A gay man-about-town, long on charm but short on cash, surprised his friends by his sudden marriage to an extremely ugly woman whose only virtue was her well-padded bankroll. After the marriage, his friends were doubly mystified by his insistence on taking his wife everywhere with him. "I can understand you marrying that painfully ugly woman for her money," one of his close friends remarked frankly, "but why do you have to bring her with you everytime you go out?" "It's simple," the husband explained, "it's easier than kissing her goodbye." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A father who was advising his son said, "The only way to succeed is to start from the bottom and work up." The son argued, "But I want to be a grave-digger." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- We were all seated at the table with a guest, who was sister's newest boyfriend, all ready to enjoy the meal, when little Tommy blurted out: "Why, Jenny, this is roast chicken and ham." "Yes," answered Jenny, "what of it?" "Well, you said this morning that you were bringing a big fish home for dinner tonight." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- John had been invited to the funeral of a neighbour's third wife, and as he had attended the funerals of the first two, his own wife was surprised when he informed her he was not going. "But why are you not going to this one?" asked his wife. "Well, Mary, it's like this. I feel a bit awkward to be always accepting Bill's invitations when I never have anything of the sort to ask him back to." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Two men were chatting about their height problem when suddenly one of them came up with an idea. 1st Man : I wish I could be taller. 2nd Man : I think I've got a solution. Well, I have never tried it before but I have seen it work. 1st Man : Oh yeah? Tell me (anxious to know). 2nd Man : From what I know my grandfather was short like you during his lifetime. I also heard that he did some hanging to make himself grow taller. 1st Man : Hanging? Well, did he succeed? 2nd Man : Yes, he ended up in a 7-feet coffin. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Reunion Beggar : Could you spare a dollar for an old man who wants to be where his family is? Lady : Certainly, my poor man, where is your family? Beggar : At the cinema. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Fred : Have you seen Paul? I have been searching high and low for him. Dick : Well, those are the places you ought to look for him. He died last week. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- He was deeply in love with his wife, but awfully careless about money matters. He went away on a long business trip, leaving her short of money and promising to send her a cheque which he forgot to do. The rent became due and she telegraphed: "Dead broke. Landlord insistent. Wire me money." Her husband answered: "Am short myself. Will send cheque in a few days. A thousand kisses." Exasperated, his wife replied: "Never mind money. I gave landlord one of the kisses. He was more than satisfied." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The lawyer for the defence was cross-examining a witness in a robbery case. "When did the robbery take place?" demanded the counsel in a bullying tone. "We don't care what you think, sir. We want to know what you know." "Then if you don't want to know what I think," said the witness quietly, "I may as well leave the box. I can't talk without thinking. I'm not a lawyer." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Mommy : David, tell me, who do you like better, Daddy or Mommy? David : Daddy. Mommy : But Mommy gives you present and I have been very kind to you. David : That's alright, Ma, but Men must always stick together. |
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