The Travelfags
"I don't see the point in looking for Corey," said Benny. "He disappeared in that hovercraft crash."
They came to an intersection. Rex headed up Highway 138 toward the house and Benny walked down the street toward Valley of Enchantment Elementary School. They were trying to find any sign of Corey the black kid, even his remains. Nothing. Benny walked down the street when suddenly some ghetto kids ran out in front of him. They started chasing Benny the cat. They threw rocks at him. Benny jumped on the kids. His dick went in their mouths. Benny shit cat shit on them and hung on them with his claws. Kids grabbed Benny by the penis and threw him on the ground and bathed him in a shithole of mud on the road. Suddenly there were hoof beats and three men rode out in 17th century costumes on horses. The leader with a goatee and long hair fired a gun into the air. Kids ran off screaming. The man got off the horse and walked over to Benny and picked him up, petting him.
"I'm your guide to a gayer life," he said and placed Benny on the horse.
"Why, fuck you kind sir," meowed Benny.
As the three men rode away with Benny through the mud, their horses left hoof prints. And just then hoof prints lit up with brown light and disappeared as if they never were.
AT THE DAWN OF THE CENTURY, REX THE GERMAN SHEPHERD DOG AND BENNY THE GRAY CAT FUCKED FOR A SHITTY WORLD. DRIVEN BY ASS-BITION, SEXUAL DESIRES, A THIRST FOR ASS-VENTURE, AND FUCKING THE ULTIMATE STORY. THEY'RE STRANDED IN A STRANGE AND SAVAGE SHIT. BEFRIENDED BY RETARDED PEOPLE. EACH DAY IS A DESPERATE FUCK TO SURVIVE�
Sir Alexei Samul's THE SHIT WORLD
IN CALIFORNIA, IN VALLEY OF ENCHANTMENT, ON SAN BERNARDINO MOUNTAINS, IN CRESTLINE AREA.
REX AND BENNY 46: THE TRAVELFAGS
Rex ran up to the house and found out that Benny hasn't returned yet. Andy (Alexei the retarded skinny Russian kid's stepbrother) and his female brown Labrador dog Siena were there.
"I was an idiot to get separated from Benny," said Rex the dog.
All three of them were in the garage. Alexei's stepdad has gone down the mountain to customers to install cabinets in their house. Alexei came into the woodworking shop garage.
"Die you anorexic fuck," barked Rex and jumped on Alexei. Andy lynched Alexei in a tree for being retarded. Alexei is a mad Soviet kid.
The man with long brown hair and a goatee galloped on the horse through the National forest with Benny sitting on his lap. Two other men with long hair galloped after him on horses. (Fa-fa-fa-fa-fuck! Fa-fa-fa-fa-fuck!) The three horses galloped through the forest. (Fa-fa-fa-fa-fuck! Fa-fa-fa-fa-fuck!) They came riding into a camp filled with four tents in the clearing. The man set Benny down on the ground. He and his comrades got off the horses and tied them down.
"Thanks for the lift," meowed Benny. "Now I would like to know who you are."
"Fagcois Fucke is the name," said the man. "Meet Condifuck and Shitt, my loyal companions on a road of life."
The two other men petted Benny. Fagcois Fucke wore a black cape, a white shirt, and a hat with a feather in it, and carried a gun and a sword.
"Do you know where I live," said Benny. "My friends will come looking for me. Would you take me back to VOE?"
"It's going to be dark soon," said Fucke. "Enjoy my friendly hospitality."
Fucke led Benny the cat into a tent where it was filled with all kinds of pet products. Cat food, cat naps, and a cat thing for cats to climb on.
"How could you refuse now?" asked Fucke.
"What's the catch?" asked Benny. "And who are you?"
"I've traveled the world," said Fucke. "And I can do that as easily as you take a shit out of your ass. Yesterday I was in New York, the day before -- piece of shit gay Paris, and the day before Moscow. And I never had to get on a plane."
"That's impossible," said Benny.
Fucke showed Benny all kinds of relics in the tent from around the world. Benny also looked at a French newspaper "Le Precurshite" dated for March 2, 2004 -- two days ago.
"You stole all this shit," said Benny.
"I guess I'll just have to show you," said Fucke. "Not now, but soon. Condifuck and Shitt joined my travels. Condifuck was a lowly accountant and Shitt is a French chef. I can leave these mountains without ever riding down the hill. I've been watching you and I see your life can be better, Benny."
It disturbed Benny that Fucke knew his name when he never had met him before. Benny and Fucke walked out of the tent and were met by Condifuck and Shitt.
"I will prepare a nice meal for Benny," said Shitt. "Cat food � l� Shitt."
"You're a fucking homo, dude," said Benny.
Condifuck sneaked over to a his horse and wrote a note and attached it to the saddle. He untied the horse, kicked it in the nuts, and it galloped away into the forest toward town.
Night fucked upon the forest. Benny slept on silk sheets upon which he pissed and shit. Suddenly he woke up in the middle of the night and heard Fucke yelling at his companions outside. Benny peeked out of the tent and saw Fucke naked and his men naked. Condifuck was sucking his dick. Fucke kicked Condifuck and Shitt in the faces.
"You bit my fucking dick when you sucked it," shouted Fucke and kicked Shitt. Then he turned to Condifuck. "And you, you piece of shit dirty drunk bum. You're worthless. I gave you immortality and I can take it away!" Fucke screamed in his face and urinated on him out of his dick.
"You're right," said Condifuck in a shaky voice. "I'm worse than worthless."
Fagcois Fucke raised his boner to the sky and looked up and laughed in a demonic laughter that echoed in the night forest. "Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!"
Morning came. Rex, Andy, and Siena had to set out to find Benny when a horse came galloping up to the house. Andy took a note attached to the saddle and gave it to Rex who read it. If you ever want to see your cat friend again, load the horse with all the valuable shit you got and send it on its way.
Benny woke up in the tent and found Fucke standing over him, now dressed.
"Quiet an argument you had last night," said Benny.
"A slight misunderstanding, that's all," said Fucke. "Did a night in silk sheets convince you to join us?"
"I don't know," said Benny. "My friends will be worried."
"Your friends have done nothing for you, Benny," said Fucke. "I on the other testicle know everything about you. That retarded Russian Alexei kid tortured you, swung you off the edge of the roof on a dog leash. With me, you will live like a king."
"You're right," said Benny. "My life is with you and everything you have to offer."
Rex ran into the house, took all the Russian jewelry Alexei's bitchy mom has and threw it in a garbage bag. Andy dumped all his money and credit cards into it.
"How do they know if we give them half of what we have, even a quarter," said Siena.
"We're going to do sexactly as instructed," said Rex. "Everything goes on the horse. First Kevin's gone, then Corey, now Benny. Someone who kidnapped him made a big mistake."
Rex took a shit on the ground and turned away when wind blew at the shit and it melted into writing. Andy immediately recognized it belonged to Corey. And everyone was amazed. Beware a fuck, the message said. Corey was present here somewhere as a spirit of some kind.
Andy tied a bag to the horse. Rex also shit on the bag, so he could track the scent and follow it. They send the horse on its way. As it galloped down the Highway, it left hoof prints in the dirt which got caught in a shit glow and disappeared as if they never were. Now Rex, Andy, and Siena worried. What kind of creatures are they going to run into? They followed the horse to the edge of the forest.
Back in the travelfags' camp, the horse came galloping back. Condifuck opened the bag and threw all the treasures around. Benny saw that it belonged to his friends.
"You robbed my friends?" asked Benny.
"This is now our treasure," said Fucke. "You join us and it's fuck and fuck alike."
A few moments later Rex, Andy, and Siena walked to the camp with tents and found no one there. They heard hoof beats and three men riding away into the forest on horses. Benny sat on Fucke's lap and meowed goodbye to them. It was amazing. He did not look a prisoner but as if he had joined the men. Rex and Siena walked into the camp. Suddenly the camp got caught in shit glow, and tents, tables, a Porter potty, and all the hardware started disappearing one by one as if it never was there until everything was gone and nothing but a grass clearing was left. And then Fucke's hideous laughter echoed in the air. "Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!"
Siena spotted a little clay doll of a troll looking thing with its penis going in its mouth.
"Goddamn," said Rex. "It looks like Ofag, the Gay God of the Shito tribe. I've read the legend about how he lures people in by offering their heart's greatest desires and then leads them to ruin using them as sex slaves. That would explain the disappearing tents, the hideous laughter, and horses that leave no footprints. As much as I hate to admit it, we may be fucking with supernatural forces."
"And looks like Benny is their victim," said Siena.
Three men galloped on horses with Benny through the forest. A horse took a shit which disappeared. They came to a dry creek bed in the forest, stopped, and dismounted.
"Condifuck! Shitt!" said Fucke. "Make sure we're not followed. And if we are, kill them."
"No!" meowed Benny. "There is no need for violence."
"You would deny my fags harmless entertainment?" asked Fucke. "Come on, let's take a walk."
Rex, Siena, and Andy were walking through a clearing when there was rustling in the bushes and a coyote came jumping out. Siena barked at it and Andy screamed. The coyote headed toward Siena, but Andy grabbed a stick and stabbed it. Another coyote came jumping out of the bushes and pushed Rex on the ground. It howled over Rex and went to eat him, when Siena growled and tore out the coyote's bladder with piss and ate it.
Condifuck and Shitt heard the commotion and came over the hill. They started firing their guns at Rex, Andy, and Siena. They split up and ran in three different directions. Condifuck set off after Andy and Siena. Andy and Siena ran into the forest. Andy ran behind a tree, lifted Siena in his arms, and as Condifuck went running by, he threw Siena at him. Siena's vagina went in Condifuck's nose. She shot a stream of urine up his nose. Urine exploded from under his eyelids.
Fucke and Benny walked through the dry creek bed.
"You know, I haven't told you the whole truth, Benny," said Fucke. "I'm immortal. Spirit of the Gay Forest in a human form. I will live forever and never die unless I'm killed by means of violent ways. I made Condifuck and Shitt immortal. And I can give you the same immortality."
"Really," meowed Benny. "I don't believe you."
"Then I will have to show you," said Fucke.
Shitt stood under a tree in a clearing. Rex jumped on him from behind and tackled him. Shitt's gun went flying on the ground. Siena jumped toward Shitt but he kicked her in the face with his boot. Andy grabbed a gun and pointed it at Shitt.
"No! Please!" begged Shitt. "I'm immortal unless I die by means of violent ways. Ofag gave me immortality. I-I mean Fucke!"
"So he is a Faggot God," said Rex. "What's he going to do with Benny."
"Kill him, make him immortal so Benny can give him sexual services forever," said Shitt.
"Take us to him," said Rex. "And for your sake pray we're not too late."
Fucke carried Benny up the steps of an overgrown temple in the forest. As he walked by, torch lights lit up in flames.
"This was once a glorious temple built in my name," said Fucke.
Fucke brought Benny over to three holes in the floor filled with sewage.
"Benny, to become immortal you first must die," said Fucke. "I killed Condifuck and Shitt and made them immortal. You see Condifuck was a greedy accountant from 300 years ago and Shitt was Louis XIV's chef."
"No! I don�t want to die," screeched Benny when Fucke jumped with him in the sewage hole and stuck Benny under piss to drown him. Benny screeched and clawed.
"I'm Ofag -- Gay God of the Shito tribe," said Fucke. "They tried to banish me but I tricked them and danced in their shit while they sucked my dick. Now, Benny, you will suck my dick and get fucked in the ass by me and regret the choice you've made for eternity."
While Andy and Siena guarded Shitt, Rex came running up temple steps and tackled Ofag. Benny floated unconscious in sewage. Ofag grabbed his sword.
"You live by the penis, you die by the penis my friend," said Rex and jumped on Ofag, plunging his dick in the crusty shit of his ass. Rex pissed inside Ofag. Ofag screamed in sexy pain. Condifuck came running out of the forest and laughed at Ofag. Benny woke up and jumped on Ofag, scratching his penis tip. Ofag screamed. Rex grabbed a sword and cut off his nipple.
"Now go," said Rex. "I'm giving you chance."
Ofag got on the horse and so did his two sex slaves. Ofag reached up his ass, took out shit and threw it into the air. A swirling shit portal appeared and on the other side Rex, Benny, Andy, and Siena saw skyscrapers and an Empire State building.
"New York," said Benny. "That's how he travels the world. Through magic portals."
"You've had your chance to suck my dick and threw it away, Benny," said Ofag (Fucke).
The three men ran their horses through the portal, appeared in New York, and then the portal closed. Rex, Benny, Andy, and Siena walked away from the Homosexual God's temple. They told Benny how Corey's spirit wrote a warning note in shit. BEWARE A FUCK it said. And then in the air around them came Ofag's hideous laughter. Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!
THE END