| I managed to amazingly survive all those years of growing up in a conflcted state of mind and heart. As I look back on it I realize that I was so sheltered I really did believe I was the only person in the world like this. I think what helped me the most to understand my misplaced sex was my ability to connect with my emotions. Hiding my emotions was easy but living with them was another story. I have always been a very sensitive person and could cry at the drop of a hat. Wearing my emotions on my sleeve was what I wanted to do, but that would almost always cause me heartache. My ability to feel my emotions on such a deep level made me realize this was certainly not typical for a man. It took many years to allow myself the luxury of indulging in whom I really felt I was in my heart. It was inevitable that Stephen would wear out his welcome. After a lifetime of repression and denial I started down the road to reclaiming my true identity. This would involve plenty of heartache and doubt. I have always been attracted to women. I remember the first time ever having feelings for someone. I believe I was in the fifth grade at the time when I fell for a girl in my class. I thought about her night and day. I would get butterflies in my stomach just being in her presence. I was also deathly afraid to let her know that I had a huge crush on her. Ever since those days my passion for women has not waned. Unfortuantely, I would lose out on all my relationships with the women I dearly loved. I didn't keep my feminine side from them. I felt it was my obligation to inform them about me. I didn't want there to be any surprises down the road. Only as time has passed have I come to realize I was falling in love with the wrong women. I needed to be with a woman who was passionate for another woman. That realization presented me with a greater problem. There was definitely something hindering me from ever realizing a lesbian relationship: my male sexuality. Uggh! There just never seemed to be anything easy about my exsitence. My life would definitely take a dramatic change. It was finally time to take the steps necessary to change my body forever. If things had been difficult until then, I had no idea about how arduous they would soon become. BACK To My Transition |