Susan : She kept yawning all the time I was talking to her. Raymond : Maybe she wasn't yawning. She might have been trying to get a word in. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Sick Story Not long ago, a man felt rather ill, so he went to be x-rayed, but they saw through him. So he went to the ear specialists, but they had heard it all before. So he went to the neurologists, but they got on each other's nerves. He then sent the psycho-analyst half out of his head. It seemed a hopeless case, until the physiotherapists muscled in on the act. They told the cardiologist, who had a heart-to-heart talk with him, and the dentist, who did his best to extract the truth. Then the osteopath who made no bones about it, sent for the surgeon, who got it all out of him and sewed up the problem. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A Salesman and Customer "If you can spare me a moment, Sir," said the brisk young salesman, "I will show you how to earn twice as much money as you are now getting." "No use," grumbled the customer, "I am already doing that." --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A farmer brought his brother to see a psychiatrist. "My brother," he explained, "thinks he's a hen." "For how long has he been thinking of being a hen?" asked the doctor. "Nearly four months" replied the farmer. "Why didn't you do anything about it?" "Well, to tell you the truth, doc." said the farmer, "we needed eggs." --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- "Late again," the boss barked, as young Tony slipped into the office and took his seat at his desk. "I'm sorry, sir." the young man said. "Last night my wife presented me with a boy." "It would have been better if she had presented you with an alarm clock." said the boss. "I rather imagine she has." Tony replied wearily. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- After a minor motor accident, one of the two drivers involved, climbed out, strode up to the man standing on the pavement, and thinking him to be the driver of the other car said sharply: "Where the dickens is your tail-light?" The pedestrian replied: "What do you think I am? A blooming glow worm?!" --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Hilarious Nephew Last week Robert and I were on our way to see a show. I drove him in my car. Then I began to complain about the price of petrol increasing and said, "I have to stop at a petrol station to pump some air into the tyres." Having the idea to brighten things up, Robert said automatically, "Well, Uncle Sunny, don't let inflation stop you from doing that!!" --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- There were 3 soldiers. They had just received a letter each from their respective wives. 1st Soldier : Hey, guess what? My wife just had twins! Before I left here a few months ago, she was reading a book on Romula & Romulus. 2nd Soldier : Well, my wife was reading one on the Three Musketeers and she had triplets!! 3rd Soldier (terrified) : Gosh! Mine was reading one on the United Nations when I left her!!! --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A small girl came home after school and asked her mum whether Moses suffered from constipation. Her mother, rather surprised asked, "Why do you say that?" She replied, "I heard from my teacher that Moses took a tablet and went out to the mountains." --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Judge : Now, tell the court how you came to take the car. Culprit : Well, the car was standing in front of the cemetery for quite some time and naturally, I thought the owner was dead. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Would-be suicide : Don't save me. This is suicide. Life-guard : Sorry, mate, you'll have to postpone it, I want a life-saving medal. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Judge : Well, guilty or not guilty? Prisoner : Not guilty, Sir. Judge : Have you any witnesses to call? Prisoner : Of course I haven't. Do you think I take witnesses along when I steal fowls? --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- She : How many times a day do you shave? He : Oh, about forty to fity times. She : Are you crazy? He : No, I'm a barber. |
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