty litter? If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn? If you take an Asian person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented? Is it OK to use the AM radio after noon? What do chickens think we taste like? What do people in China call their good plates? What do you call a male ladybug? What hair color do they put on the driver's license of a bald man? When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it? Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes? Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections? Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle? Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them? Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive? Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds? Why are there Interstates in Hawaii? Why are there flotation devices in the seats of planes instead of parachutes? Why are cigarettes sold at gas stations where smoking is prohibited? Have you ever imagined a world without hypothetical situations? How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work? If the 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why does it have locks on the door? Why is a bra singular and panties plural? You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff? If a firefighter fights fire and a crime fighter fights crime, what does a freedom fighter fight? If they squeeze olives to get olive oil, how do they get baby oil? If a cow laughs, does milk come out of her nose? If you are driving at the speed of light and you turn your headlights on, what happens? Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of a drive-up ATM? Why is it that when you transport something by car it is called shipment, but when you transport something by ship it's called cargo? Why don't sheep shrink when it rains? What would Geronimo say if he jumped out of an airplane? Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together? If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress? If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal? Back to Email List ______________________________________________________ More Of Life's Unanswered Questions Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin? Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darken our skin? Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed? Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle? Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"? Why is "abbreviated" such a long word? Why is a boxing ring square? Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips? Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"? Why is it that rain drops but snow falls? Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio? Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons? Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker? Why is the third hand on the watch called second hand? Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour? Why is the word dictionary in the dictionary? Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet? Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food? Why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance that little indestructible black box is? Can fat people go skinny-dipping? Back to Email List ______________________________________________________ The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in high school was my blood alcohol content. I live in my own little world, but it's OK, everyone knows me here. I saw a rather large woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, "Thyroid problem?" I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same effect just by standing up really fast. Sign In Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..." Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with. I got a sweater for Christmas.. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the "terminal"? I don't approve of political jokes.. I've seen too many of them get elected. The most precious thing we have is life, yet it has absolutely no trade-in value. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and shithead's. If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at bowling alleys. I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, and therefore I am perfect. I married my wife for her looks, but not the ones she's been giving me lately! Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive. Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was a...salted. No one ever says "It's only a game!" when their team is winning. Mid-life is when you go to the doctor and you realize you are now so old, you have to pay someone to look at you naked. Mid-life has hit you when you stand naked in front of a mirror and can see your rear end without turning around. How come we choose from just two people for president and 50 for Miss America? How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked? The next time you feel like complaining remember: Your garbage disposal probably eats better than thirty percent of the people in this world. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been." Back to Email List ______________________________________________________ New Prayer Since the Pledge of Allegiance and The Lord's Prayer are not allowed in most public schools anymore because the word God is mentioned....a kid in Arizona wrote the attached NEW School prayer. Now I sit me down in school Where praying is against the rule For this great nation under God Finds mention of Him very odd. If Scripture now the class recites, It violates the Bill of Rights. And anytime my head I bow Becomes a Federal matter now. Our hair can be purple, orange or green, That's no offense; it's a freedom scene. The law is specific, the law is precise. Prayers spoken aloud are a serious vice. For praying in a public hall Might offend someone with no faith at all. In silence alone we must meditate, God's name is prohibited by the state. We're allowed to cuss and dress like freaks, And pierce our noses, tongues and cheeks. They've outlawed guns, but FIRST the Bible. To quote the Good Book makes me liable. We can elect a pregnant Senior Queen, And the 'unwed daddy,' our Senior King. It's inappropriate to teach right from wrong, We're taught that such judgments do not belong. We can get our condoms and birth controls, Study witchcraft, vampires and totem poles. But the Ten Commandments are not allowed, No word of God must reach this crowd. It's scary here I must confess, When chaos reigns the school's a mess. So, Lord, this silent plea I make: Should I be shot; My soul please take! Amen (We could learn so much from our children) Back to Email List ______________________________________________________ ARF For all you pervs out there... Uh huh, you can get your mind out of the gutter now. Back to Email List ______________________________________________________ Do you have A.A.A.D.D? They have finally found a diagnosis for my condition. Hooray! I have recently been diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder...This is how it goes: I decide to wash the car; I start toward the garage and notice the mail on the table. OK, I'm going to wash the car. But first I'm going to go through the mail. I lay the car keys down on the desk, discard the junk mail and I notice the trash can is full. OK, I'll just put the bills on my desk and take the trash can out, but since I'm going to be near the mailbox anyway, I'll pay these few bills first. Now, where is my checkbook? Oops, there's only one check left. My extra checks are in my desk. Oh, there's the coke I was drinking. I'm going to look for those checks. But first I need to put my coke further away from the computer, or maybe I'll pop it into the fridge to keep it cold for a while. I head towards the kitchen and my flowers catch my eye, they need some water. I set the coke on the counter and ooh oh! There are my glasses. I was looking for them all morning! I'd better put them away first. I fill a container with water and head for the flower pots - - Aaaaaagh! Someone left the TV remote in the kitchen. We will never think to look in the kitchen tonight when we want to watch television so I'd better put it back in the family room where it belongs. I splash some water into the pots and onto the floor, I throw the remote onto a soft cushion on the sofa and I head back down the hall trying to figure out what it was I was going to do? End of Day: The car isn't washed, the bills are unpaid, the coke is sitting on the kitchen counter, the flowers are half watered, the checkbook still only has one check in it and I can't seem to find my car keys! When I try to figure out how come nothing got done today, I'm baffled because I KNOW I WAS BUSY ALL DAY LONG! I realize this is a serious condition and I'll get help, BUT FIRST, I think I'll check my e-mail... |
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