| Movie Review of �Mulholland Drive� The next time I get a decent weekend away, I�m gonna book me a cheap flight to Nice in France and then catch a coach to the small little town of Cannes. Why? �Cos I think the drugs are cheap there. Hell, they probably sell- no, give them away on the streets. I�ve never been there, nor have I read any fancy guidebooks extolling its virtue, but I hold this to be correct. Why? Well, because Cannes screwed up big time this year. They did. First, they nominated for Best Film a porn film with a tenuous plot but lots of clothes (trust me, that�s a correct description, you gotta see it to believe it). And another Best Film nominee? This one. What�s it about? Hot girl-on-girl action. Seriously. That�s all I got from the film, and that�s all I�m saying. To be honest, I must have accidentally smoked some weed the day I watched the film. I mean, this is David Lynch, he who gave us the huh-it-ended-so-what-happened �Twin Peaks� and the gratuitously-violent-oh-but-there�s-a-reason-but-what �Lost Highway�. The only reason why I parted with my credit card at the cinema was because this film had been heralded by many critics � about how good it is, that Lynch is a genius, how the two what�s-their-face actresses blow their acting job out of the water, blah blah. No matter. R.D. brings you a review of yet another nominee for Best Film at the Cannes Porn Film Festival 2001. The actresses playing the two female protagonists are Naomi Watts and Laura Harring. Pay attention, people. That�s the last you�re gonna hear of them. You don�t believe me? Well, how many porn stars can you name off the top of your head, smartypants? None? My point exactly. Anyway, Laura plays this woman who is about to be offed by two people driving the car she�s riding in. (Un)fortunately, a car full of rowdy faceless teenagers comes crashing into the car, killing the two would-be assassins. Laura stumbles around cluelessly, and then works through some scrub and enters a house, just as the owner of the house is going off on a vacation. Enter Naomi, dazzlingly innocent. She�s the niece of Vacation Woman, and she�s in LA for an interview, to hit the big time as an actress. Porn? No. I love how porn films never poke fun at their own kind. Have I watched a porn film, you ask? Zuh, don�t ask, before I embarrass myself. Anyway, Naomi is positively awed by LA and the house, and even when she finds a naked Laura trying to take a shower (hmm ...). You know, without any water actually spraying from the shower, as people in porn films tend to do. Hey wait, am I giving too much away? Turns out our dear Laura has lost her mind, and by that I mean she�s amnesiac, though you�re forgiven for thinking otherwise by the end of the film. She calls herself Rita, after Rita Hayworth. Oh, these porn films- fine, I�ll stop. Even I�m getting tired of that recurring, um, gag. Makes sense so far? Not really? Well, it gets worse. There�s this New Young Punk Director (NYPD) who�s trying to cast his movie, and some mysterious mafia force seemingly run by a dwarf (no, I�m not making fun of short people) intent on casting a particular woman for the lead role. NYPD refuses, and his life essentially turns to hell. I should also mention that neither Laurita nor Naomi is that particular woman, so this subplot basically has nothing to do with them. Or so it seems. Then there�s this guy who gets a heart attack after seeing a gruesome man, some bumbling assassin, two kind but irritating old people, and various other characters walking around and generally making the film even more confusing. Digression : Those of you waiting for the lesbo scene will have to continue reading on. Sadly. Anyway, back to our usual programming. Naomi and Laurita start this adventure of trying to determine Laurita�s identity and what she was doing in a car on Mulholland Drive (well, at least the title has something to do with the movie, phew). They pretty much fail, until they find a little blue box, of which Laurita seems to have the key to in her handbag, in addition to thousands of dollars. Oh yeah, before this revelation, Naomi decides that she loves Laurita, and they uncomfortably get it on beneath the sheets in Naomi�s room. Then Laurita starts speaking Spanish in her sleep and then they go out, at 3 am in the freaking morning, to listen to some singer warble her way through Roy Orbison�s �Crying�. Great effort, really. Naomi starts going into fits, and then they somehow find the box in Laurita�s bag. All that really happened, people. I know it seems like I�m just joining random sentences together. But trust me. They open the box, and suddenly both of them disappear. Like into thin air. Vanish. Without so much as a �boom� or white smoke. This was two-thirds into the film. Then suddenly, a whole new story seems to unfold, except this time Laurita and NYPD are actually lovers, with NYPD managing to be even more annoying than before. Laurita and Naomi have their lesbo trysts on the sidelines, but Laurita is secretly trying to make Naomi jealous. Then Naomi gets a heart attack and she dies. The end. Kidding. But it might as well have ended here. Like, who cares anymore? Naomi gets extremely jealous and veers onto the path of self-destruction. She decides to get the bumbling buffoon of an assassin to kill Laurita. Then she starts playing with herself, or something. I must have fallen asleep somewhere before that. Or maybe I didn�t. Either way, I still don�t understand the film. Anyway, in the end, Naomi gets haunted by the fact that she caused her lover to die by ordering a hit. She gets tormented by this nightmare and then finally shoots herself. When did she get the gun? Stupid film. Well, to be honest, Naomi and Laurita actually deliver very compelling performances, particularly Naomi. And if you've watched it and really want to know how to figure the whole film out, e-mail me. Because I managed to find the key which opens that box. R.D.�s Rating : A HOUND DAWG�s walking down �Mulholland Drive�. Serious, once you get it, it�s really quite good. (What�s HOUND DAWG? Find out R.D.�s rating system here.) Sound off!! Did you enjoy the hot girl-on-girl action? Were you wishing for more scenes of Naomi and Laurita naked? Was your secret wish to see NYPD in the mix as well? Has R.D. even watched a porn film before? Voice off here. |