Tuesday, December 10th, 2002. 9:38pm.

Tone: : )

Not much to say really. The guy from the party never called, I don�t even know if he got my number. I�ve been working on my scene for drama class with a guy named Christian. He�s not in the class, he�s in the directing class and is getting some extra credit by helping us. I thought he was cute and all, and really nice, but I think he�s gay. It was just a feeling I got from him. Oh well. I can still hang out with him, just can�t date him is all. He had date potential. But anyway� Well, he might not be gay. I�m not sure. I�ll figure it out somehow. I�m going to work with him again on Thursday. I�ll try and find out then. I�ll try and be coy about it though. No bold questions when the person is potentially datable. I only do that with other people�s potential dates. ; ) You know�

I dunno, there seem to be a few more options now-a-days, but I�m not really sure how to go about it, or which option to go for. I guess I can figure it out. But I�m not in too much of a rush.

Work is ok. I�m making money. I spent over $200 on Christmas presents, and I don�t even celebrate the frickin� holiday! But oh well. Happy Winter to all! I hope people like their presents. I tried to get all the people stuff they�d actually like. Some of the presents are cute and sweet; some are thoughtful and nice; some are playful, fun and childish, but great. : ) I hope I get some fun presents � maybe something shiny or sparkly. I like things that are shiny and/or sparkly. But I think all my friends know that. Hehe. I�ve told them all that enough times. When we go through malls I always get distracted by and drawn towards jewelry stores� They have all those pretty rings and necklaces in the windows� They are smart. I know if I had enough money, I would be buying stuff there all the time. I�d buy it just to look at it under a bright light. You totally know I would too. But anyway�

I don�t think he�ll ever see this so I�m going to say I�m super curious what Michael Thompson (former love interest, now good friend) is going to get me for Christmas. I was about to say what I got him, but just in case he does see this, I don�t want to give it away. I�m not going to talk about any specific presents until after the people have received them. I don�t want to risk ruining the surprise. So yeah.

It�s amazing how much I can write and not really say much. I�m going to take that as a hint to stop.

I can�t wait until Kyle, Joe, and Lindsay come home.
I can�t wait until the Christmas party.
I can�t wait until I open presents.
I can�t wait until other people open the presents I give them.
And I really want to know who the person who has book-marked my web-page is. : )

G�night

10:04pm

Sunday, December 8th, 2002 9:20pm

Tone: smiles and yawns.

Howdy, things are good. I�m having a good time with work, but it�s tiring.

I went to my cousin Jamie�s house in Santa Cruz for two days. It was way fun. I had a great time. Her housemates are super cool, and hot, and her friends are all really nice. I went to a party with her and a few of her friends and it was a cool party. I sat by the bonfire outside for a few hours while everyone else was inside drinking, I had two sips of beer, gross, and three of merlot, gross. But I sat by the fire and had a really nice talk with a guy named Sean. I wanted to go back to Jamie�s house after a while (around 2am) but she was too wasted, which was alright, but we had taken her car so I couldn�t drive it; her car being a stick shift, and me only knowing how to drive an automatic. So, no big deal, we stay over. That was a much better option than me driving stick or her driving drunk. I go to the couch o sleep and Sean comes in looking for a place to sleep or a blanket for the floor. I offer without being asked, the other half of the couch I was on. He is thankful and he�s on his end, feet in the middle, I�m on my end, feet in the middle, and we sleep. When I woke up around 9 I woke Jamie up and we looked for her keys. When we realized her friend had taken them home accidentally, the friend very kindly drove over to us to give them back. I said by to Sean and he gave me a hug. I was cool. I got in the car and kicked myself for not giving him my number, but oh well. Jamie said she�d give it to the guy whose house we were at, and he would give it to Sean. I�m not sure that will work, but good effort.
So that was the party. It was cool. I really wanted to go camping while I was by the fire. I miss camping. Camping is good.

Yesterday I drove by good ol� Pizza My Heart where Will Brill works, on my way to work. I was going to see if he had something for me for a present Karen and I are making for Kyle. He did not know I was coming so of course did not have it, but it was nice talkin� to him. It was a nice visit. Buddies.

I�m really tired, still recovering from the late nights at Jamie�s house. I went to work today and could not WAIT for it to be over� oh man.

I sent a letter to Gary Vaspol, expect one back in a week or two.
Have to go to bed now.

night night. : )

Monday, December 2nd, 2002. 10:43pm.

Tone: better than yesterday, but watching movies about schizophrenics, so absorbing every bit. I�m fine though, no worries.

I rented some movies yesterday to shake the boredom. That seemed to help. I went to work today. That was fine. I�m going to class tomorrow and am going to sing a song. The song has to relate to a story. I�ll make up the story later, but I�m going to sing "I�ve got you under my skin."

I miss Gary Vaspol. I didn�t really know how much �til just now, but I do. I�m going to write him a letter. Not an email, but a letter. We do that.

Not feeling too well, going to go to bed soon.

Goodnight.

Sunday, December 1st, 2002. 8:23pm.

Tone: bored and pining�

"Oh no, here comes that sun again
That means another day without you my friend
And it hurts me to look into the mirror at myself
And it hurts me even more to have to be with somebody else

And it�s so hard to do and so easy to say
But sometimes, sometimes you just have to walk away
Walk away

So many people to love in my life
Why do I worry about one
But you put the happy in my ness
You put the good times into my fun

And it�s so hard to do �n so easy to say
But sometimes, sometimes you just have to walk away
Walk away�

...They say if you love somebody
Then you have got to set them free
But I would rather be locked to you
Than live in this pain and misery�

�But it�s time that�s taken my tomorrows
And turned them into yesterdays�"

I think if I died right now my life would be the most meaningless pile of shit that ever existed in the history of the human race. I�m worthless.

Saturday, November 30th, 2002. 11:54pm

Tone: eh� not happy, not sad, not anything really, just: eh�

I went to Garrett�s house tonight. I went because Zak invited me (but it was cool with Garrett). Sarah and Zak are going out, like officially. I sorta saw it coming, but didn�t think it was really going to happen, but oh well. They seem to be happy together, and they are cute together, it�s just a little weird for me at first. I don�t know, it�s just that these two were always the playful flirts, the kind that don�t really do anything about it, but they are doing stuff about it now, and I�ve just never seen that kind of flirting move on to the next level. I guess it gives hope to that kind of flirting, but then it pulls the hope away again because I�ve done that too and gotten nothing every time. So what am I supposed to so? Sarah gets all these guys and dates and she�s younger than I am. She�s way ahead of me and I wish I could at least keep up starting now. In English, that means I would very much like to go on a real date. At least once, ya know? Ugh.

Karen went with me, and Will Brill was there. I had a lot of fun with Karen, as always, and I�ve super glad she came home this weekend. Will Brill wasn�t anything special this evening. I got two hugs, but he hugs anyone. A month ago he used to kiss my cheek, but that soon faded out when he started liking Erin. Oh well. I�m supposed to be phasing Will out of my life. I�m trying. It�s jus hard �cause I guess I still like him, but I guess I always will. I don�t know if he realizes that I would do ANYTHING for him, but it might be better that he doesn�t know that. I know, I know, this journal thing is public, but he won�t read it so whatever.

But I have to talk about Lindsay now� I haven�t talked to Lindsay in a while, and then Karen says she hasn�t talk to Lindsay in a while, so I start talking to Lindsay. I am actually talking to her right now. She likes all the wrong people, just like I do. We are funny like that. She�s having a friend of hers stay with her during break. I get to meet this "Chris." It should be fun. I have more to say (that Lindsay knows about) but for purposes of the young and innocent I shall leave them out. : )

now we are talking of my issues with Will Brill. Crap� he�s always on my mind. I�m sure that if he did read this he�d just not talk to me for a week. That seems to be his way with me. If something happens he just doesn�t talk to me. I�m not going to talk about him anymore tonight. I swear.

I saw Mat Dear for a few minutes today. Karen and I went to his house before we went to Garrett�s. It was nice seeing Mat. I never really see him anymore. It�s sad. Mat Dear, call me sometime, k? k.

The entry seemed to dwindle� But it�s because I�m having a very nice chat with Lindsay and am writing an email of my work schedule so I can be visited by the one whom shall not be mentioned anymore in this entry� ugh.

I think it�s time to go�

night night,

12:38am.

robyn