I am so stressed out right now, I wish everything could just go away... I've never doubted how I feel or felt until now, when I read my Rising Sign in Pisces to find out that I'm like a Chameleon and can adapt. Unfortunately, I already knew this, just never gave it much thought. Why does everything hafta be so damn hard for me? I feel like I want to just explode, too much stress... Nobody's causing it except me and school really, and work... It's so contradicting in my head! As much as I'd LOVE to be alone just to think or simply be alone, or meditate as people tell me I should do, I also have that need inside for someone else just as comfort. Maybe thats the part of me that needs to grow up? I'm supposed to be "the strong one", the dominant male figure or whatever, but I'm only strong physically; not mentally. My mom told me herself that if I were a girl, I'd probably have attempted suicide by now, so by far, thats reassuring to know. This is the first time that I've ever been angry and sad to the extent where I felt this bad before...
I have a project thats supposed to have been done last Friday left to finish up... my teacher says that I can bring it in soon, with the loss of some points, but since Matt is never around, I'm not going to bother. We finally got our survey's printed off, and ready to pass out to get accurate results, but we only were able to pass out about 30 or so sheets out of 100 that were printed off. Not only that, but Matthew never came to school that Friday, so I couldn't do anything on my own, like get the rest of the results back from the survey's... making it all just a waste of time and paper. I've done my part, at least I tried to get together with him to work on everything, but he's never around! I had talked to him, made plans to work on it, but he never called me back when he gets home... so I'm not doing it! I don't care if I get a bad mark, at least I try to get something done on it, he only lives down the road from me too! Why do I even bother?? *sigh* After I called his place to see if he was home, his girlfriends mother told me that the two of them had gone to Yarmouth and that she'd tell him to call me back when he got home... I get pissed off with that, frustrated & stressed out by everything, and just go to my room; its the only place that I can go to be alone, punching the hall door as I go to my room, slamming my own. Soon after, my mom comes up to talk to me; me already in tears, looking down at my hand thats bleeding from one of my knuckles for the first time ever. *sighs again* Life is too hard... half the time I don't even want to go on, let alone try to figure out what makes everyone tick, makes life go on... so I forget about it for now.
Hours pass...still, no phone call. Still though, I don't give a shit, I'm tired and my stress has given me a headache. I'm tired of all this bullshit, I'm not going to bother, its not worth it. If he isn't going to be around to help me make the introduction and things, then the project can just go to waste. I plan on graduating this year, and so does he, but at his rate, he'll have to stay back another year as it is just to pass Sociology, since he's never there half the time. As it is, he has to stay behind another year to take Biology 12 or something so he can become a paramedic like he wants to, I don't even know where I'd like to go, let alone what I want to do...
Looking down at the inch long bloody gash on my hand and the foot long crack in the door panel where I punched it, and I'm just reminded of how I handle life from day to day, like the stress I endure. I wish I could just calm down and make everything logical and understandable; its not that easy. Doing that is like trying to rename someone a different name; sometimes its not even possible. I don't know what to do, and all I look at now is the crack in the door and the gash on my hand to remind me of how much I can take... I almost wish I could just die, maybe it'd make everyone elses life easier? Or would it make everyone's worse? I just need to breathe...