Dead Fag's Hill
"What the fuck?" barked Rex. "Someone was hanged here probably."
"Oh, Rex I think we should leave," said Benny looking at something.
Rex turned around and saw it too. It was a tombstone. He read it. "REX D. died 1875."
"That's bullshit," barked Rex. "You think it's talking about me? Rex isn't that an uncommon name for a dog. But D could stand for Druggy, Dude, Dumbass�"
And suddenly as Rex wandered came a time ripple. As if the time and space realities have shifted. Rex found himself sitting on top of a horse, a noose around his neck. He saw Andy (Alexei's stepbrother) on another horse, in a jacket, a cowboy hat and boots, and wearing a sheriff badge. Two other men who Rex doesn't know were there on horses.
"Rex Dickhead," said Andy. "You're accused of being a wrong dog in the wrong place at the wrong time. May Satan have mercy on your soul."
"Andy, what the hell are you doing?" barked Rex.
Andy kicked the horse away from under Rex, and Rex was left hung and dangling.
AT THE DAWN OF THE CENTURY, REX THE GERMAN SHEPHERD DOG AND BENNY THE GRAY CAT FUCKED FOR A SHITTY WORLD. DRIVEN BY ASS-BITION, SEXUAL DESIRES, A THIRST FOR ASS-VENTURE, AND FUCKING THE ULTIMATE STORY. THEY'RE STRANDED IN A STRANGE AND SAVAGE SHIT. BEFRIENDED BY RETARDED PEOPLE. EACH DAY IS A DESPERATE FUCK TO SURVIVE�
Sir Alexei Samul's THE SHIT WORLD
IN CALIFORNIA, IN VALLEY OF ENCHANTMENT, ON SAN BERNARDINO MOUNTAINS, IN CRESTLINE AREA.
Rex and Benny 51: Dead Fag's Hill
Rex hung on the hanging tree by his neck in the desert. Benny the gray cat came walking up to a hill on which the tree stood. Benny jumped up and pissed on the rope which ripped. Rex fell down gasping for air.
"Benny, you saved me," said Rex. "What the hell happened?"
Rex saw he was out in the desert with a couple of trees around him.
"I don't know what you're barking about," said Benny. "My name is Pussy. Like a pussy cat. I don't know why Sheriff Sommerfield would hang you and I don�t want to know."
"Sommerfield?" asked Rex. "Andy Sommerfield?"
"There is only one Sommerfield. Jack Sommerfield. And he is the law around here," said Benny.
"Now you listen to me," said Rex. "You're Benny. You're my best friend. And Andy is Alexei's stepbrother!"
Rex tried to grab Benny, but Benny turned around and farted shit out of his ass at Rex. Rex went flying backwards, hit his sexy body over which Alexei masturbates. Rex hit his head on a rock and passed out. Rex woke up in a ranch house. There is cat shit and piss all over the floor and furniture. The wood is gray and weathered. Benny chewed up rats in his mouth and spat them in a bowl to feed Rex.
"This is the Triple Shit Ranch," said Benny. "So called because my master liked shit a lot."
"How do I convince you of who you are?" asked Rex.
"My master went on a cattle drive three months ago. He had a fetish with horses and large farm animals and he had sex with them," said Benny. "He was killed by rustlers."
"So where the hell are we?" asked Rex. "What is the date?"
"We're in Wyoming," said Benny. "The year is 1875. Damn, you're fucking crazy."
In town there is a local pub. Nikki (Andy's Mexican girlfriend) runs it. There were drunk men, drinking wine into which Nikki has mixed in her own urine. Piano music was playing. A nigger in cowboy boots and leather jacket and a hat walked in. All of his clothing was black and his spurs jingled. You would recognize him as Corey, but after all there was a reality shift. Corey drew his gun, took money from the gamblers, then took another man's drink, and gave the gambler's money to him. Corey wiped his ass with the gamblers' cards and they licked his shit off of them.
"Hello Mr. Johnny Ringfag," said a man who was drinking beer.
"Is that piano music I hear?" said Corey. "I hate piano music."
Corey shot the piano five times with his gun. The drunks ran out of the pub yelling in fear.
"You're so bad for business," said Nikki. "Came to pay the tab?"
"You think you got it pretty well made here, Bitchlet?" said Corey pointing the gun at Nikki.
Nikki poured Corey a drink.
"I hear Sheriff Sommerfield hung a dog that works for the rustlers," said Nikki.
"Yeah, Sommerfield is stationed over by the river," said Corey.
Back at the hanging tree, Sheriff Jack Sommerfield (Andy) came riding to the hanging tree. Andy finds the torn hanging rope.
"Boys," said Andy. "Treachery is apenis. I want Rex Dickhead, dead or alive, mostly dead."
And they came galloping toward town. They rode on horses into Triple Shit Ranch where Rex and Pussy (Benny) were hiding out. Jack Sommerfield got off the horse and sniffed around, holding his gun ready. He picked up some horse manure with his finger and licked it off.
At night Rex and Benny went to the pub to talk to Bitchlet. Rex was surprised to see Nikki. Nikki spent her whole life running the tavern, and dancing naked around the pole in it. She shows drunk men her tits.
"You're Nikki," said Rex. "Andy Sommerfield's girlfriend. Nikki enjoys the sheriff's huge dick."
"You see, Bitchlet," said Benny. "Rex is trying to find the sheriff."
"Yeah, I need to bring him to my side," said Rex. "Maybe then we can figure out how we got here and how to go home."
Bitchlet drew Rex the map of the river and put it in his teeth. Rex ran out of the tavern at night, and headed into the plains, out of town to find Sheriff Sommerfield and settle this once and for all. Nikki took off her shirt and danced around naked in front of Alexei (a servant of a drunk horseman. Alexei cleans up horse shit and sleeps in it). A drunk man beat Alexei for not finding a naked chick hot.
In the morning Jack Sommerfield (Andy) sat and was cooking lizards affected by a drug called Penisfaggot. Andy ate a penis off the lizard. Rex snuck up behind him.
"Andy!" barked Rex.
"Well, well, well," said Andy turning around. "If it isn't Rex Dickhead."
"I'm Rex the dog," said Rex. "And you're Andy. We're best friends. I saved your life and you saved mine countless times. San Bernardino mountains is a home to a series of shifting shits of reality. We must figure out how we got here and how we can go home."
Andy grabbed a gun out of the holster and fired at Rex. Rex jumped toward Andy, bullet missing him. Rex tackled Andy down. Andy beat Rex's sexy body. Andy's gun went flying. Rex shit on his sheriff badge. Andy licked dog shit off his badge, grabbed his gun and started firing at Rex who ran away into the trees.
Rex was walking and came over a hill when he saw Johnny Ringfag (Corey) standing by his horse.
Now I have to figure out if he is my friend thought Rex.
"Hey Corey!" yelled Rex. "Do you recognize me?"
"Of course I recognize you," said Corey drawing his gun. "How could I forget an old friend. After all you'll save me a whole lot of trouble just by dying!"
Corey started shooting at Rex. Rex jumped up and down on the rocks. Suddenly Pussy (Benny) came jumping out of the trees at Corey. Benny crawled down Corey's pants and hung upon his testicles. Rex jumped and knocked off Corey's black cowboy hat. Corey kicked Rex in the penis with the spurs on his shoes. Corey put the hat with dog shit in it on his head.
"Now listen to me," said Rex. "You're Corey Lyles!"
"And you are um� Gayatt Earp," said Corey and shot at Rex's paws. Rex came jumping and tackled Corey. Benny crawled out of Corey's ass with crusty shit just in time as he landed on a sharp stick that went up his ass. Rex kicked his gun with his paw. It went flying, hit the ground, went off, and shot Corey in the ass.
Rex and Benny left him there and came to the hanging tree where Benny found him, where all this first began.
"So who is Corey in your world," Rex asked Benny (Pussy).
"Johnny Ringfag is a shiftless outlaw," said Benny.
As Corey was pulling the stick out of his ass, sheriff Jack Sommerfield came riding up on his horse with two men. He dismounted and walked up to Corey.
"Look at the nigga now," said Andy. "Something happened today. Rex Dickhead found me in my hideout. I don't know if I should trust you. When did you tell him how to find me?"
"I never told him anything," said Corey.
"Then who?" asked Andy.
"Bitchlet," said Corey.
An hour later Johnny Ringfag came into Bitchlet's bar and took off his pants. Nikki took the bullet out of Corey's ass and stitched his wound. It hurt like hell.
"You make me sorry I ever killed the doctor who wears a doctor gown over his naked body, unbuttons it and walks around showing his pubic hair and penis to people," said Corey.
Rex and Pussy came walking through plains up to the Triple Shit Ranch. There were hoof beats and Sheriff Sommerfield and his men came riding up to it with torches.
"Burn the fucking place," yelled Andy.
The men threw torches into the house and in the barns. The place went in a flaming inferno.
"I'm gonna kill you, you fucking sheriff," screeched Benny.
"Oh fuck! Fuck!" barked Rex as the sheriff and his men turned around and started firing their guns at them. Rex and Benny ran past the trees as Andy and two men galloped after them. Rex and Benny ran through a clearing. Sheriff Sommerfield and his men right behind them, galloping in slow motion on horses, raising their guns and firing at them. Rex and Pussy (Benny) ran up a hill behind the rocks. The sheriff and his men jumped off their horses and started firing at the rocks.
"Rex!" yelled Andy. "We can do this easy or we can do this�" Fires his gun. "Harrrrd!"
Rex and Benny went up a hill. A hot bullet rubbed against Rex's sexy body. Over the hill there was a cliff and a river below it. They came jumping off 100 foot high cliff. They screeched as they fell. Shit fell out of Pussy's ass. Shit fell out of Rex's ass. They hit their sexy bodies over which Alexei masturbates against the water and felt sexy pain. Jack Sommerfield and his men didn't need to follow them, they knew exactly where Rex and Pussy would go next.
Rex and Pussy walked into town. The tavern was empty, no horses tied next to it. But it never closes.
"I wonder how Jack Sommerfield found out I was helping you?" asked Benny. "Unless Johnny Ringfag and the sheriff are partners."
Rex and Benny walked into the tavern and saw Bitchlet (Nikki) tied up inside it. Pussy (Benny) ran over to help her when Ringfag (Corey) walked out pointing a gun at them.
"Corey," said Rex. "Stop this. We can't go home without you."
Corey started firing his gun. Bottles went shattering and Rex's sexy body got caught in a spray of glass. Rex and Benny ran toward the door when Sheriff Jack Sommerfield (Andy) burst through the front doors, pointing his gun at them.
"No one goes anywhere," said Andy.
Rex tipped over a candle which fell on the alcohol soaked floor. Flames burst in front of Andy. Rex, Benny, and Nikki came running out of the tavern. Nikki grabbed a gun as Corey ran out. Corey shot Nikki in the boob. Nikki went flying backwards, grabbed her own gun and shot Corey in the chest who went flying backwards. Benny ran up screeching to Nikki but she was dead.
"Stupid bitch," said Corey to Nikki, coughed blood and died.
"Noooooo!" barked Rex. "I won't accept this."
Just then sheriff Jack Sommerfield burst through the doors of the burning tavern, pointing his gun at Rex. Rex grabbed Corey's gun in his teeth, held it sideways, pulled the trigger with his tongue, and shot Andy who went flying backwards and screaming. Andy was killed. Rex walked over and touched Andy's sheriff badge. Rex howled in sadness. His best friends have died.
"Did it have to come to this!" howled Rex. "Did it have to come to this!"
Just then there was a shit ripple in time and Rex found himself standing in front of the hanging tree back in Valley of Enchantment. A rusty sheriff badge was clipped to his collar.
"I lived it," said Rex. In a shit ripple the noose on a tree and a tombstone with his name was gone as if it never was. Benny was next to him.
"Oh, I knew I didn't like this place," said Benny. "Let's go home."
Back at the house Benny, Andy, Corey, and Nikki listened to Rex's story.
"So you ended up to be a dog who tamed the wild West," said Nikki.
"Your mind must've substituted faces of those you know as the characters'," said Corey.
"Somehow a restless spirit of a cowboy who was hung for a crime he didn't commit, made that tombstone and noose appear in VOE?" said Benny.
"Where a noble soul might find it," said Andy. "And fuck things to rights, in this gay world or the next."
"So Benny," said Rex. "Care to ride off into the sunset?"
THE END