There has been a lot of mayhem and confusion about my stay here in England recently. Deep down, i don't want to go home yet although I like the idea of going to Australia. In a way, i'm dying to go home because i can't stand the situation i'm in much longer. It, of course, has been preventing me from doing other things. It's been quite disturbing emotionally too. I know, in a way, Carol is such a nice person, but i'm finding it difficult living with them. I find it hard and very tiring, it's taking up loads of my energy - physically and mentally. Why? I have no idea. Perhaps it's the single parent thing? I didn't think it would affect me. Made me realise that divorce is the most cruel form of abuse parents can do to their children. I'm not judging anyone here. I find it very unfair to be told off for something i haven't done. Knowing me, i just take it all in by myself without any reasoning. This is causing me strain, but what can i do? Talking back is a rude thing to do. Not that any child/children here knows anything about the rudeness of talking back!
I'm so confused with my situation right now! I can't decide on whether to go to Australia or to stay here in England. One thing's for sure, i can't stand my host family right now! Not that they are bad people. They are quite alright. Only thing is that i don't feel that the communications are right. It sucks. I'm not happy here. However, i still would like to stay because i've made dear friends here and haven't really got the chance to finish going around the UK. I've decided to leave it to God. If it was his plan for me to continue here, a new family would be found for me by the end of next week, if not, i'll be flying home straight away and due to be in Australia by the middle of July.
I really don't know what to do. Both options are good. I will only stay here if i change host families. I do hope if they find me a new family, there wouldn't be any young children. Not that i hate kids or anything, but i can't communicate well enough with them. It's hard and stressful. Well, i don't know! I pray that God leads me to the right path.
I'm so not looking forward for my host family to come back from their holidays(they went to Malta, by the way. And they say they don't have money!). I do not look forward in staying with them again. I do not look forward to moving houses again. I do not look forward in being anywhere near them. I do not look forward in being told off for no reason again. I do not look forward in hearing their stories. I do not look forward in moving back in with them again. i do not look forward to seeing the rest of their family. I do not look forward in moving out of Eileen's. I do not look forward in sitting in a car with them. I do not look forward in packing my stuff again. I do not look forward in seeing Dylan again, who by the way is the worst and most stubborn dog i've ever met. I do not look forward in becoming a babysitter, dog walker, dishwasher, house cleaner. I do not look forward to anything that has got to do with them. Get the point?!
Today is THE day. The day my host family comes back from their "wonderful" vacation. I'm dreading to go home right now. I DON'T WANT TO MOVE! I'm so full of complains these few days. I still can't decide on whether to fly home and go to Australia instead or not. I hope AFS UK can find me a new family ASAP and i hope this time, they don't have little kids pestering me. It's emotionally draining to deal with them! Urghh...it's a few days left til summer and i'm still freezing. Can the weather get any better than this??! Oh, i really hope something is sorted out soon. I don't think i can stand much longer with my host family. I have no idea what i'm going to do during the summer holidays. BORED stiff.
What a nightmare this is becoming. I'm definately dreading the moment. I hate feeling like a nomad. Rowena - The Cornish Nomad. Yes, that should be my new nickname. This is sure one heck of an experience.To make things worse, I don't know where i'm off to or where i'm going. I don't like feeling like this. Not knowing anything is quite frustrating. I don't want to move to St Ives at all. It's damn troublesome. I can't express my anger elsewhere. No one listens. No one understands. I probably will get told off by Carol again. It sucks. I can't be myself with them. I don't have friends here, which makes matters worse and life more depressing. I pray this experience will have a positive effect on me. I can't bear my own anger. It's so stressful. It's tiring. I want to scream! I want to shout! BUT, i can't.....
As expected, my host family didn't come for me at all yesterday. They are coming for me today. Not that i want to see them so much, and sharing rooms with my host sister doesn't make things any better. I like to have my own privacy, and not having people bugging me or up my neck all the time.
Fortunately, Ai Wei was online just now and i managed to speak to her on MSN. We spoke a lot about our spritual life. it was a relieve speaking to her, but in a way, i'm still confused with my own current situation. As Annie said in her email(from AFS Malaysia), my problem isn't big at all. I also did speak to Nigel this morning(from AFS UK). Thankfully, he didn't seem angry, as i thought these people would be. But why is it so frustrating. To make things worse, my host mum's sister-in-law is there too. So i'll have to face another person and live with a stranger for the next few days. How exciting....NOT! I wonder how Syeekin is doing with her host family situation? I hope everything works out well for her. I know they've already found a new host family for her. Well, good for her. I'm still ever hopeful. I don't know what to expect from God. I need conformation from him. It seems that i can't get settled anywhere for now. I'm always moving. I so NEARLY got settled in April, but look what happened then. Due to my host family selling their house one weekend, i'm still living with Eileen until today, two months! Longer than expected, but it is good. Gave me some space away from all the comotion. I think it's also because of the single parent thing which i am so not used to. It's so hard. The kids are dying for attention all the time. I can't stand it. I pity them too however. They are so deprived of a father's love. Not that getting a new father now will make things better. Well, it has got to be someone or no ones fault. Single parenting is a hard job. So anyone with children out there who's thinking of divorce, please don't. Think of your children. They are going to suffer a lot. They will crave for attention from everyone. They may not realise it, but it's obvious to others.
I don't know how long i can take all these. I pray that things will look up for me soon. It might not be a big problem to some, but it's troubling my heart.