| Men In Dresses As I took steps to integrate myself into the trans community I was faced with certain disconcerting realities. My own prejudices were exposed the first time I attended a weekend specifically designed for men who wanted to frolic around as women, and not think twice about it. I remember driving up to the place and being ever nervous about what I was getting myself into. I couldn't help but think how strange it was for men to dress up as women. And yet this was exactly what I thought I was going there to do. There was a conflict within me that was being dramatically exposed. It would take me a few years to realize that the reason this bothered me was because I never really considered myself a man in a dress. I always arrived and departed these events as a woman whereas the majority of attendees came and left in male mode. I was certainly in denial about my true nature for most of my life. As I spent more and more time as Stephanie, it was becoming very apparent that I could no longer deny how I felt inside. I hated having to adjust to being in male mode once these little retreats ended. It would take me weeks to overcome the depression associated with leaving my feminine side in the closet. Those times I spent with these unique people served to open my mind to not only their plights, but most importantly my own. While this was happening I was coming out to members of my family, though, my revelations were not entirely a secret. It turns out that some of the women that I had dated years earlier took it upon themselves to inform my sisters of my "alter ego". I think my sisters merely invoked the "don't ask, don't tell" policy. For my family, especially my sisters, accepting me as a crossdresser would be much easier than accepting me as a transsexual. Anyway, I inched closer to accepting myself as a woman. Slowly but surely I allowed myself the luxury of being feminine, guilt free. |
| Nothing Holding Me Back I was fortunate that I never had alot of facial fair. I didn't have to shave on a daily basis, and could never sport a nicely groomed beard or mustache. I remember the first time I went to a trans event and had to shave every morning. After four days my face was a bloodied mess. Oh, how I hated that. But I suppose it was necessary to make me see how discontented I was with living a part-time female existence. Thus the idea of electrolysis would soon become a reality for me. I slowly but surely discovered that I ached not to have to transform myself every time I went out as Stephanie. So as time passed I found myself walking down a road that had no return. My thoughts would inevitably turn to how would I look and feel with a more feminine physique. I'll never forget having a conversation with a TS gal, who was retired, about why she started taking hormones. She had developed a nice set of breasts and I was somewhat envious. She told me she started taking the hormones because there was nothing left in her life to hold her back. She told me she was buying the estrogen over the internet and gave me the address of the company. I thought about her statement for nearly every hour of the following week. I just couldn't get it out of my head. It hit me like a ton of bricks; there was nothing holding me back either. I was single, had no children and was self employed. I was a prime candidate to make a fairly uncomplicated transition into womanhood. So, in about two weeks I had the estrogen and anti-androgen in hand. I was anxious to walk farther down the road that had no return. I knew what I wanted and I didn't wait for any recommendation from a therapist. It seemed so simple: take a small dose and see how I felt after a few months. What it did for me was truly remarkable. I felt a sense of ease in my life like never before. I was also excited about the physical changes that were slowly taking place. Replacing those mammoth amounts of testosterone with estrogen seemed to be really agreeing with me. |