Friday, November 29th, 2002. 10:26am.

Tone: Simply happy. : )

So Thanksgiving was very nice. My grandparents (dad’s side) came, my uncle, aunt of my cousin Jamie came (dad’s side), a friend of the family- Mike- came, and some friends of my brother’s came too. It was an over all very enjoyable holiday.

My Grandparents stayed over Wednesday night and last night and they just left a few minutes ago. They are so great. They support whatever I do and always bring hope into a situation. That’s what they are supposed t do isn’t it? Well, these grandparents do. : )

I’m dreading going to work today, but I know it will be fine. It will be BUSY as all hell, but fine. Day after Thanksgiving shopping… At least I didn’t have to get there at 5am like I know some people did. That would have sucked. I don’t have to be there until 3pm. I stay until 8pm, but that’s just a normal five hour shift. It will be fine.

I’m going to go back to sleep for a while. It sounds like a plan…

g’day…

royben

10:36am.

Wednesday, November 27th, 2002. 10:02pm

Tone: holiday cheer with a little numbness...

So I finally have a cute picture with Will. It’s taken me a year to get it, but Yay. I emailed it to him then called him to tell him, and he said he’d already seen it. Karen was talking to him on AIM and gave him the link. That’s when I realized he really had blocked me again. He said that she gave him the link at three o’clock in the morning last night so I must not have been on at the same time. I just kind of said "oh, ok" and left it at that while we were on the phone. Then I emailed him a few minutes later saying "nice try, but I didn’t even tell Karen the link for the pictures until 4pm today, so there’s no way she could have given it to you before. I didn’t even have the pictures open to the public until noon. So if she had given him the link it would have had to have been when I was online.

I know I’ve said this before (it gets a little more possible every time I interact with will), but I’m really just going to take him with a grain of salt, a spoonful of sugar, and a kick in the butt to tell me not to let him affect me like this. It’s making me numb. I just don’t want care anymore, but I know I will. I care, is that so wrong?

My cousin is in the hospital. She’s been on hundreds of different medications throughout her life for behavioral issues. Monday night she got in a fight with her parents because the counselor told them to be stricter with her. She took an entire bottle of one of her meds. She was taken to the hospital and her stomach was pumped. She’s being held in the psychiatric ward and they are holding her for another day. If you go to the hospital for stuff like that they hold you for 72 hours in the psych ward. It’s necessary. I’ve felt like my cousin sometimes. I never took a bottle of something or gotten out the razor, but I’ve been close. That was a long time ago. That all happened in seventh grade. But I’m ok now. Still a little bipolar, but not suicidal.

That’s a hard word to say. Suicide. Not because of pronunciation, it’s easy to speak the word, but to say it from emotional and personal standpoints; very difficult. I will always be reminded of seventh grade by "Jumper" from Third Eye Blind. Amazing song. I don’t think it had been written yet when I was 14, but it’s the song that I think of. I haven’t been affected yet really by my cousin. I’m in shock I guess. She’s one year younger than I am. A senior in high school. She has a sweet boyfriend, amazing artistic talent, and she tries so hard to be everything to everyone. I can’t put into words what I want to say … man. She could have died.

She could have died.

My grandparents are here. They are staying overnight and we are having Thanksgiving at my house. Katie (my cousin in the hospital) will not be able to come, but my aunt, uncle, and cousin Jamie are coming. We are having dinner extra early so they can go see her during visiting hours.

I’m going to go to bed now. It’s getting kinda late and I’ve had a long day, and tomorrow is going to be a long day too. I have to work on Friday so it’s going to be crazy at the store. Day after Thanksgiving shopping… crazy. So I’m going to go to bed now.

G’night.

robyn

10:32pm

Monday, November 25th, 2002. 5:36pm.

Tone: umm, slightly miffed.

I’ve been watching "Lord of the Rings" with my pal Grayson Brill. It’s been fun. But there’s this whole thing where Grayson shares a house with Will Brill. (them being brothers and all) And it’s kind of strange for me, because I like hanging out with Grayson, but I know that Will is there too. I want to hang out with Will but I know he doesn’t want to hang out with me. Mind you, it’s not because he doesn’t like me, or anything like that, it’s just we don’t hang out really. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not like I’d rather be hanging out with Will, but I would like to see him every so often for more than two seconds. I only see him when other people are around. I did do something over the summer with him, but that was a long time ago and things change. He’s called me twice in the past few months and both times it was only for a ride somewhere.

I’ve just gotten to the point where I try not to stress about him. I’m just going to have a good time with my other friends and if he’s there too, it’s all the better.

In other news, my boss at The Discovery Channel Store at Stanford is kind of creeping me out. He’s really nice and all, but all he talks about is how much money he has and what a genius he is and blah blah blah, brag brag brag. It’s getting really annoying. I don’t want to be rude to him, but I’m about ready to tell him to get over himself. He thinks he’s the greatest thing since sliced bread. But if I want to keep my job after the holidays and get two breaks a shift, I just have to smile and nod. I’ll manage.

Now that Woodside’s show is over I never see those people anymore. I was getting really close to Zak and sarah and now I never see them. It’s really sad. A lot happens with them now and I never hear about it. I used to get detailed updates right after the fact. Now I get the "well lots has happened, but it’s over now so don’t worry about it." I get more from Will’s livejournal than from the real people. But there’s not much I can do about it. Now that I don’t’ see them all the time we don’t’ have that much to talk about on the phone. If I call now, it’s just depressing at the lack of conversation. But I’m trying to keep the love alive. I’ll manage…

Things take a lot of time and effort to put together, and they can fall apart in a single day, less time than that even. It’s just sad. Not much I can do about I guess. I’ll manage…

6:10pm.

Monday, November 25th, 2002. 4:27am.

Tone: tired, but satisfied...

I have made this beautiful page just for me. I am very proud, but very tired.

goodnight.

Monday, November 25th, 2002. 1:36am.

Tone: informative with a touch of fatigue. But smiling.

I've been keeping a journal for most of my life. I have books and books of events and stories, and none of them have really been shared. I have done a lot of good and bad things in my life. I don't drink nor do drugs, I make a point of both of those. But one night not too long ago I did mix some gin with a lot of apple-cranberry juice. I don't know if it had any effect on me, having no prior reference, but it might have. I am 19 years old and have felt at times, like I have not lived a full life. But then I realize that I have plenty of life left in me. I did not always think that way. This seems quite depressing - I apologize - but I want to get this out of the way. I have a lot to look forward to in the next year or so. I've never been kissed and I hear-tell that it's a might bit enjoyable. I am going to be 20 years old in August, which means I won’t be a teenager anymore. Some people think that’s something to look forward to, I don’t. I love being a kid. I am a kid. As far as I can tell I always will be a kid at heart. Everyone has to get older, but the heart can stay young. I haven’t lived the TV teenager’s life. I didn’t go to the crazy drunken parties, or want to be Prom Queen. I’m just a theater kid who wants to play and be noticed.

Theater is not my occupation; it’s my life. I enjoy theater beyond the bounds of the universe. Singing and acting are my passions and I will do whatever it takes to do what I love. I immensely enjoy people who share my passion. Two in particular are Kyle Fackrell and Will Brill. Kyle is my theater soul mate and a cherished friend. ::nods to brother sky:: Will and I have our history and differences but love each other like family and can do anything on stage or in a stairwell. ::praise to the stairwell::

My other family away from family includes my best friend Karen Gardner. She is like a sister to me and I can talk to her about anything and she knows she can tell me anything. When we are together it is always fun. We are paired for the specific purpose of making things better in life. We laugh, play, play more, eat fried rice and use to eat pie. Word up to Karen. My friend Joe Barros is away at school, and when I say away I mean way way way away. He’s on the other side of the country and I miss him very much, but he’s coming home for x-mas, so I will see him then. We are very "in person" people. There’s only so much that can be said or done online. Kyle is coming home for the holidays as well. And so is Lindsay Martens. Lindsay is my older double We are very similar in many ways. Too many ways to go into. Mormons, younger guys, 54321 … anyway. I will be glad when I can hang out with Lindsay. She goes to the prestigess UCLA. (spelling on "prestigess") Very proud.

It is getting late. "we must be off"

2:03am.