"The Problem With Children"
Little Johnny is on the floor of one of the main weapons factories, pacing up and down in a rage. The place is empty, tools unused, production lines still, shackles and chains empty. A door opens at the far end of the room and an elf dressed in winter army fatigues, and almost twice Johnny's height, tentatively walks in.
Johnny :
Well?Elf : They're still not coming sir.
Johnny (screaming) :
What do you mean they're still not coming?!?! Didn't you threaten them like I said??Elf (flinching as spittle specks his face) :
Well, sir, they said that they would rather have their tongues cut out than be worked like they are.Johnny :
What the hell is wrong with them??! I'll kill the whole goddamn lot of the little bastards!Elf :
Well, sir, that’s the point. I think a lot of them are upset as they are dying because of the..Johnny (enraged) :
Did I ask you what you think? So what if I beat a couple to death if they don't pull their weight? It's not like they have rights!Elf (hesitantly) :
I'm sorry sir, but it's just if you treated them a little better then they might not strike like this.Johnny (sweetly sarcastic) :
Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realise. If I treat them nicely then they'll behave, is that it? Is that what you think?Elf (unsure) :
Well, ummm… ahhhh…Johnny (screaming) :
Or maybe I should kill them all!!Elf (cowering but defensive) :
But sir, we need them, we can't re stock those kind of numbers easily, it took years to get what we have.Johnny :
Who's side are you on anyway? I've a good mind to make you one of them!Elf (confused) :
What, a child?Johnny (vocal chords bulging out his neck with the exertion) :
NO, A SLAVE YOU IMBECILE!!Elf :
I... I…. I'm sorry sir… I'm just trying to help..Johnny :
You want to help? YOU WANT TO HELP???!! HERE'S HOW YOU CAN HELP!!
In a furious rage now, veins bulging out of his head and neck, little Johnny picks up a scrap piece of pipe lying on the floor. He smashes the elf in the kneecaps, leaping and twisting in the air as he puts his full body weight behind the blow. With a dull crack and a yelp of pain the elf collapses to the ground. Before he can respond, Johnny hits him again and again, straight down on his head. Bits of blood and bone spit up as Johnny pounds harder and harder, at first with a hollow cracking sound that gets duller and wetter until it sounds like he is slapping a bag full of porridge. He finally stops and stands back, panting from the effort, his rage at least partially dissipated. A fragment of blood and hair hangs off his nose, his face speckled with particles of the elf's head. The elf lies on the ground, his brains mulched through his shattered skull. His left leg twitches slightly in a slowly spreading pool of blood. The door at the far end creaks open again, and Santa Claus peeks in.
Santa :
Johnny? I heard you were having problems down here.He opens the door fully and walks in, surveying the scene before him.
Johnny (still panting) :
Yeah, the kids have decided to strike. Won't do any work unless we start treating them better. No killing any of them, feeding them properly, stupid shit like that.Santa :
I see.. What have you done about it so far?Johnny :
Well, of course I've had them beaten, and tortured a couple to death as examples. But they seem to know we can't kill them all. So I threatened to cut all their tongues out, but they still won't budge.Santa :
And this fellow here?He points to the dead elf.
Johnny :
Oh, he was pissing me off. Taking sides with them. Bloody useless.
Santa :
Yes, some of the staff have been a bit problematic lately. Seems we have discipline problems all the way through the place at the moment. A few beatings will be in order I think. But for now lets go see if we can't sort these worthless slaves out then. They all still in the dungeons I take it?Johnny :
Yeah. I put a few in the torture rooms but most are refusing to leave their quarters. If we drag them out they just go limp and refuse to move so I've left them locked up.Santa and Johnny leave the factory, and go through to the adjoining dungeons, where the children are kept. There are two dungeons, each consisting of a series of large bare concrete cells in a large, long, two story corridor, each cell housing roughly 50 children. There are approximately 15 such cells in each row, so that there are around three thousand children held within each dungeon. Each room has a water trough at one end, and a pit for a toilet at the other. Steel bars prevent escape, and elves armed with machine guns and studded batons stand by the cell doors. The evil pair walk to the middle of the first expanse of cells, Johnny struggling to keep up with Santa, his short little legs tottering along at full pace. The children watch at a safe distance from within their cells, whispering amongst each other. Santa stops and addresses the children, his voice bellowing out and reverberating around the concrete walls.
Santa (in his loudest, most commanding voice) :
Alright everyone, listen up!Total silence.
Santa : I hear you little turds have decided you deserve special treatment if you are going to work for me. I do not particularly wish to give you any, but since I don't seem to have much choice I am prepared to negotiate. Do you have a spokesslave?
A small commotion near the middle of one of the lower levels as a boy slightly older than most of the rest comes forward to the bars.
Child :
Yes. Here I am.Santa (to an elf guard) :
Let him out.The boy steps out cautiously and approaches Santa, but keeps some distance from him. Santa beckons him closer, and closer, until he is standing within a metre of the jolly psychopath.
Santa :
So, tell me, what do you and all your filthy friends want then?Child :
We would like better food and water, some clean clothes and most importantly, to not be beaten or killed at any time. Otherwise we won't work.Santa :
Well, I am not giving you all of that. I will offer you improved meals and clothing, but that is all.Child :
That is not good enough, we need protection against these elves. They are far too savage to us, and often kill a small number each week.Johnny (screaming) :
You want savage you little shit! I'll give you savage!!Johnny starts to rush at the boy but Santa restrains him easily.
Santa :
Calm down Johnny, it's ok.To the boy again
Santa :
I fail to see the problem. They never kill more than we can replace easily, and it keeps you all on your toes. Makes you work harder.Child :
But what about our rights??Santa :
Hmmmm…. Ok, well I'll tell you what. You want better food, you shall have it. More water, clothing, no problem. We will reduce the brutality as much as we can without sacrificing productivity but only under agreement with yourself and a union. On condition.Child (cautiously) :
What condition?Santa :
I want you to pick out a small group to form your union, but only if you are willing to be separated from the general population. I don't want any further uprisings inspired by your interfering with the masses, I would rather you and your union made their decisions independently and with minimal contact with everyone else.Child :
Very well. I will get some of my associates and we will begin drafting up an acceptable arrangement for the treatment of us children immediately. We will all resume work upon receipt of a decent meal as a sign of cooperation.Santa :
Excellent.To elf guard
Santa :
Let him pick his union then escort them up to my office.
Santa and Johnny turn and leave, Johnny is obviously very worked up. They start walking back up to Santa's office.
Johnny :
How could you do that? You gave in to everything!Santa :
Calm down for a minute Johnny! Now listen carefully. Once their ringleader and his chosen cronies are out of sight and earshot of the others, I want them sent straight to the kitchen, where they are to be skinned alive, marinated in vinegar and roasted while still kicking. Carve them up and feed them to the other children with the usual crap. They will get their food.Johnny suddenly registers what is going on and breaks into an inane grin. Santa has not gone soft.
Santa :
Once you have them working again, I want a small work party to get working on shovelling snow from outside, into the torture areas. Tell them we're filling them up so we don't have to use them.Johnny :
I don't understand.Santa :
Well, the torture rooms are just next to the dungeons so your men will be able to take loads of snow to the kids with relative ease. They get their water, and probably hypothermia too. But I doubt they will complain, they can drink the stuff as it melts. Get a few of your men to work on turning the skins of the dead into clothing as well. Make it my size as usual, but throw some of the less recognisable stuff in to keep their hopes up, telling them more is on its way, waiting on the delivery or something. And finally, and regretfully, I want you and your men to try not to beat maim or kill any of them.Johnny :
Excuse me Santa, but I don't get it. What are we going to do when the meat from the dead runs out if we can't kill any more? What happens when their extra clothing doesn't come? Are't they just going to get upset again. And we do enjoy beating the shits.Santa :
Oh don't worry, because we are changing over the production line today. Once they start working, they will not be making weapons, but rather machinery. I have been planning this update for some time now. I'll get you the design specs and all that in a second. We'll get them all happy for just long enough to provide the labour to make our factories automated, then we'll kill the whole damn lot of them, and mulch them into the fuel cell of this super duper bio generator my engineers have been working on to power it all. So I guess they will keep working for a while yet!Fade out on Santa and Little Johnny in the corridor cackling away with laughter……..