| Taking estrogen certainly made me more comfortable with my sentiments, and living as a woman allowed me the willingness to express them. I doubted once I had the surgery that things would be any more intense. I can�t begin to express how wrong I was or remotely explain why I felt I was under siege. This remarkable new sensitivity in my life definitely shocked me. I felt by having the SRS I had thrown gasoline on my little campfire turning it into a raging bonfire. None of the change made any sense to me. I was confounded by the intensity of my emotions especially the highs and lows which seemed to happen all in one breath now. I considered the possibity that this was just a temporary situation. I tried as best I could to deal with the uncertainty of my emotional well-being. This was going to be an adventure of the likes that I had never known before. Twilight Zone Finding my way through the world, and all of its obstacles, after my surgery was indeed quite an adventure. My days were filled with tending to my new body and dealing with my new emotional perspective. I tried to fit in my other responsibilites between my scheduled dilations. This proved to be very demanding and tiring. I developed tunnel vision when it came to going out into the hustle and bustle of the world around me. It appeared to me that my existence had almost come to a grinding halt compared to the people I came in contact with. Strangely, I felt like I was walking in some kind of alternate universe at times. The only thing I can compare it to is some of the �Twilight Zone� episodes I watched as a child. Yes, it was that bizarre for me. My realm was almost that of a cocoon insulating me from the harshness of trying to step back into society unnoticed. Attempting to do that in my environment was nearly impossible considering the small town I lived in. Perhaps what I had done with my life really wasn�t that big of a deal to the people who were aware of my sex change, but I would never really know because my very own perspective had been irreversibly altered. I spent my days driving back and forth between Jodie�s house and my business. There was plenty of time for reflection during those trips. I was not making very much progress in trying to understand why I felt so out of place. Afterall, the only thing that had happened to me was something that only I could notice had changed. But when someone changes their anatomy in order to confirm their gender, something insidious happens. That very deed brings out all the insecurities, judgements and fears in even the most stable of people. I was trying hard to insulate myself from all of the negative aspects while welcoming the tolerance and acceptance that was also coming my way. It was a confusing and unsettling time for me. Jodie was struggling with her new life of being alone after her 30 year marriage had dissolved. Our problems weren�t exactly the same, but we were the only ones who actually understood each other�s plight. After each day would go by we would usually find ourselves commiserating about some facet of our lives. It was a blessing for both of us to have each other to hold on to during those distressing times. <<BACK<< >>NEXT>> |