"Johnny Goes Bang"
Santa sits in his office with a scrawny little boy on his lap. The boy is obviously one of his slaves, being very thin, dirty and dressed in rags.
Santa :
Now, what would you like for Christmas little boy?Boy (trembling) :
I ahh, I. Ummm…. Would like… ahhhhhh…..Santa (getting impatient) :
Just read off the card I gave you, you little shit! Now, what would you like for Christmas little boy?Boy (scared witless) :
S..s..ssorry sir… I would like.. a.. a..… beating sir… With a baseball bat sir…Santa (suddenly very contented) :
Ooooh yeah.. That’s the stuff.Rudolph (who has been watching with some disgust):
You are one sick man you know.Santa glares up at Rudolph, about to speak, but suddenly the phone on Santa's desk rings. Slightly annoyed at having the moment disturbed, he answers it.
Santa :
Hello?It is Nibbles, the Easter bunny
Nibbles :
Hi there. I hope I'm not interrupting anything?Santa :
Oh, nothing important. What's up?Nibbles :
I think we may have perfected the formula.Santa (suddenly perking up with interest) :
Are you serious?Nibbles :
Yep. We've been getting extraordinary results on our test subjects at quite a low dosage. It's quite remarkable actually. Will you be coming down for a demonstration sometime soon?Santa :
I'm on my way now!He picks up the little boy and tosses him into the fires of hell, amid protests from Rudolph, and rushes out of his office to the labs where Nibbles has been working. He goes into Nibbles' office over the lab area, where the psychotic bunny is pacing up and down with excitement.
Nibbles :
Oh good! You're here! Just wait until you see this! I've got Maureen and Johnny coming up too to see this and then we'll begin. We were carrying out routine experimentation this morning, trying to systematically iron out the problems with the seizure reactions we've been getting when one of my scientists accidentally knocked some cleaning fluid a slave had been using into a beaker. To teach the slave a lesson we made him drink the mixture. He seemed to enjoy it, the taste had actually improved! But then he proceeded to display the exact behaviour we've been looking for! So I beat him to death since that little exercise wasn't as painful as I'd have liked, and after a couple more controlled experiments, we set about mixing up a larger batch immediately. So as soon as everyone…
He is interrupted by a tremendous commotion in the lab below. There is a crashing sound, amid screams and yelling. Rushing to the window, he and Santa see the scientists, some elves, some rabbits, running around in a frenzy. In the middle of it all lies Little Johhny, on his back, with a large beaker sitting upside down on his head. Maureen stands slightly to the side, and is pushed back by a rabbit as she goes to help him. A brown liquid creeps out in a pool around Johnny, the beaker has emptied it's contents all over his head, trickling into his open mouth as well. Nibbles and Santa rush out and down the stairs to the scene of the accident, Nibbles holds Santa back from getting too close.
Maureen :
Hi guys! I am so sorry about this, I think it was my fault.Santa :
What do you mean?Maureen :
Well, I tripped over the little guy on my way through, just didn't see him there, knocked over the beaker, and well, you know…Santa :
As long as he's ok… Shouldn't we get him up from there?Santa goes to try and help again, Nibbles restrains him as he is brought protective gear by an assistant elf.
Nibbles :
Careful now, this stuff is very strong. Even skin contact may produce symptoms.Santa :
What about Johnny though?The midget elf is still lying there, groaning slightly in a pool of brown goo
Nibbles :
I don't know. We only use this in small dosages usually, that large quantity was only because we had gotten successful and needed a lot for pre production testing. Once we get this cleared up we'll evaluate his condition.As he speaks he pulls on his protective gloves and a facemask, and goes in with the other lab workers mopping up the spill, and washing off Johnny. Once it is relatively clean they lift him onto a stretcher and move him into the sick bay at the back, purpose bulit to deal with the effects of the harmful chemicals used in the lab. Johnny is still quite disoriented and sedate, but is beginning to twitch rather erratically.
Maureen :
What's happening?Nibbles :
Well, my guess is the large amount of pugnocilious tuneco, the aggression agent contained in the drug, is causing an excess reaction in poor Johnny. But the greater worry will probably be the flatulence. We've been having particularly strong results with quite small dosages on our test subjects, and he's been soaked in the stuff, and probably swallowed a fair bit too. I think we all better take one of these.He goes to a cupbaord at the side of the room and retrieves several gas masks which he hands out to everyone present - Santa, Maureen, and two elf assistants. Johnny has an oxygen mask already in place. The twitching becomes more erratic and his belly starts to swell. He begins to become more aware, and begins babbling incoherently.
Santa :
Will he live?Nibbles :
I really don't know, but it might be best to get him restrained now.The two assistants rush in with shackles and chain him down to the bed, struggling against what have become full body convulsions. Spit starts dribbling from the corner of his mouth. As they snap the last lock down, suddenly..
Johnny :
YOU FUCKING BASTARDS!!!!He lunges at the face of one of the assistants and tries to bite into it, but the chains restrain him and the oxygen masks on both of them shield the bite. Struggling to get free of the chains he twists and arches, looking very much like something out of the Exorcist.
Johnny :
WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU ALL LOOKING AT!!?!?! I'LL KILL THE WHOLE GODDAMN LOT OF YOU!!
Nibbles :
We might want to leave him to work it off. There's not much we can do. The drug will cause greater and greater aggression, with plenty of gas, so he's not going to be the most pleasant elf to be around.As he screams abuse, Johnny lifts his feet into the air, his whole back curving upward with them, and a long, loud whooshing, spluttering sound blasts through the air. His pants tear to shreds as one of the assistants, standing in front of him, is propelled through the air and is smacked into the wall behind with a thud. He struggles to get to his feet as Johnny lets another massive, windy fart rips, smashing the assistant elf's head over the brickwork with it's force. Everyone else quickly evacuates the room. Johnny screams abuse, turning purple with rage.
Santa :
Wow. That’s certainly impressive stuff.Turning to a nearby elf
Santa :
Get some of your men and put some extra support against the rear wall there. From this side. No one is to go inside that room. And hurry!Johnny's screaming drowns out most sound, but the elf gets the message and quickly gathers a group to reinforce the wall against the gale force winds coming out of Johnny's behind. Meanwhile, Santa, Nibbles and Maureen head back up to Nibbles' office. They shut the door behind them, several solid rooms away from the sick bay where Johhny is, but his screaming and flatulence can still be heard in the background. The noise level is low enough to resume normal conversation however.
Santa :
So, when can we get that shit operational?Nibbles :
Well, we'll have it out in limited distribution within the week for a pre Easter test, but the main push will come around Easter, when we have direct control of where it goes.Maureen :
What do you mean? Why can't we just distribute it now?
Nibbles :
Well the problem is we don't have all that much control in the popular chocolate factories, so we can't get it out to many people. And despite their general gluttony for chocolate, kids are taught not to take it from strangers or the like. At Easter time however, we can put the stuff directly in their houses and they scoff the lot without anyone asking questions. That also has the bonus of getting them all aggressive and flatulent at once.Maureen :
I get it now. They'll all beat the shit out of each other and gas themselves half to death. Then they'll be easy pickings. I don't even know why I'm bothering with Operation Toothless then, that’s getting bugger all done.Santa :
Oh, I wouldn't worry about that. You're all making excellent contributions to the cause. Without what you guys have done as a collective, the complete domination and subsequent destruction of the world would still be but a complete fantasy.He starts to get tears in his eyes as his voice quavers with emotion
Santa :
If it weren't for all you guys.. I.. I'd be still making stupid wooden toys in a little shed.. Come here both of you.They all have a big group hug, sobbing with gratitude for each others efforts, Johnny still screaming obscenities and breaking wind in the background. It is a truly tender moment, full of sincere feelings for each other and a true sense of friendship. A child walks hesitantly through the door, after his knocks receive no reply. She knocks on the open door again to get their attention. They all turn and stare at her.
Nibbles :
What the hell do you want? Can't you see we're busy?Small girl :
I d..d..didn't mean to… I was told…Nibbles :
Told what?Small Girl :
They're having problems holding the wall.Santa :
Geez, Johnny must really be busting his butt. Nibbles, get your people together, and clear the lab area, just in case. We don't want to lose all your work. Kill that bitch on your way out too will you?Nibbles (with an evil grin) :
Not a problem boss..
The little girl realises she's in danger and turns to run down the stairs outside the door but Nibbles bounds over in an instant and using his two oversized front teeth, bites a large chunk out of her side. He then rips an arm off and gnaws on it a little then spits it out before running off to organise the evacuation of the lab equipment. The girl quietly bleeds to death on the ground, too far in shock to even cry out in pain.
Nibbles (muttering to self) :
Sugar and spice and all things nice my arse!Meanwhile Santa and Maureen hurry off to round up extra help and supplies, directing elves, bunnies and children about back and forth bringing supplies to the wall, which is groaning under the pressure. Several of the workers become violently sick with the gas leaking through, but the job gets done quickly. Johnny's voice is going hoarse from all the abuse he is still screaming out endlessly at everyone and everything, but he is still maintaining an impressive volume.
After a couple of hours, with the wall braced with steel beams, sandbags and several layers of steel plating, he finally begins to slow down. The screaming becomes infrequent, and his butt gradually sputters down to a more normal level of force when he expels gas. Wearing protective suits and masks, an elf crew enters the room on Santa's command and begins pumping out the fumes through a large hose leading up to the surface into the open air.
With the air now at a tolerable level, Santa Nibble and Maureen re enter the room to see how their fellow personification of evil is doing. Looking completely worn out, and panting from his past efforts, Johnny's butt is a mass of stretched and torn skin, his face bruised from the blood vessels he burst screaming for so long.
Maureen :
How are you Johnny?Johnny (whispering hoarsely) :
I'm going to kill you, you fucking bitch!Nibbles :
That’s strange, usually the aggression agent wears out before the flatulence, and he's stopped farting.Johnny :
That bitch tripped over me and drowned me in that shit! What am I, fucking invisible or something!Nibbles :
Oh, well I guess he's got good cause.Maureen :
Maybe I better go.. Until he is better. And a little less pissed off at me.Santa :
That might be an idea. We'll look after him until then, won't we, 'eh Johnny?Johnny :
My arse is killing me!Santa :
Well, Nibbles here will take care of you. I've got a lot to do.Fade out as Santa and Maureen leave Nibbles to attend to Johnny, as he begins removing the restraints.