robyn...
This is my online journal.
Monday, January 20th, 2003. 12:09am.
Tone: dreamy
I didn't go to CTF. And all the better, I watched the Golden Globes. Lots of pretty people, some in funny clothes, winning lots of awards for doing what they love. I am dreaming of the day when I win my first Tony. The announcer will be someone absolutely amazing like Barry Woodruff or Nathan Lane, and that person will say "And the winner is: ROBYN WINSLOW! I knew you could do it kid." and I will stay in my seat clapping for someone else, then they�ll start yelling at me to go get it, and I stand up in total shock and run to the stairs and hug that announcer until neither of us could breathe, then I'd start crying, but being cool at the same time. I�d thank all the people who were part of the show, cast and crew. I�d thank all the people who got me started in theater- Nick Smith and Gary Vaspol (who would be in the audience), all my drama teachers and directors- Carol Turner, Barry Woodruff, Joe Barros, Jay Manley... umm (future directors and teachers names go here). And I�d thank my family and the theatergoers and then I�d say, "A dream come true. Thank you."
I have to write my personal essay for my college app. I�m applying to Big Theater College in NY (a.k.a. The American Musical and Dramatic Academy. AMDA). It�s actually ON Broadway. Wouldn�t that be cool, to be ON Broadway. I�m just a softie for anything theater related. I�d get there and use up ten rolls of film in one hour. You know I would too. And then as the year went on it would start to snow- that�s another 5 rolls of film right there.
"Les escaliers de la butte sont durs aux mis�reux
::sigh:: I love this song. It makes me want to put on a prom dress and start dancing in a huge castle dancing hall. Or go back to the �30s when they knew how to throw elegant parties. I�d be dancing beautifully with my fianc�. He�s taller than me, light hair, sweet accent from some European country and incredibly charming. Most importantly though, he loves me more than anything and is so in love with me that he wants to spend his life with me and make love all the time, eat breakfast in bed, take walks through the park, hold my hand, and whisper sweet nothings in my ear.
Dreams can be beautiful. Keep dreaming, never lose your imagination. Imagination is the key to beauty.
robyn
Sunday, January 19th, 2003. 7:32pm.
Tone: pensive
I don't know if I should go to CTF or not. I mean, I have zero fun last time. I was thinking of just going by to say hi, but I don't know if I even want to do that anymore. Who would I say hi to? Dan? Dan doesn't care if I go or not, he barely knows me. Will? Ha! That wouldn't be a good idea. I'd see him for half a second then he'd try to get me to give him a ride home- no good. I think I'm just going to stay home and do laundry and clean. I took all my clothes out of my room and put them in assorted piles in the hallway- my floor is almost clean. It turns out that the only mess in my room (other than clothes) was a few tags from new clothes, receipts from various places, and paper cuttings from different projects I've been playing with. So it proves once again, that laundry is a good idea. I knew it all along.
back to the wash board...
Sunday, January 19th, 2003. 3:03pm.
Tone: chipper
So I have this live journal now, gooseberry. It's pretty cool and a whole bunch easier than writing the entire HTML out for my homepage. But my homepage is still my pride and joy.
So I got an email from some woman named Stephanie form a publicists company. She was telling me how she was going to pitch a story about me to the Palo Alto weekly. That would be really cool. My interesting point was how I painted murals at Keys. I think I might be in the papers soon. : ) But who knows.
Capture the flag is tonight. I don�t� think I�m going to go. I might stop by and say hey, but I�m not going to play. I didn�t have any fun last time. That night pretty much sucked. But hey, I�m not doing anything today so I might just go get some pizza, say hi, and go my own way. If I stay it will only be another night of no fun for me. That does not sound good.
I wish I could call someone and say, "hey, let�s hang out." But Karen is the only one I could call and she�s out this weekend. I could call Sarah and Zak, but they are in their own little world now and are totally different then they used to be. I want to call Christian, but he has a girlfriend. I guess we could just do something as friends, but I�m pretty sure that not would be a grand idea from his outlook. But you never know. I might call him later. We had any interesting email rally recently. Anyway� I�d want to do something with Katie- my new friend from math- but we have yet to exchange info, so I have no idea how to contact her. I�d call one of the guys from the DCS (discovery channel store where I use to work) but I gave them my number and they never called, and I don�t� have numbers to call them � them being Ronnie and Brandon. But oh well. I guess I�ll find something, even if it involves manual (but necessary) labor like cleaning my room or doing laundry. I�m saving my math homework until Monday.
The show is going amazingly well. I�m having a lot of fun and the people are so great. I wasn�t having the peppiest day yesterday and I got to rehearsal being slightly quit and so on. By the end of rehearsal I was energized and smiling because those people are so great and supportive. I think Hank is one of my favorites. He plays the conductor. He�s like a really cool adopted uncle. : ) The music is crazy, but I�ve got it down pat now. I just have to remember to warm up before I get to rehearsal. I was late yesterday and missed the usually one minute warm up. I could feel the strain by the end of the day. But I�m okay, so there�re no worries.
�til we meet again�
Friday, January 17th, 2003. 10:11pm.
Tone: good
So things seem to be all right. I�m having a lot of fun in my ceramics class; I made a new friend in my math class; I�m bored in psychology, but it�s not big deal; I am having a blast in the show; I�m applying to school in NY; and everything is going really well.
Joe doesn�t believe a word is say. I wasn�t feeling good, kinda manic, and I wanted to talk to him and he asked "robyn... is this serious/ or are you being dramatic/ tell me the truth." I can�t talk to anyone anymore. I have no one left. All I have and talk about are problems and the people I know don�t want to deal with them.
That�s all I can think to do. I have friends, but I can�t dump on them, that�s not what they are for. But friends should not question, they aren�t for that either.
I have lied to my friends. I have exaggerated. I have been a downer. I have also been used, ignored, and pretended to be fine. I am not a healthy person. Hell, the people in the show I�m in right now, they haven�t seen me any other way than hyper. I hope they don�t see me any other way because they would freak out. They wouldn�t know what to do with the quiet girl not smiling. They�ve never seen me like that.
I�m under control.
Tuesday, January 14th, 2003. 12:13am.
Tone: happy.
It�s been kinda strange for me, but also very routine to be in school. I�ve been doing all my math work, but I�m way behind in my psych reading. I need to catch up with that. But all is well.
I dyed my hair. It�s a lot darker than I wanted, but after dying it two more times it still isn�t the right color, so I�m going to quit while I�m not too far behind. I don�t want my hair to start falling out or breaking into little pieces. That would suck. But I�m almost happy with the color it is now. : )
Michael Thompson has disappeared off the face of the planet. I have not heard from him in such a long time, I�m going to go by keys one of these days and yell at him for not talking to me in so long, then I�m going to give him a big hug and say hi. : )
But yeah� I�ve been chillin�, rehearsin�, goin� (to class), and stuff. So I�m in pretty good shape, event wise. No big dramas lately, nothing to get upset over really (well not since Merlin died) and blah blah.
I was supposed to see Joe before he left for school again, but the only time I could see him was at a show a friend of his was in, and I didn�t want to drive all the way to complicated SF just to see Joe for two seconds. I know I would have seen him longer, and if I had tried harder I could have seen him more, but it wasn�t working out at all. The one day I get to see him was also a really long day and I didn�t feel safe driving that later at night when I was that tired� excuses excuses� I just miss him and don�t get to see him nearly enough.
And before you know it, the entry is over.
Saturday, January 11th, 2003. 1:45am.
Tone: angry and confused.
so I got an email from Tyler Olsen, a very cool guy from Woodside High. It was a protest of www.bonsaikitten.com. I am sickened, angered, and oh man� That better be the worst joke in the world and not true.
On a lighter note, I was with Karen today. It was lots of fun. A movie, ice cream, fun stuff. But then, on the way back to my house, she wanted to see Will. So by means of Sarah Small (last name pronounced "Li-ttle") Karen got his new cell phone number. � I did not even know he had a new cell phone. � So we called him around midnight. He did not know us. Albeit, we did not say our names, but we have very distinctive voices and he did not know us even after some conversation. I hate Will Brill. I really do. His bad qualities far outweigh his good ones, and the bad stuff is just too much.
But the movie with Karen was fun. We both want Hugh Grant. Mmmm�
I hope I can sleep now. I�ve established that all the links and email addresses on the bonsai kitten site aren�t real. I wrote an angry email to the webmaster. I hope I get a reply saying it�s all not true.
Ok. Goodnight.
Wednesday, January 8th, 2003. 11:46pm.
Tone: as well as to be expected, I guess. Not too bad.
We put Merlin to sleep today. My mom works with a company that she has access to all the stuff needed, and she was a vet assistant in college so she knew how to do it and all. She did it while I was at rehearsal for my show. Merlin fell asleep on my dad�s lap, being petted.
I miss Merlin.
Tuesday, January 7th, 2003. 12:14am.
Tone: I feel like a heel.
ok, so Will Brill�
Current mood: happy
and here's to you mrs. robinson!
Will
So I commented on his entry�
the sun is on my neck, the wind is in my face
and i'd rather be sailing
then... i'd want to see you, will.
robyn
That part in his, the "I�d rather be sailing part", that was a song I sang in stairwell. I really hate him sometimes, but right now I can�t help but love him. That�s the sneakiest way he�s ever gotten out of something, but I like it.
I want to see his new haircut. He looks hot with his hair short. Well, I guess it depends on the cut, but I�m sure it looks good.
right when I think I�ve gotten him out of my system he does something like this� ugh. : )
Monday, January 6th, 2003. 11:43pm.
Tone: good, but tired.
Last Friday I went stairwell singing. It was a really good� sing. We each sang a LOT of songs, oh man. I had a huge list of songs and sang almost all of them. We all sounded really good. It was a really needed session. Oh man, I can�t even describe how cool it was. But I�m not digging Will Brill. We sang some songs with each other, which was really fun, really fun, but outside of the stairwell � he�s just an ass to me. I don�t really care because inside the stairwell everything was great. Everything was really great, and all the songs were amazing (even if they weren�t perfect) and I just� I wish things could be that nice all the time. Like when I was singing "I�ve got you under my skin" with Will. Why can�t we be like that all the time. Kyle and I can sing anything. I�m sure of it.
Monday, January 6th, 2003. 2:40am.
Tone: disgruntled.
The events and realizations of the day:
Will Brill is an ass, and I don�t want to deal with him anymore. He�s no fun.
night night.
Tuesday, December 31st, 2002. 10:30pm.
Tone: not good.
Merlin is my kitty. He�s one of the four kitties we have. Merlin has cancer. Today has sucked like the suckiest day that ever happened.
My brother banged on my door as hard as he could and scared the crap out of me to wake up, just to tell me that my car had been broken into. The entire front driver�s side window: smashed to pieces. I had to clean it up. Then I went to work to find out I was not being kept on after the holidays. I knew that a couple days ago, but it was final today. Then I come home to find out that Merlin has cancer and probably won�t live the week unless he starts eating again. I just� I just don�t know what�s been happening.
In an hour or so it�s going to be a new year, and it better be a whole lot better than this one. I had a crap birthday this year, had a really bad start in college, my grandparents aren�t going to be around much longer, we might be going to war, my cat is dying, and I still haven�t been kissed� I want to go to sleep. That�s how I want to start the new year. I want to be asleep. Maybe then I can dream that everything is great and nothing is wrong.
I can only have peace in my dreams�
Tuesday, December 31st, 2002. 12:19am.
Tone: car trip weary, but happy none the less
Back from Oregon. Oh man, that�s quite the drive. It was a really nice trip though. I saw my grandparents, hung out a lot, listened to a lot of music, and spent quality time with the elders of my fam. I got to talk to my grandparents a lot. They can�t hear me very well, but I�m sure that if they didn�t hear me they just smiled and nodded because I was talking to them. They don�t see us much, and who knows how much more I�ll get to see them. My grandma is going to be 86 I think in April . That�s pretty old, but she wears it well. She�s so thin though, and she�s having heart problems� but that�s not the point. She�s still my grandma, and she�s doing better than grandpa, and they are both going to live forever and ever, just like my 12 and 1/2 year old puppy, Smokey. I don�t know what I�m going to do when those days come.
But anyway, I�m back now. My mom stayed to help them move into a different building so she�ll be home in a few days. I get to go stairwell singing on Friday!!! I�m so glad. Kyle and I have been planning it for a couple weeks now. All three of us (me, will, kyle) are making lists and rehearsing so it can be a great session. The building might not be open, but we�re like postal workers� neither rain nor snow, nor dark of night or locked doors; can keep us from singing. I� have a huge list. I�m not going to be able to sing all of them, but I want choices when I�m in there. I�ve been writing out lyrics I don�t know too. Better safe than sorry. : )
My last day of work starts at 1pm. I liked working there. I�m going to have to save as much of the last paycheck as I can. I know I�d spend it really quickly if I had a choice. I�m going to put most of it in my savings account, then not mess with my savings after that. No more dipping into the savings for quick cash. That bank is closed. I�m learning�
Well, I better go to bed now. Oooh, sleeping in my own bed. Good.
night night.
Wednesday, December 25th, 2002. 11:51pm.
Tone: Jolly
Merry Christmas!
Well Today was a good day for me. I saw "Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers" Oh Man. Amazing. I�m in love with Orlando Bloom. Anyway�
Happy Holidays!
Tuesday, December 24th, 2002. 2:16am
Tone: fine, but anxious.
So I got a little fed up with Will last night. We played Capture the Flag (CTF) and it wasn�t going so well. I was flag guard and ended up standing in the dark, in the cold, all by myself, for about 45 minutes. Then, next game, I was eating pizza at Pizza My Heart when I spotted Dan and Will, who were on the other team (the only people I knew were on the other team), and I ran out to tag them and they said the game was over. Then I went back in and Zak (Zak, Karen, Sarah, and Trevor came later) tells me he saw them running for the flag. It turned out it wasn�t over. They thought it was, but it wasn�t. Whatever, I don�t really care about that anymore.
Then Lindsay showed up, which was really random, but funny. Anyway, so then we decide to go to Denny�s. I wanted to go to Denny�s. And so we all get into cars. Karen goes with Trevor in his car, and Zak, Sarah, Dan and Will get into mine. As we are getting into the car will tells me we can only stay for 15 minutes because he has to get home before then. I was so mad, but I just sighed an upset sigh and got in the car. I called Karen and told her to stop and take Sarah and Zak home, and that I was going to take Dan and Will home because he had to go home. I had told Karen earlier that night that I was not going to take Will home. And I ended up doing it. He tricked me into it and it upset me.
From: robyn winslow [email protected]
Will,
I expect three things from you. If I don't get these things I don't know what the consequence will be for either of us, but it won't be good.
- if you want a ride home from me, you better damn well ask me nicely.
- if you CAN'T go to something then TELL ME BEFORE we are on our way to it.
- if you don't WANT to go to something, TELL ME WAY BEFORE we even move in any general direction.
I gave you a ride home. I was being nice. I do that. I'm a nice person. But I don't want to be the one you say is giving you a ride when you haven't even asked.
Don't ever think you can take me for granted anymore.
This has been building in me for months now so I just let it out.
robyn
So that�s what I sent. Then today, on my way to get food before Ruthie�s Christmas singing party, I got a call from him asking me for a ride. I had already passed his house big time. I asked him if he had checked his email and he said no, so I told him to check his email. Then without checking his email, he asked again, for a ride. I said if he could meet me where I was, at Mr. Chow�s in Menlo Park, I could take him. Then he had to hang up to find out. I sat there for a while and then got fed up and called to see if he was coming or not. His dad was going to take him to Mr. Chow�s. Fine. Then he calls me back a minute later and says his dad was going to take him to Ruthie�s. So I leave and go to Ruthie�s. I got there on time at 7:30pm. Kyle came next at 7:40pm then Will at 7: 45pm. Karen and Becky came around 7:55pm and Zak and Sarah came a while after that. Lindsay stopped by for about a half hour and we opened present while she was there and had pie. It was good pie. Then she left and we continued with the singing and festivities.
g�night.
3:08am.
Monday, December 23rd, 2002. 12:22am.
Entries 2002/11/25- 11/29 |
2002/11/30 - 12/10 |
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That would be cool. (All my fellow theater friends nod in concurrence.)
Les ailes du moulin prot�gent les amoureux..."
Martin Luther King Jr. was well deserving to have a holiday made in his honor.
robyn
That�s why I don�t understand why I want things to fall apart. I�ve been watching too many movies I guess. I�m watching "When a man Loves a Woman" right now and all I can think about is wanting to become an alcoholic. I know it would be a stupid thing to do. It would be a very stupid thing to do.
No one even reads this anymore. All I do is say what�s wrong.
robydub22 (11:07 PM): I�m sorry for snapping at you.
robydub22 (11:07 PM): I shouldn't yell at my friends.
robydub22 (11:07 PM): I�m sorry.
robydub22 (11:21 PM): Joe, I have never lied to you. and I will not lie to you. I have issues that you don't even know about. you shouldn't have to deal with my issues and I will never ask you to. I would just ask that you not relate everything I do now to things I did in the past. I�ve made mistakes and learned from them. I hope to talk to you later. I promise not to unload on you. and I keep my promises.
robydub22 (11:30 PM): I love you joe. goodnight.
I just have to snap out of it. I�ll be fine in a few hours� that�s a line from a song. Have you ever noticed that everything is a song. I could write a book just using song lyrics and it would say everything perfectly.
And I�m fine. It all blows over, I just have to talk it out. I guess I just have to talk myself out of everything now.
ugh, here�s the deal: I got in a little tiff with him over him not writing about the stairwell in his live journal. Then he threatened to make the entry private so I couldn�t see it even after he had written it. Then I realized that I hadn�t written anything about it, so I did a few minutes ago. After I wrote that I went to Will�s journal to see if he�d written anything� oh man�
willBrill (lostromantics) wrote,
@ 2003-01-06 20:06:00
Current music: randy newman - i'm just a bill
WELL. first day back to school in quite some time. I can't say I'm thrilled to be there. Because if I did, I'd be lying and that's a terrible thing. I'm not so sure break was quite as good as I expected it to be. I think I wasted some of my time doing what other people wanted to do, instead of having my own fun. But you know what, that's all right. I saw a lot of great people who I don't hang out with as much as I should. I guess it's all right to be back in school with all these kooky hooligans, and Anthony offered to make a movie for La Mancha, which is cool, but I'd rather be sailing. ;). My hair is SO short, I can't wait for it to grow out. And you know what! On Wednesday, the day after tomorrow, I'm auditioning for Smokey Joe's Cafe!! Thousands of old pals are going to be in it. Audition song: Free Bird, but not the regular Lynyrd Skynyrd version, it's the crazy one from Duets. Kickass.
muah!
(Anonymous)
2003-01-07 00:05
the water's incredibly blue
yes i'd want to go sailing
love always,
I spent 12 hours with Karen and it was a whole bunch of fun.
I could work at Hillsdale if I really wanted to. Jose said he might be able to get me a job at that DCS.
I start school again in about 9 hours. I�m not sure if I�m ready for it, but I guess we�ll have to wait and see. I�ll find out soon enough. Psychology at 12 and math at 1:30. ::sigh::
Merlin seems fine, but I know he�s not.
Gary Vaspol has a web-site, which you will note has taken the place of Will�s Live Journal on my links list.
And
I bought a new sweatshirt from Old Navy today, and it�s cute. I�m going to wear it to school in the morning.
I�m leaving for Oregon tomorrow. It will be a nice visit. I should go to sleep now.
So when I got home I emailed him:
Date: Mon, 23 Dec 2002 02:13:06 -0800
To: Will Brill [email protected]
Subject: the way things are...
Next time we are going to go somewhere and you know you have to be home at a certain time, I want you to tell me before I decide to take you with me. I don't appreciate the way you handled that tonight. I wanted to go to Denny's. I really did. I wanted to eat chicken strips and have a some fun. Telling me we can only be there for fifteen minutes because you have to be home at a certain time while we are getting into the car to go there - not good enough. I am not your chauffeur. If you wanted me to just take you home you should have just asked me. I would have said no. I wanted to go out, but I didn't want to have to drive a bunch of people around before I did that. I would not have minded dropping Dan on the way TO Denny's, but I did mind not getting to go at all because I didn't want to drive all the way back to it from your house.
I thought our little chat in my car was good by the end. The reason it started out slow was me just not wanting to talk, my fault. But the more I think about tonight the more I get upset about it.
You don't hate me? Great! We're friends? Even better! But don't think you can walk all over me.
I still like you Will. I always will. I think of you as a friend. But I'm not going to deal with you anymore if you aren't going to compromise somewhere.
Somewhere in the middle Will asked for a ride home and I never really answered. He assumed yes, I just didn�t want to say yes or no. When the evening ended I gave Zak a ride home and then I gave Will a ride home. We didn�t talk about anything really in the car. We listened to some music. But it was nice. I was really having a good night. When I was hugging him outside his house I told him to check his email. I wanted to tell him it was really important to me, but I couldn�t find the courage to get into it. I wanted to talk to him about it in the car, but I didn�t want to ruin the "niceness" of how it was. And now I�m afraid that he has read it and isn�t going to talk to me for a week. Ugh. I like him, I really do, but I don�t know if I can handle him.
I guess I�ll just have to wait and see.