in school I had a few girl friends..but I still liked to dress up..when I could.. This confussed me even more.. I figured when I started dating the feelings would go away.. but really they didn't.. When I turned 17, I joined the " NATIONAL GUARD " - be the MAN kinda thing!! I thought this would change me, be the MAN that I was geneticly born as. For a Year or so it keep me from dressing up.. but, I was moody, hard to get along with, agressive, etc. One day I dressed again. it seemed to help some, however the guilty feelings were still thier. One date I met a girl we started dating., about there months later we got MARRIED.. if you call it that.
I thought I could put the CD in the past, in the closiet.. WRONG!! ( I was only 18 at the time) .. the first few weeks we had fun together.., we were together for 6 months.. married for three months!! I thought about telling her that I liked dressing up in womans clothing, but then I thought better NOT!! she was a rattle snake ready to bite you if you even moved wrong!! Long story short . We ended up DIVORCED!! I got into a DEPRESSED MOOD.. she thought it would be more fun to run around on me and get rid of me than to stay with me ( if you know what I mean) .. I had a great job, paid great.. I worked for the town, was in the services, home every weekend.. I started getting SICK. ended up into the hospital ICU to be exact. while I was in the hospital she moved in with a guy that worked with me on my crew.!! that I seen EVERY DAY.. later the doctors said they thought I had been poisoned !!!!! HER FIRST HUSBAND DIED MYSTERis TOO!!!!!!! she had a very shady past that I didn't know about! She had her kids taken away from her !!
anyway.. live and learn the HARD WAY!! for awhile I dated around dressing up occassionly, then I had another may - july relationship, met and married my second wife threw friends.. about a year into our marriage I had this STRONG earge to dress up.. so one evening when the kids weren't home and the wife was, I thought I would try and talk to her about my cross dressing.. I suggested US dressing up.. nothing real fancy..just bra, panties and a dress..I did and I was a nervious wreck...This was the FIRST time of dressing and someone that I thought loved me .. for who I was...was going to see me. So I dressed and came out and let her see me !! MISTAKE!!!!!!!!!!! She looked at me and said, " how interesting",I still remember the words and the after thought after math.. to this day.. SHE started laughing at me.....in a cold calies laugh.!! I sat down and tried to talk to her about it, but she wouldn't listen.. told me I better go change before someone seen me !! So, I did .. CRUSHED!! again I was rejected for what I was !! or who I was on the inside!!!I swore not to dress up again.. Promised myself not to ever do that again!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I crawled into a shell not wanting to come out!! With all of the boiling up feelings I had in me, I soon went into a depression.. started drinking real heavy, became a tipical MAN!! working a lot of hours, staying away.. doing everything to keep me from dressing up again.. believe me this just makes it alot worse!1 what I should've done was got out of the marriage! BUT, I decided to stay in the marriage and not dress again for about ten more years..in those times the desires, wants, needs.. many times I would lay out clothes to dress up when i was by myself...but didn't.. or I would have my clothes off getting ready to dress.. the guilty feelings.. the thought of her laughing at me just mad me sick.. so.. I had promised myself I WASN'T going to !!!!!! The depression and the drinking finally got the better of me or the worse... MY second wife and I seperatied, divorced.. this led me to being in and out of JAil for about FIVE years.. do to DWIs and other things! Illegal, immoral.. I thought about suicide a few times came as close to having the gun to my mouth., my finger on the trigger, out on a loney spot out in know where!! I tasted the oil on the gun.. I thought of my mother and family and STOPPED..!! No I didn't chicken out!! I STOPPED.. there is a difference.. I went to counselling, for my problems on and off for four years.. talked to my counselors about my cd..* sounds like a disease!! Doesn't it!!! Well .....they did say I needed Phyiciatric help!!! So went on ZOLOFT!! BAD BAD MOVE!!!! One day setting at a bar.. ( GO FIGURE ) I came to the conclussion that my life did mean something if only to me. Started facing my past, my problems.. instaed of running as far away as I thought I could go.., Started slowing down SOME on my Drinking.. Stopped seeing my second WIFE.. in hopes of getting back together!!!! ( NO NO NOWAY in this side or another side of haties...) Reading the bible.. the cd side was still there!! I met my now loving, devoted caring, honest, beautiful Third wife....( Think I'm laying it on thick.. hey she's standing over my shoulder READING ) Man she would smack me .... OOOUUCCHHH... Honestly it was a rocky start in the beginning!! very !!! Things I should've told her in the beginning I told her only half truths about!! I didn't tell her about the cross dressing at ALL!!! until much later...coming up..for fear of having another one reject me!! After we had been married for awhile she thought It would be nice.. to see me dressed up as a woman..THE FACT * my hidden female looks....but maybe partly do to the fact my wife is and was a bi sexual!!!!!! ( which she did tell me about before we were married.. while dating!!) I thought maybe this was the one that could help me with my CD Problem...One weekend we went out on a trip..we got a motel room.. went out and bought me some WOMANS and mans clothing..SHE DID!!! MY WIFE...I dressed again .. for the first time in years!! it felt great.. TOO GREAT!!! I went too quick.. so a wonderful night of my shaving may legs, putting on makeup.. putting on a matching bra and panties.. felt great.. my wife helped so .. then FLOP!!!!! Man what a waist of time !!! no punt intended...anyway.. it was over.. the weekend !! my wife descided I needed a wig!! She said I looked like my mother too much! I needed a WIG. I dressed up again.. told my wife about my cross dressing.. she took it pretty well at first..took pictures of me.. I didn't think it would bother her as much as it DID!!
