Everyone Say It With Me...
1) I will NOT get bad luck, lose my friends, or lose my mailing
lists if I DON'T forward an email!
2) I will NOT hear any music or see a taco dog, if I do forward
an e-mail.
3) Bill Gates is NOT going to send me money, Victoria's Secret
doesn't know anything about a gift certificate they're supposed
to send me.
4) Ford will NOT give me a 50% discount even if I forward my
e-mail to more than 50 people!
5) I will NEVER receive gift certificates, coupons, or freebies
from Coca Cola, Cracker Barrel, Old Navy, or anyone else if I
send an e-mail to 10 people.
6) I will NEVER see a pop-up window if I forward an e-mail.
NEVER EVER!!
7) There is NO SUCH THING as an e-mail tracking program,
and I am not STUPID enough to think that someone will send
me $100 for forwarding an e-mail to 10 or more people!
8) There is NO kid with cancer through the Make-a-Wish
program in England collecting anything! He did when he was 7
years old. He is now cancer free and 35 years old and
DOESN'T WANT ANY MORE POST CARDS, or GET-
WELL CARDS.
9) The government does not have a bill in Congress called 901B
(or whatever they named it this week) that, if passed, will
enable them to charge us 5 cents for every e-mail we send.
10) There will be NO cool dancing, singing, waving, colorful
flowers, characters, or program that I will receive
immediately after I forward an e-mail. NONE, ZIP, ZERO,
NADA!!
11) The American Red Cross will NOT donate 50 cents to
certain individual dying of some never-heard-of disease for
every e-mail address I send this to. The American Red Cross
RECEIVES donations.
12) And finally, I WILL NOT let others guilt me into sending me
emails by telling me I am not their friend or that I don't
believe in Jesus Christ. If God wants to send me a message, I
believe the bushes in my yard will burn before He picks up a
PC to pass it on!
Now, repeat this to yourself until you have it memorized, and send it along to at least 5 of your friends before the next full moon or you will surely be constipated for the next three months and all of your hair will fall out!
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How to Keep a Healthy Level of Insanity
1) At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and
point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
2) Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.
3) Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they
want fries with that.
4) Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "in".
5) Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone
has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
6) In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favors."
7) Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the
prophecy."
8) Dont use any punctuation marks
9) As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
10) Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they
answer.
11) Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
12) Sing along at the opera.
13) Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.
14) Put mosquito netting around your work area. Play a tape of
jungle sounds all day.
15) Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their
party because you're not in the mood.
16) Have your coworkers address you by your wrestling name,
Rock Hard Kim.
17) When the money comes out the ATM, scream "I won!", "I
won!", "Third time this week!!!!!"
18) When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot,
yelling run for your lives, they're loose!!"
19) Tell your children over dinner. "due to the economy, we are
going to have to let one of you go."
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Top 10 Things You Should Never Say to a Cop...
10) I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in
Texas)
9) Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
8) Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with
me. Good job!
7) Are You Andy or Barney?
6) I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to
be a police officer.
5) You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
4) Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a
warning, too!
3) Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of
us does.
2) I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no
other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are!
And The Number One Thing To Never Say To An Officer Of The Law....
1) When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have
you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond
with,"Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating
doughnuts?"
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17 Ways to Shock Your Stallmates
1) Stick your palm open under the stall wall and ask your
neighbor, "May I borrow a highlighter?"
2) Say "Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't put my lips on that."
3) Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence
with a bodily function noise.
4) Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before."
5) Drop a marble and say, "Oh shoot!! My glass eye!!"
6) Say "Damn, this water is cold."
7) Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a
cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a high place and sigh
relaxingly.
8) Say, "Now how did that get there?"
9) Say, "Humus. Reminds me of humus."
10) Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically
under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling, "Whoa!
Easy boy!!"
11) Say," Interesting....more sinkers than floaters"
12) Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of
toilet paper and drop under the stall wall of your neighbor.
Then say, "Whoops, could you kick that back over here,
please?"
13) Say, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggot."
14) Say, "Damn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small.
Now what am I gonna do?"
15) Play a well known drum cadence over and over again on
your butt cheeks.
16) Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall and adjust it
so you can see your neighbor and say, "Peek-a-boo!"
17) Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing
"Born Free."
Oh come on, they were Sorta funny.
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Signs for Stupid People
Stupid people should have to wear signs that just say, "I'm Stupid". That way you wouldn't rely on them, would you? You wouldn't ask them anything. It would be like, "Excuse me... oops, never mind. I didn't see your sign."
It's like before my wife and I moved. Our house was full of boxes and there was a U-Haul truck in our driveway. My neighbor comes over and says "Hey,you moving?"
"Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week to see how many boxes it takes. Here's your sign."
A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy of mine, we pulled the boat into the dock, I lifted up this big 'ol stringer of bass and this idiot on the dock goes, "Hey, y'all catch all them fish?"
"Nope. talked 'em into giving up. Here's your sign."
I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery Channel. There was a guy inventing a shark bite suit. And there's only one way to test it. "Alright Jimmy, you got that shark suit on, it looks good... They want you to jump into this pool of sharks, and you tell us if it hurts when they bite you."
"Well, all right, but hold my sign. I don't wanna lose it."
Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into one of those side-of-the-road gas stations. The attendant walks out, looks at my truck, looks at me, and I SWEAR he said, "Tire go flat?"
I couldn't resist. I said, "Nope. I was driving around and those other three just swelled right up on me. Here's your sign."
We were trying to sell our car about a year ago. A guy came over to the house and drove the car around for about 45 minutes. We get back to the house, he gets out of the car, reaches down and grabs the exhaust pipe, then says, "&!%$#! Damn that's hot!" See? If he'd been wearing his sign, I could have stopped him.
I stayed late at work one night and a co-worker looked at me and said, "Are you still here?"
I replied, "No, I left about 10 minutes ago. Here's your sign."
I learned to drive an 18 wheeler in my days of adventure. Wouldn't you know I misjudged the height of a bridge. The truck got stuck and I couldn't get it out no matter how I tried. I radioed in for help and eventually a local cop shows up to take the report. He went through his basic questioning..ok..no problem. I thought sure he was clear of needing a sign...until he asked "So..is your truck stuck?"
I couldn't help myself! I looked at him, looked back at the rig and then back to him and said, "no, I'm delivering a bridge...here's your sign."
Anybody you know need a sign today?
I don't know who wrote this, but he gets the Honorary BrainiaX Award!
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This was an actual letter from and a reply to the Michigan Department of Environmental Quality, State of Michigan: Be sure to read the response that follows....
Mr. Ryan De Vries
2088 Dagget
Pierson, MI 49339
Dear Mr. DeVries:
SUBJECT: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023-1 T11N, R10W, Sec. 20, Montcalm County
It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above-referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity: Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of Spring Pond. A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity. A review of the Department's files shows that no permits have been issued.
Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.
The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at downstream locations. We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted. The Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all unauthorized activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the stream channel. All restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31,1998.
Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff. Failure to comply with this request or any further unauthorized activity on the site may result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement action.
We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this
matter. Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions.
Sincerely,
David L. Price
District Representative
Land and Water Management Division
<< RESPONSE>>
Dear Mr. Price:
Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N, R10W, Sec 20; Montcalm County
Your certified letter dated 12/17/97 has been handed to me to respond to. You sent out a great deal of carbon copies to a lot of people, but you neglected to include their addresses. You will, therefore, have to send them a copy of my response.
First of all, Mr. Ryan De Vries is not the legal landowner and/or contractor at 2088 Dagget, Pierson, Michigan - I am the legal owner and a couple of beavers are in the (State unauthorized) process of constructing and maintaining two wood "debris" dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond.
While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise their dam project, I think they would be highly offended that you call their skillful use of natural building materials "debris." I would like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate their dam project any time and/or any place you choose. I believe I can safely state there is no way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic.
As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they first must fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity.
My first dam question to you is: (1) are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers or (2) do you require all beavers throughout this State to conform to said dam request? If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, through the Freedom of Information Act I request completed copies of all those other applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued. Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451of the Public Acts of 1994,being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.
I have several concerns. My first concern is - aren't the beavers entitled to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute and are unable to pay for said representation - so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer. The Department's dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain event causing flooding is proof that this is a natural occurrence which the department is required to protect. In other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling their dam names.
If you want the stream "restored" to a dam free-flow condition - please contact the beavers - but if you are going to arrest them (they obviously did not pay any attention to your dam letter-being unable to read English) -- be sure they are read the Miranda rights first. As for me, I am not going to cause more flooding or dam debris jams by interfering with these dam builders.
If you want to hurt these dam beavers-be aware I am sending a copy of your dam letter and this response to PETA. If your dam Department seriously finds all dams of this nature inherently hazardous and truly will not permit their existence in this State-I seriously hope you are not selectively enforcing this dam policy - or once again both I and the Spring Pond Beavers will scream prejudice! In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and water flows downstream. They have more dam right than I do to live and enjoy Spring Pond.
If the Department of Natural Resources and Environmental Protection lives to its name, it should protect the natural resources (Beavers) and the environment (Beavers' Dams).
So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be referred for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait until 1/31/98? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then and there will be no way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them then.
In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention a real environmental quality (health) problem in the area. It is the bears. Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers alone. If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your step! (The bears are not careful where they dump!)
Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to your dam office via another government organization - the dam USPS.
Maybe, someday, it will get there.
Sincerely,
Stephen L. Tvedten
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Visual Perception Test
READ this whole thing before looking at the picture.
Here is a visual-perception challenge for you. See how quickly you can find the dogs in the picture in the attached JPG file. Read the text below before looking at the picture.
Typical comments by people taking the test:
1. "I couldn't see a dog and I stared at the picture for a
good 10 minutes."
2. "I think it is one of those pictures where you have to
stare at a certain spot and then everything comes
into focus, but it never happened to me. I'll give it
another try later."
3. "I almost didn't find the dogs at all!"
4. "There is a dog in this picture? Where?"
5. "This must be a joke; there are no dogs in this
picture."
Men seem to do better at this than women, for some reason. The following are average times for men and women:
Women - 12.46 minutes
Men - 1.23seconds
Hint: The dogs appear to be white with black spots.
Good luck and happy hunting.
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