I really dislike making descisions, especially when there's a balance to both the good and the bad of it. I'm trying hard to pray. Lord Jesus, help me decide. Shall i stick to the plan of leaving if there isn't a new host family for me?What makes me think that having a new host family will make things better? Will it make my life here better? England was not at all what i expected it to be. Well, the only thing i expected was it was going to cost me a lot and it proved to be right.
I don't really know what's troubling me at all. It seems that this year i've been FLOCKED with millions of decisions to make. I sometimes wish that there was someone to decide everything for me. I know, God has a bigger plan for me, it's just that now, i can't seem to see it. To add to the problem, i'm having a spiritual block right now. Something very strong is hindering me from praying, what more to say hearing God's words? I know he says not to worry about anything, but how can i?
I have my reasons on why i want to change host families. I'm not too sure if it even counts as a reason or just me being sad, depressed and lonely again. All in all, i definately need help.
My reasons/excuses:
1. I feel that i'm always put on the spot when they fight, which is constantly! I can't stand them screaming their heads off at each other. They're always in a bad mood especially when they're tired.i mean, being tired doesn't give you an excuse to be super ratty to others.
2. I'm definately not always a team player. I'm very personal. I like my own privacy. It seems that when i'm with them, they're always invading my privacy. I just don't have the freedom to sit in peace and quiet alone for a few seconds. i don't really want to stay in my room all the time as i fear they'll say me unfriendly or something like that.
3. I feel somewhat like a babysitter sometimes. I mean, they are big and old enough to go places alone. However, i don't understand why my host mum make me go with them all the time. For goodness sake, i thik a 12 year old can go to the restroom alone?!
4. I feel like more of a burden to them than not. My host mum isn't working and is supporting the 4 of us without an income. That is hard, i always feel so guilty, especially after what she said to me while we were in Guildford. "You must pay for yourself cos i can't afford to pay for you". I mean that was less than 5 pounds and if she can't afford that, what more to say supporting me! Food alone costs more than that in a day.
5. I'm lonely and i haven't got much friends here. People here are quite unfriendly. They just stare? Why don't they speak to me? i smile at them, say hi, but they just stare and sometimes give weird and dirty looks. It's putting me off. The teens especially are very unfriendly. Things were looking up when i went to the Youth Meeting last Sunday. I probably can't go this week cos i've moved to St Ives and transport is quite a problem. Sigh.
6. I feel i'm such a burden to everyone. I feel so guilty, so sorry. I'm not sure how to make things better with her. My parents are worried about me, i don't want them to be at all. I feel like crying, but i can't. I've come to a dead end. Well, most of what's happening here i don't tell my parents. Fear that they'll worry too much.
7. I'm not getting along with Jenny, my host sister who's 5. Not that we fight or anything, we just don't talk to each other much. I don't know why i can't communicate with her. Well, it would help if she talk to someone else other than her mother. What is wrong with me? I feel emotionally tired everytime i try to talk to her. I'm disappointed.
8. No one pays any attention to me at all. It's really sad. I hate troubling people. I'm not an attention seeker. As a matter of fact, i hate attention seekers. Don't know how to deal with all these oh-so-complicated problems!
Please pray for me. What should i do? God, make a clear sign for me. I'm definately not happy, and i have no one to talk to. I know everyone is trying to be helpful, but it doesn't help at all and makes me even more anxious than before. What must i do??
The Golowan Festival went on during the weekend. There were lots of things happening in Penzance. Golowan in the Cornish Language means the Feast of St. John. I went for a Cornish crash course. Here are a few words that i learnt.
Dedh da - Good day/Hello
Fatla genough why? - How are you?
Pyth yw? - What is it?
Pyth yw agas hanow? - What is your name?
Dew genough why - God be with you/Goodbye
Penzance - Holy headland
Here's a good site if you are interested in the Cornish Language http://www.clas.demon.co.uk
It's been pretty alright lately. I'm going through all these ups and downs dramatically. I've learned to love people more. In a sense, i really miss my family very much. A hint of homesickness. I wonder how is everyone getting on back home? I pray for them. Although i don't have a clearer picture of what God wants in my life, i shall have no doubts. It was probably not a good idea to go to Australia although i know it will be fun. As Ai Wei said to me, "The harvest of people is more important". And i DEFINATELY AGREE!!.
You only love Jesus as much as the person you love least.