A Butt-Pirate's Curse
"Alexei the stupid Russian kid with gay glasses smells like dead catfish," said Rex.
"So true," said Benny.
Rex and Benny kissed, when suddenly the dirt moved. Rex and Benny screeched as they went falling down into a 20 foot deep pit. Rex landed on the dirt on his ballsac and Benny landed on his paws.
"Damn you and your cat abilities," said Rex and licked his aching ballsac.
Rex and Benny looked around a 10 foot diameter pit. They saw a skeleton in a pirate hat. The hat had a symbol of a skull and two cross-penises. Yes, cross-penises. Benny saw a chest sitting against the side.
"Rex, you don�t think�" said Benny and walked over to it.
Rex found writing scratched on the chest.
"'May death fuck all who fuck my plunder'," read Rex. "The pirate was a drunk idiot."
Rex shoved his dog penis in the lock on the chest and it opened. Rex took the lock off with his teeth and opened the chest. Inside were glistening semen diamonds, turd necklaces, piss crystals. Treasure to last a lifetime and more.
"Let's take the treasure," said Rex. "It's ours."
AT THE DAWN OF THE CENTURY, REX THE GERMAN SHEPHERD DOG AND BENNY THE GRAY CAT FUCKED FOR A SHITTY WORLD. DRIVEN BY ASS-BITION, SEXUAL DESIRES, A THIRST FOR ASS-VENTURE, AND FUCKING THE ULTIMATE STORY. THEY'RE STRANDED IN A STRANGE AND SAVAGE SHIT. BEFRIENDED BY RETARDED PEOPLE. EACH DAY IS A DESPERATE FUCK TO SURVIVE�
Sir Alexei Samul's THE SHIT WORLD
IN CALIFORNIA, IN VALLEY OF ENCHANTMENT, ON SAN BERNARDINO MOUNTAINS, IN CRESTLINE AREA.
REX AND BENNY 41: A BUTT-PIRATE'S CURSE
"And let's honor the good captain who made this all possible," said Benny.
"Oh, yes. I almost forgot," said Rex. He raised his rear leg and pissed on the dead pirate's skeleton. Andy and nigger Corey jumped in the hole. They pulled the treasure chest out. Rex was strangled as he was lifted out of the hole by the collar. Benny climbed up the side. Rex and Benny pawed through the treasure. Rex placed a turd necklace upon his neck.
"I always loved to surround myself with things of beauty and value," said Rex.
"These are worthless bodily secretions made into jewelry," said Corey.
Benny pulled a journal out of the chest. It said "Blackpubes the Pirate, 1860." on the cover. Benny opened it and started reading.
I, Blackpubes the Pirate, have plundered a British ship. The place I was in was Bermuda Tripenis. Then came a strange maelstrom of piss and shit blowing in the fart wind. Weird shit glow surrounded my ship. Ship fell from the sky!!! Next place I was in was on top of a mountain in small salt water sea located in the forest valley. I decided to call the valley, 'Valley of Enchantment'. We were stranded so my crew saw a chance to take my rightful treasure. My ship crew attacked me. Their dicks penetrated the crusty shit on my asshole. They urinated and defecated upon my ugly hairy body. I escaped with a treasure, burying it and myself in a hole, to guard it.
"That's where it ends," said Benny. "We lived in this house for several months and never knew a pirate treasure was hidden beneath the yard."
"I think he talks about the Inshit Pee," said Rex. "Ships have been disappearing in Bermuda Tripenis for ages. It may have a supernatural connection to the Inshit Pee in the woods. We have to go there and explore to find the mystery of Bermuda Tripenis."
Rex the dog and Benny the cat ran across the intersection, down Highway 138, and into the woods. Rex and Benny walked through the forest and smelled piss breeze. They walked out onto the sandy shore of 2000 foot in diameter salt water sea called the Inshit Pee. They had one in Rimforest, just not this big.
"Do you believe in that dead pirate's curse?" Benny asked Rex.
"Pirates have long been gone," said Rex. "There is nothing they can do to us now."
Rex and Benny walked along the shore and came to a gray, wooden, weathered shack on the shore. Human shit lay all over the beach surrounding the shack. Who the fuck would choose to live like this? Suddenly a fat guy with a beard, in a white shirt, brown pants, and a tri-corner hat walked out of the shack. His hat had a symbol of a skull and cross-penises just like the dead pirate. The fat fuck pulled out guns and pointed them at Rex and Benny.
"Stop right there, Rex and Benny, or you get a bullet each," said the pirate.
"Shitso?" said Rex.
Shitso fired his guns into the air.
"Come on in for a cup of refreshing urine," said Shitso. "One should not ignore friendly hospitality!"
Back at the house Alexei was licking the pirate treasure. That stuff was shit and semen frozen solid and the faggot is licking it. Alexei's bitchy Russian mom came up.
"Pew! Who brought such awful thing! Who put such awful thing here? In the dog's place," said Alexei's retarded bitchy mom. She made Alexei Homosexei carry the chest to the trash cans and dump the treasure in there. Today Bill the garbage man was picking up trash. Bill is a fat fuck who has a fetish with Mickey Mouse, even wants to have sex with Mickey Mouse.
Rex and Benny sat tied up at a table in Shitso's seashore shack. Shitso had shit rubbed into his beard. He picked shit out of his own beard and ate it. Shitso urinated in cups -- his friendly hospitality -- and when Rex and Benny wouldn't drink, he poured urine all over them. Shitso held a gun the whole time.
"I guess the Blackpubes' treasure was cursed," said Rex.
"Aha!" cried out Shitso. "You found it, scoundrels! It is mine! I've been looking for it for a month already. You see, a famous pirate named Blackpubes came to the mountains. Hid the treasure, the braggart that he was, and it's nowhere to be found you see."
"We don't have any treasure," said Rex. "We just heard stories, like you, that's all."
"Ah, I get it! Folk tales!" said Shitso. "Born yesterday, you think I was, you shitty dog." A parrot took a shit on Shitso's shoulder. Shitso licked off parrot shit. Shitso smacked Rex's sexy face. He threw paper down in front of Benny and pointed his gun at the cat.
"Draw me a fucking map," said Shitso. "Now!"
Benny took a shit on the table, then wadded his paw in it, and drew Shitso a map with shit. Shitso picked up the map and walked out. Later Rex and Benny saw him outside with a bunch of drunk men. His mates, no doubt. Rex and Benny saw out the window that Shitso was tearing up the map.
"Oh, damn it," said Benny.
"This map leads nowhere," said Shitso to his mates. Shitso picked up a poodle walking near him. "This mutt here will sniff out Rex and Benny's trail," said Shitso. He held Benny's shit in front of the poodle's nose. "Go find Blackpubes penis and soul!"
"If there's shit, shooting, and genitals flying, I'm always happy to oblige," said Shitso's mate. Shitso's mates walked away. Shitso came back into the shack. He grabbed Benny out of the chair and carried him outside and down the shore of the sea. Rex was still tied up in the shack. Rex had to get away so he started chewing on the ropes.
Shitso took Benny into a cave located on the shore of the Inshit Pee. Benny saw skeletons tied up in the cave. The cave was half-way filled with seawater. Shitso put a metal manacle around Benny's ballsac.
"This cove fills up like a bladder with piss once the tide rolls in," said Shitso. "I say you got about an hour." Piss lapped at Benny's sexy body. Shitso walked out of the cave. Benny was going to drown.
Rex chewed up the ropes and walked out of Shitso's pirate shack. Rex ran through the forest. He had to find Benny, wherever Shitso has taken him. Rex ran through the woods and up a hill on top of which he saw a coyote eating a dead carcass. The coyote saw Rex and started barking. Rex ran downhill. The coyote set off after him. Rex rolled through the dirt. Rex hit his sexy penis against the dirt. Rex hit a root in the ground and went flying. Rex landed on the rocks with his ass. Rex went sliding on his nipples. Rex saw a drainage pipe and went crawling into it. The coyote ran down the hill. Rex saw the drain pipe was barred on the other side. Rex pushed a rock inside it in front of the entrance, partly blocking it. The coyote stood on the other side and howled, trying to get at Rex. Rex was trapped.
Shitso's mates walked up to the house where Andy and Corey were sanding drawers, helping out in Alexei's dad's woodworx business. The pirates raised their guns and started firing into the sky. The little poodle ran over to Andy and pissed down his shoe.
"You two be good boys," said the mate. "Or I'll shoot, and ask questions later."
Half a dozen pirates walked into the backyard, found the exposed ditch, Blackpubes' skeleton, but no treasure chest.
"Somebody took the fucking treasure," yelled the mate. "Lots of people are going to die for this, starting with that fat kid and a nigger!"
The treasure was in the garbage, when Bill the garbage man came and started throwing trash in his piece of shit truck. Pirates walked in front of Bill and saw the treasure in his truck. Pirates shot their guns into the air and into Bill's truck. Bill grabbed the garbage bag with the treasure and threw it to Andy and Corey. Bill got dog shit on him. Andy and Corey grabbed the treasure and locked themselves in the garage woodshop.
"Hey!" yelled the mate. "One fag's trash is another fag's treasure!"
Benny was up to his neck in water in the cave. Tide was rolling in quickly. Benny pulled his ballsac and squeezed his testicles through the manacle. After freeing himself Benny swam out of the cave and headed into the woods. He had to find Rex.
Rex was still trapped in the drain pipe with a coyote howling at the entrance. Benny came running out of the woods and saw that. Benny grabbed a stick in his teeth and threw it, stabbing the coyote in the neck. The coyote dropped dead. Rex crawled out of the pipe.
Rex and Benny ran through the forest. Suddenly they saw Shitso the pirate walking through the woods, rubbing shit on his beard off his ass. Rex and Benny ran through forest away from him, when Shitso spotted them.
"Hey!" yelled Shitso. "Get back here, you fucking turds!"
Rex and Benny ran out onto the shore of the Inshit Pee. They ran up to Shitso's shack and ran inside. Rex and Benny saw barrels of gunpowder. They decided to cook up a nice surprise for Shitso. Rex tipped over the barrels and Benny started spreading gunpowder around. Shitso saw them moving inside his shack through the windows.
"Hey!" yelled Shitso. "Out of me shack, faggots!"
Shitso fired his guns into the shack. Then he walked away into the woods. Benny was watching out the window and wondered why he left. Shitso came back, rolling a cannon after him. The cannon was pointed at the shack. Shitso grabbed a cannonball and shoved it in with his penis. Rex and Benny saw all that.
"I been savin' this for something special!" yelled Shitso and lit the fuse.
Rex pushed burning logs out of the fireplace, catching the shack and gunpowder on fire. Rex and Benny dove out the back window and ran into the woods. Shitso's cannon fired. The cannonball flew into the shack as it exploded into a fireball. Shitso went flying back as chunks of his shack went up in flames. The cannonball flew through the flames. Flaming cannonball went flying in the forest through the tree branches above Rex and Benny. Flaming debris hit Rex and Benny's penises and nutsacs. Shitso screamed in anger.
Rex and Benny came to the house back in VOE and saw pirate mates sitting around, drinking beer. Rex and Benny came running across the intersection toward them. Pirates grabbed their guns and swords and started shooting at them. A pirate ran toward Rex and hit him in the ballsac with a sword. A bullet rubbed against Benny's sexy body. Benny jumped on a guy and crawled down his pants, came out covered with pubic lice. Gunshot bullets hit a tree which shattered. Rex grabbed a guy's sword in his teeth and swung it around. Rex's and pirate's swords clashed together. Benny jumped on a pirate's hand holding a gun, shit in the barrel. The guy fired, the bullet shot backwards in his head. Rex shoved a sword up a fat fuck's ass with crusty shit on it. The pirate licked shit off his sword. Rex ripped off a pirate's eye patch, and shit in his empty eye-socket. A parrot fucked Benny with its' penis. Andy and Corey opened the door, Rex and Benny ran in, and the door was shut. A pirate with a peg leg ran around and started beating down the glass door with his wooden leg.
Rex, Benny, Andy, and Corey went inside the garage. Rex and Benny warned Andy and Corey that Shitso might still be coming for the treasure. So Rex and Benny got a terrible and wonderful idea. Shitso drove into the driveway in a beat up truck. Shitso fired his gun at the house.
"You got my treasure!" yelled Shitso. "Bring it out and nobody gets hurt."
Rex and Benny came dragging the treasure chest out. Shitso and his mates grabbed it and threw it in the back of the truck. Shitso drove to the forest with his mates in the back and stopped. They came out and decided to look at their treasure. Shitso aimed his gun at the lock and shot. There was a flash of bright light. Rex and Benny heard a distant explosion go off. They barked and meowed in cheer. The chest was filled with lacquer thinner and all Shitso had to do was create a spark with a gunshot.
"We're the true pirates! Scourges of San Bernardino mountains!" yelled Rex and Benny.
The treasure was still safe with them.
THE END