So its 4:30 Saturday morning and I’m lying in bed sleeping, seeing as how it’s 4:30 in the morning, and I wake up suddenly to a blinding flash of light. I roll over and see that our door is open...odd since Stef was still in bed and I sure as hell didn’t get up and open it. So right after I notice the door is open I see why the door is open...there’s a guy walking into our room, and he says hi to me. Actually our interchange went along the lines of this:

Weird guy in our room at 4:30 in the morning: "Hi"

Me: "Who the HELL are you and what the FUCK are you doing here?"

So he sits down in my cute little rolling desk chair my parents bought me for my desk that’s built into the wall, and that’s when I notice his lack of clothes. No, wait, take that back, because he did have boxers...on the floor around his ankles. He started fumbling around on my desktop; I assume looking for a container of some kind, which he found in the form of a water bottle. I heard a sound that one should only hear in the bathroom...take a wild guess as to what he was doing in my water bottle..I’ll give you a hint...it helps that he had no pants on. So at this point I decide to wake up Stef, who, by the way, has been sleeping through this whole thing. I start whispering "Stef, Stef", and she doesn’t hear me, so I have to poke her, and she wakes up and I point to the guy, and we both agree that we don’t know him, and that it’s pretty creepy that he’s broken into our room. So then I take it upon myself to leap out of bed, and run my ass down the hall to Christine’s room, and thank god she was there and that she was the RA on duty that night. So I knock on the door and proceed to tell her that there is a strange naked guy peeing in my room. So after she stands there and just looks at me like I’m crazy for a minute or two, she escorts me back down the hall where I stand outside the door while she tries reasoning with the pissing stranger.

So Chris walks in our room and starts talking to the guy...

Chris: "Hey, why don’t you come along with me, and leave these girls alone?"

Weird guy in our room at 4:30 in the morning who is now pissing in a water bottle: "Hold on" Um, hold on for what? You really don’t want to know. So then Chris decided that it was probably about time for Stef to leave the room, so she leaped down and ran the hell out of the room. So then Chris makes us go back to her room, where we find comfort in the form of Dave, who randomly happened to be in her room...wink wink. So Chris comes back to her room and calls her supervisor, and then the cops, who show up like three minutes after the call was placed...hurray for the Virginia Tech police not having faith in the student body after a football game, and therefore having more patrols wandering around campus.

So the police show up and again we have to stay in Chris’ room, I guess because we already saw him naked, and it was everybody else’s turn. So Chris talks to the cops, who journey down to our room to get the guy, but the guy wasn’t there...so we had to give a description, and they set off looking for him in all 12 floors of Slusher. While the search was on for the evil naked peeing guy, we remained sitting on her bed, talking to Dave, who agreed that our story is the story to beat...and he tried, with tales of pot growing roommates, and the like, but he was shot down. Dave: "Yeah so my roommate got busted by the cops for growing pot in our apartment" Hayley: "Dave, were they evil naked peeing pot plants? No? Then we win."

Then the police showed up at her door with solemn faces, and asked us if we could come identify the suspect. Stef got really scared and asked if he was still naked, which he sorta was, but it was ok because she sucked it up and we identified him. So the police carted him off and Chris came back and said she had bad news. I was thinking well it can’t get much worse than this, so hit me, but damn did it get worse.

Chris: "Well guys, not only did he pee in your room, but he defecated as well."

Hayley and Stef: "Um, what?"

Yes, he pooped. He pooped on our carpet, and in my rolling desk chair. He pooped in the hall outside our neighbor’s door, and in a box. He pooped everywhere. And then he stole my chair, which, remember, he pooped on.

So the story goes that he was drunk and woke up from a peaceful passing out and was in desperate need of a bathroom. He found our room, which was locked, but of course our lock didn’t lock, so he got in and peed and shitted on our carpet. The best part of the story, however, is how the guy was even in Slusher to begin with. Turns out the girl across the hall was out Saturday night and she ran into him on the street, and since he was a stranger, and drunk, and he didn’t have a place to stay, she decided that he should come stay in her room, which happens to be right across the hall from us. It was after midnight, which is when check-in begins, but she "didn’t know" that she had to check him in, and snuck him in the side door. So then she and her roommate leave him and another drunk passed out girl in their room to go get food at 3:30 in the morning, and during their little dinner date, they guy broke loose and shitted up a storm.

The girl was upset, naturally, and was looking for sympathy, of which we gave her none. She offered to help us clean our room, and then was miraculously nowhere to be seen when we were actually cleaning it. And speaking of cleaning it, we had to call Emergency Maintenance to come clean up our carpet and disinfect our room. She was disgusted to say the least. She asked if I wanted my Macados glass back...I don’t know what he did in my Macados glass, but I sure didn’t want it back. There was no way we were sleeping after that, so we washed our sheets and comforters, just in case, and decided that we needed to go to Wal-Mart. So we called Sean, woke him up, and made him drive us to Wal-Mart. We bought $30 worth of cleaning supplies and came back and scrubbed and disinfected and scrubbed some more.

We got a new carpet and it was gray instead of blue, so he robbed us of that, as well as of peace of mind and sleep. Later that night we had to talk to Officer Millirons and fill out witness statements and he told us we’d be subpoenaed and we were and we have to go to court November 28th to testify that yes, he did pee, among other things, on our carpet. And just this morning we met with a lawyer to see how to go about suing him for lots of money-punitive damages and all.

The chair was finally found in the 9th floor girl’s bathroom, with a pair of shitty boxers on it. And no, not cheap boxers, but actual shit covered underwear. Ew. So maintenance was once again called, and they came and removed the boxers, and left the chair. I sure didn’t want my chair back either. So now we’re very mad at him, and want him to pay us lots of money.

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