Shit Outlaw
"Highway 138 is behind it," meowed Benny.
Rex saw a cave in the mountain and so did Benny. They headed for it. A black, orange, and white colored cat walked up behind them.
"I have been in that cave," meowed the cat. The cat's voice was loud as if someone was killing it. Damn crazy cats. Benny is the only normal one. "There is a valley on the other side, surrounded by higher mountains with a swamp, and swarms with nasty forest predators."
Ignoring the cat, Rex and Benny went inside the cave. They walked through the darkness of the fissure, came around a corner and saw brown light. They came up and went into it. Their sexy bodies and penises were masturbated by a light of brilliance like none other. As they walked into it, loud farting noises came from the atmosphere. They walked out and stood on the edge of a mountain overlooking a valley below. Brilliant light reflected off massive shit encrustations on a mountain peak and was hitting the cave entrance. In the valley there sat a village.
AT THE DAWN OF THE CENTURY, REX THE GERMAN SHEPHERD DOG AND BENNY THE GRAY CAT FUCKED FOR A SHITTY WORLD. DRIVEN BY ASS-BITION, SEXUAL DESIRES, A THIRST FOR ASS-VENTURE, AND FUCKING THE ULTIMATE STORY. THEY'RE STRANDED IN A STRANGE AND SAVAGE SHIT. BEFRIENDED BY RETARDED PEOPLE. EACH DAY IS A DESPERATE FUCK TO SURVIVE�
Sir Alexei Samul's THE SHIT WORLD
IN CALIFORNIA, IN VALLEY OF ENCHANTMENT, ON SAN BERNARDINO MOUNTAINS, IN CRESTLINE AREA.
REX AND BENNY 37: SHIT OUTLAW
"That cat didn't mention any light or villages," meowed Benny.
"Anyway," barked Rex. "Let's go check it out." They went down the side of the mountain.
The village resembled an Old Western town. It was full of peasants going about their daily lives. There was nothing modern, just wooden houses, and some barn animals walking around. In the village also stood a tavern which was run by a skinny bald piece of shit man named Edgay. There was piano music playing and drunk men sat around and drank Edgay's piss out of bottles.
"I wish I could get out of this shithole," was saying a naked hooker to an alcoholic when Edgay in a tuxedo came over. "Not that this ain't a nice establish-shit."
"I don't know why I keep you around," said Edgay.
"Three reasons," she said pointing at her boobs and vagina.
A brunette with her face covered with a kerchief came riding up to the tavern and got off her horse. She pulled out a gun and walked into the tavern, pointing it at Edgay.
"Give me all your money," she said. "Someone has to set you straight."
"No one does this to me," said Edgay. "I'll have you swing for this."
"You know you'll never catch me," she said.
Everyone laughed as Edgay took out bills. He stuck them down his pants and rubbed shit all over them off his ass. "Still want them," he asked.
The outlaw woman took the money, licked shit off them, and threw them around the bar to alcoholics. "Drinks are on the gay house," she yelled, ran out, got on her horse and rode off.
Rex and Benny were walking through the forest when they heard a horse galloping. The outlaw woman rode by, a horse pissed on Rex out of its' penis, the woman threw the baggy with stolen money to Rex and Benny and rode away. Benny pulled on strings with his teeth and opened the baggy. It was full of money.
"It probably came from the village," barked Rex. "We're good samaritfags. Let's take it back."
Rex and Benny walked into the village. Children ran up to pet the dog and cat. They saw a tavern and a drunk man that came flying out the door. He fell in horse shit and licked it off.
"Come back when you can stand up," yelled the naked hooker.
"Let's go in for a drink," meowed Benny.
Rex and Benny went inside the tavern. They jumped on bar stools as alcoholics laughed at them. Rex dropped the money bag on the counter.
"You're crazy to come in here with this," said the hooker.
She poured Rex whisky. Rex lapped it with his tongue. Suddenly Edgay and a town sheriff came into the tavern. Edgay saw his money.
"I got the outlaw bitch's accomplicefags," yelled Edgay.
The sheriff pulled out a gun and grabbed Rex's collar. Benny screeched as he jumped on the sheriff's badge and shit on it. The sheriff licked cat shit off his badge. Edgay and the sheriff led Rex and Benny through a village toward the town's jail. Suddenly Rex began barking and growling real loud which startled Edgay and the sheriff. Rex jumped up on the table outside.
"Imagine!" barked Rex. "None of this was here. Just a swamp filled with ravenous flesh eating coyotes�" Rex and Benny stood up on rear legs and shot piss which went in Edgay's and sheriff's mouths. Rex and Benny went running off into the woods.
"Hunt and kill, damn it," yelled Edgay. "Fuck! Fuuuuuuuck!"
Rex and Benny ran off through the forest in different directions. The sheriff was running through the woods. Benny ran through the forest.
"The cat and dog hunting season is officially open," yelled the sheriff.
Rex pissed on the pine needles and ran. The sheriff lost his shoe, stepped in piss, and fell. Edgay chased through the forest after Benny. Benny the gray cat lied down on the ground and rolled onto his back. Edgay ran out of the woods, saw Benny showing his ballsac to him. At that time Rex came jumping out of the tree and tackled Edgay. Rex shit all over his bald scalp. The sheriff came running and pointed his gun at Rex and Benny.
"Mr. Edgay, sir, when did your hair grow back," said the sheriff pointing at Edgay's scalp covered in dog shit. Edgay looked at him with mad eyes.
Andy the human and Nikki the human girl went in the woods to find Rex the dog and Benny the cat. They walked among backyards and houses.
"I could've been fixing up the Bronco instead of looking for them," said Andy.
Suddenly came hoof beats and the horse with the outlaw woman came riding up to them. She jumped off and pointed her flint-lock gun at them.
"Give me all your valuables and I will let you live," she said. "Your clothes too."
Andy took off his clothes revealing his penis and nutsac. Nikki took off her clothes revealing her boobs and vagina. The outlaw woman put all their valuables in a bag and got on her horse.
"Don't bother trying to find me," she said. "In two days I'll be gone forever."
And she galloped off into the woods. Andy and Nikki walked naked through a forest and saw a cave that Benny and Rex went into this morning. So they headed into it.
Rex and Benny were put in jail cell with tight bars so the cat wouldn't walk through them. Edgay sat and watched them.
"It was a mistake for you to rob me," said Edgay. "Now you two will hang."
"How can you mistake us for an outlaw woman," meowed Benny. "We're animals, she is human. You know we didn't do it."
"Maybe you didn't," said Edgay. "But these ignorant peasants know that I'm in charge. And they would love to see the execution. So justice will be swift."
Andy and Nikki walked to the end of the cave and came into brilliant brown light reflecting off the shit encrusted wall of the valley. There were farting noises in the air.
"Must be some sort of atmospheric differential," said Andy. "I bet that light appears only for two days out of the year. Then the position of Earth in its orbit would change and the sun won't strike that shit anymore."
Andy and Nikki saw a village below, decided to check it out, and walked into the forest. They came into the old western village and stole shit stained clothes that were drying on ropes. Suddenly a sheriff came up to them.
"Um, we're looking for a German shepherd dog and a gray cat," said Nikki.
The sheriff grabbed his gun. "What do you know about that?" he said.
Andy and Nikki took off running. The sheriff and a couple of other men ran into the woods after them. Bullets struck the trees. Andy and Nikki lost them, ran up a path along a mountain and back into the cave. They went through and came out on other side into the forest.
"They're in there," said Andy. "We need a new plan."
Night came. Rex and Benny sat in jail when Edgay came back.
"What I don't understand," said Benny. "Is how did this village come to be."
"Oh, it's simple, and I'm the only one who knows its secret," said Edgay. "Ignorant peasants go about their daily lives barely aware. You see for two days out of the year, when sunlight hits the brilliant shit on the mountain side, it brings two realities together. Where we come from there are other villages just like this one, but every year something changes. Tomorrow by sunset it will be gone forever."
Rex and Benny stared at each other in amazement as Edgay walked away.
The sun rose in the morning. Edgay and the sheriff walked Rex and Benny out on leashes. Two nooses hung on the gallows. An ugly man with big lips with a black wig sat at the bench. He was a judge.
Alexei the shitty Russian kid leaves floaters in the toilet.
"I'm going to make a run for it," barked Rex. He pushed Benny over, yanked the leash loose and went running. The sheriff set off after him. Rex ran inside a barn, grabbed onto a meat hook with his teeth, swung around and as the sheriff ran in, Rex came swinging and stuck his dick in his mouth. Rex jumped down, grabbed a knife in his teeth and put cuts on sheriff's sexy body.
"Rex, come on out!" yelled Edgay. "The trial is now in gay session!"
Rex came out and saw the man holding Benny in his hands with a gun up to him. Edgay moved the gun away from Benny and shot Rex. The bullet put a deep cut in Rex's front paw. Benny screeched as Rex fell. Rex and Benny were thrown back in the jail cell. Rex was bleeding.
"I need a perverted veterinarian," yelled Benny. "The one who walks around naked with a doctor robe on him, unbuttoned on the bottom, so his penis and pubic hair can be seen, and then he makes the animals suck his penis and pubic hair."
Shitso brought out a hot metal poker. "Cauterize the wound," he said.
Benny the cat took the hot poker in his teeth and touched it to Rex's wound. Rex howled in sexy pain as blood vessels were seared. Benny slightly touched Rex's penis with a hot poker.
The outlaw woman paced in the forest outside the valley. Her horse neighed in sexy fear for there came a howl. She drew her gun as a coyote came running out of the forest at her. It jumped around and howled. Andy and Nikki came running out of the bushes. Andy grabbed a stick. Nikki tackled the bandit bitch. The coyote howled like a cornered animal. Andy grabbed a gun from the outlaw bitch and shot the coyote dead.
"You're going to take us back to that gay village," said Andy to the outlaw woman.
Rex and Benny were led out of the jail house to the gallows as villagers cheered. There was finally going to be an execution.
"These are the dog and cat who take the money from our pockets and fill our genitals with fear," said Edgay. "Let not this evil fuck us any longer."
Rex and Benny stood on the gallows. Nooses were thrown over their necks. Suddenly Andy, Nikki, and the outlaw bitch came running into town. Benny shot piss out of his penis in Edgay's mouth who drank it. They pulled their heads out of the nooses. Rex took a shit down the executioner's black robe. They ran down the gallows. Benny shit on a judge's gavel. The judge licked shit off of it.
Andy, Nikki, Rex, Benny, and the outlaw woman ran through the village. Men grabbed Nikki's tits. Benny jumped on the sheriff, crawled down his shirt, and stuck his cat penis in his nipple. The sheriff set off shooting wildly. Andy rolled naked on the ground as bullets struck near him. Nikki fell in horse shit with her tits. Rex pulled down Edgay's pants and pushed him in the wheelbarrow. Rex pushed it with his paws and he rode into a brick wall. The bricks collapsed and Edgay shrieked as his testicles were smashed. Andy, Nikki, Rex, Benny, and the outlaw bitch ran into the tavern. Gunshots went through the window. Edgay was pissed off.
Inside the tavern Andy found a hatch in the roof and opened it up. He boosted up Nikki into it. Then Andy threw Rex up whose penis got hit against wood and got a splinter in the tip. Andy and the outlaw bitch got out. They all ran through the forest. Benny pushed a lantern on the floor and it burst into flames. Benny the gray cat came running out in front of Edgay.
"Guess what?" meowed Benny. "We were outlaws all along!"
Benny ran as Edgay and the sheriff shot at him and missed. Edgay screamed and shit fell out of his ass all over the sheriff as his tavern went up in flames.
Rex, Benny, Andy, and Nikki ran through the forest. The outlaw bitch got her horse and rode back into the village. The sun was setting and when that happens the village will be gone if they don't get to the cave. They all ran up the side of the mountain, into brilliant light. Just then the sun set, light stopped reflecting off shit encrustations and the village was gone. Nothing but roars and howls of forest predators were there. Everything was back to normal as normal gets. Rex, Benny, Andy, and Nikki went through the cave back home.
THE END