"Operation Toothless"
Santa sits at his desk, typing at his computer. He completes whatever it was he was doing and turns to the intercom button on his desk. He presses it and speaks in his usual deep and jolly but somehow sinister voice…
Santa :
Send in Maureen now.He releases the button and leans back in his chair. The door at the back of his office opens and in walks Maureen, the Tooth Fairy.
Santa :
Hi there Maureen, take a seat.Maureen :
ThanksSanta :
So, how are things going with Operation Toothless? Any major success yet?Maureen :
Well, it's not good unfortunately. We've discovered the little bastards seem to be able to grow them back.Santa :
You're kidding!Rudolph :
Don't you people know anything?? Those are..Santa :
Shut up! No one asked you! You were saying, Maureen?Maureen :
Well I'm afraid it's true. As you know we were having some difficulty removing their teeth ourselves, they tend to wake up the second we start pullingSanta :
What about the money thing?Maureen :
Well, that’s been fine. As you say, to solve that problem we started leaving money if they lost a tooth. They soon caught on and we've been getting their teeth in record numbers. Now, with the amount we've been getting you'd think they would all be toothless, depressed and having a pretty awful diet, making them perfect for further exploitation. We were fairly sure we had it right this time, and took one child who we were certain had lost most his teeth for quite some time to run tests on. But he wasn't missing a single one!Rudolph :
That’s because they were just baby..Santa :
I thought I told you to shut up!Rudolph :
Sorry.To Maureen again
Santa
: He didn’t take someone else's teeth to get the money?Maureen :
Well, that’s what we thought at first, but under interrogation he claimed they were something called 'baby teeth', and grow back. We've pulled them all again, and haven't observed any regrowth so far, so he may be lying.Santa :
Maybe you should get some more test subjects. Just to be sure.Maureen :
We've been taking a fair few lately, don't you think we should leave it for a little while first, in case people start realising something is going on?Santa :
I wouldn't worry. About 30 children go missing worldwide, never to be found again, by various means each year. The other thousands we abduct ourselves and no-one's gotten any wiser, so I think it'll be alright. Just stick to the poorer ones though. As indifferent to the plight of children in general the authorities are, they still miss even just one rich kid enough to cause trouble for us.Rudolph :
I don't mean to butt in again but do you really need to get more kids? Everyone knows that teeth grow..Santa :
For the final time, shut up! I know cutting your head off doesn't seem to have done much, but if need be I'll throw your head into hell and then you'll be totally screwed!Rudolph :
Sorry.Santa :
I should hope so. So, Maureen, do you think you'll be able to arrange that?Maureen :
No problem. I'll get another dozen or so of kids on our toothless list within the next day or two in that case. What do you think we should do if they are capable of regrowing them?Santa :
I hate to say it but we might have to scrap the project. I'll get your people working with the candy labs if that happens. You know Steve Herbert from the candy labs?Maureen :
Yeah, I know him. He's the one that came up with the whole cola thing isn't he?Santa :
That’s right, dissolves teeth and just about everything else wonderfully. Anyway, Steve's working on an even more potent solid candy form of his cola, which should quite effectively weaken their skeletons and render them weak and powerless.Maureen :
Sounds like my kind of caper! Although I will miss collecting teeth if it comes to that, especially since I've started my own line of jewellery with them.Santa :
Oooh, that sounds alright. You think you could get me a few necklaces and bracelets? They'd really complement my human skin suit.Maureen :
No problem, I'll have them sent up later. But I best be running now, got to go get some test subjects and rip their teeth out.She breaks into a evil grin
Maureen :
You don't want me to start with that little reindeer's teeth there do you?Santa :
N'ah, it wouldn't do any good. The head itself is just a home for his soul, he just haunts it, so he doesn't feel any pain if you do anything to it. I'd throw him to hell but I like the look of it there.Rudolph :
I'm offended by that.Santa :
Hey, that was a complement! Sort of. Anyway, I'll see you later Maureen. Keep me updated on how it all goes. Oh, and on your way out, get my secretary to send in that little boy who Johnny sent up for me. I think I'll take my lunch break now.