RedWolfJC Rant Archive #2

Rants:

6/23/00

One more quick note of interest, seeing as how I got my monthly schedule of posting rants almost down again, I did get my grades, and actually pulled a 3.0gpa! �I'm pretty amazed at that, as i thought I would be failing one class because I bombed the final (see below). �By the way, I added some stuff to the page a little while back, since I have more space to play with now you get 2 songs of the month. �Yeah I know one of them is the new Feature Hairband of the Month!!! � � ��( yes I hear the groaning, too bad deal with it!) �This month the 2 songs are �1. Descendents-Pervert once again by request from NixonMojo, and HairBand of the Month Tyketto- Standing Alone. �I'm going to be rebuilding the site next month to give it a new look and feel too so big changes coming. �Oh and by the way, **** Shameless Plug Alert**** SIGN MY GUESTBOOK! �WIN FABULOUS PRIZES! no not really, but it looks cool. �Website of the month!!! �Got a new one for ya, if you haven't been there already The ViewAskewniverse! �Home of all those quirky Kevin Smith movies you know and love, like DOGMA!, and CLERKS! �It's Fun For The Whole Family. �And if you're not careful you might learn something too. Hey-Hey-Hey!

Until Next Time

JC

5/11/00

Well interesting finals week, I aced one bombed another, so i guess it all evens out. �I've been drinking pretty heavily, so excuse the spelling and grammar and stuff.. �Anyway, it's over, and time to go home, tomorrow. �I'm actually gonna miss it here, but thats cool i guess, i need a break. �I guess I blew it once again, I'm too much of a wimp and I don't follow up on anything, so because of that I remain single. �I guess it could be worse.

5/7/2000

Wow it's been a real long time since I did any rants. �Hmmm, maybe cause I've been busy? Naah, too busy getting drunk maybe. �It's finals week, and I am taking a much needed break from studying. �I got that little poem below from the NelsonBrothers website, at the time i thought it sounded good, but looking back it's pretty cheesy. �But then again, I think that about most of the stuff i put up here, so i guess it don't matter. �As I hope many of you have figured out, JC's page has a new home, at Geocities. �This is probably temporary, since right now I'm pissed off at Prodigy, and have cancelled my service with them. �Although with the plethora of free web services out there, I find it hard to think that I'll be joining a pay service anytime soon, especially since while I'm at school I have a T3 connection. �At the conclusion of Finals week, I'll probably rant some more, this has been quite a hectic semester, and in many ways I'm glad to see it end. �Though sometimes I wish it wouldn't too. �I know bad grammar, I ain't no English major after all. �I must explain the Cool Night song though as song of the month. �It was stuck in one of my friend's head, and he couldn't figure out what song it was, so I found it for him, and posted it so he could download it and get over it. �Then it started growing on me. �It's like one of those goofy radio shows that have that Jukebox from hell, or the Hum Job, the annoying song you can't forget. �I can't believe I only had 2 rants this semester. �Oh well, i better get a little chattier, or something. �Until next time have a drink on me.

JC

2/20/2000

It doesn't interest me what you do for a living.
I want to know what you ache for,
and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing.

It doesn't interest me how old you are.
I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love,
for your dreams, for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon.
I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow.
if you have been opened by life's betrayals or
have become shriveled and closed from fear of further pain.

I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own,
without moving to hide it or fade it or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy, mine or your own;
if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you
to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful,
be realistic, or to remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me is true,
I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself.
if you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul.

I want to know if you can be faithful and therefore trustworthy.
I want to know if you can see beauty, even when it is not pretty every day,
and if you can source your life from It's presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure, yours or mine,
and still stand on the edge of a lake and shout to the silver of the full moon, "YES!"

It doesn't interest me to know where you live or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up after a night of grief and despair,
weary and bruised to the bone, and do what needs to be done for the children.

It doesn't interest me who you are or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand in the center of the fire with me and not shrink back.

It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom you have studied.
I want to know what sustains you from the inside when all else falls away.
I want to know if you can be alone with yourself,
and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments.

12/15/99

well it's been a while, things have been hectic, I'm taking my finals this week, so it's been info-overkill. �I don't think i did as well as i wanted to this semester, but what else is new. Manic Depression is a frustrated mess. �I've been thinking a lot about what song to put up for the song of the month, especially since it's Christmastime, but putting a christmas song would be too easy, and after a little thought, i came to the realization that this is the most depressing time of the year for many people including myself. �This time of the year, i seem to always be surrounded by death,or solitude, so i figured i'd go the other way. �Maybe to let others out there who ain't having a joyous time like society says we're supposed to, that they're not alone. �anyway, i decided to put up an older Dream Theater song, Space-Dye Vest. �Anyhoo, since i gotta get back to studying, I thought I'd interject a few lines from the song and say farewell, at least until Y2K. �So thanks to all of you who have read these pages, i will try to post at least one more before the new year, but who knows if I'll get around to it. �So just try to get through if you can, it ain't as bad as it seems sometimes.

...There's no one to take my blame
if they wanted to
There's nothing to keep me sane
And it's all the same to you
There's nowhere to set my aim
So I'm everywhere
Don't ever come near me again
Do you really think I need you?
I'll never be open again...Dream theater

Peace

JC

11/23/99

Ranting a lot lately. �I wonder why?

By the way, the little poem below is in no way a suicide note, nor does it condone suicide. �It's more of like a free form thought process thing that just kind of developed. �However that does not change the feelings that went into it, they are all very real, and true. �The hopelessness there reflects my own feelings at times. �And although i would never commit suicide, I know the feelings very well of those who do. �

...Surrounded by strangers I thought were my friends

� � Wish I didn't know now what i didn't know then...

� � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � �Bob Seger- Against the wind

Never more than the past few days have these words rang true. �It is kind of weird how you think that you know someone, but you really don't, and how people really are who you never imagined them to be. �I think I mentioned below how people have come in and out of my life, how some stayed and some went, and ones I thought would always be there were gone in a flash, and people I never expected to hang around somehow hang in there. �I forgot to mention one thing. �I'll probably piss off all of my friends for saying this because they'll all think it's them. �There's some people who just don't know when to go away. (Side note to mi amigo's- When the time comes, you'll know who you are) �I understand when people get caught up in their own lives, that they want to reflect upon it, and inform the people that they love what's going on. �But there are certain people who come around for one purpose only, at least it seems that way to me. �To just brag about their life, and how much better it is than yours is. �I don't even mind the braggers who still have functioning ears, actually it's kind of a god thing, because at times it motivates you to become better. �The ones I can't stand are those who have absolutely no interest in anything other than hearing you say how wonderful they are, and their life is, while making it a point to avoid any type of conversation involving anything but them. �The type of people who wouldn't care that you just won the lottery, or that you just fell in love, but would rather change the conversation to how cute their dog is, or how nobody understands them. �Now I know I'm a bit of a whiner, and I complain a lot (which is very apparent here) but I'm not like this in real life. �The one sidedness of this page is only because no one has given me any input to place here, and it's kind of hard to have a 2 sided conversation with ones self. �Hopefully you understand my point. �But one thing I have always tried to do in conversation is listen as well as speak. �And I admit, I am far from perfect in this, but still I attempt. �No I'm not complaining that I�don't get enough attention, because i am not an attention whore, actually I am saying the opposite. �Every conversation has 2 sides, with 2�people who are living 2 lives. �Therefore there should be 2 stories going on. �Some people just forget that there is another person with a life, and with feelings there. �

Maybe I should just change the name of this page to JC's Bitch and Rave page.

I guess this rantis the biggest waste of time, because the individuals I am speaking of are way too concerned with themselves to ever read it anyway so I'll stop bitching about it now.

On a happier note, I have finally had a little time to work on my various projects, �I've got about 2 chapters written in what i guess you could call my first novel entitled "Strength In Numbers". �One of my short stories, entitled Silence, will be in a forthcoming issue of The Sun magazine, which I'm pretty pleased with. �I am also working on a screenplay, which is as of yet untitled, but so far looks pretty good. �I have a couple of side projects going on to, but details of that will be forthcoming. �Unfortunately, time is running a little short until finals are upon me, so a lot of this stuff will be moved to the back burner until finals are over. �A lot of good things are happening for me at this point though.

Anybody who has grown up watching wrestling as I did will immediately recognize this months website of the month. �Half of the former wwf tag-team champions, and general heavyweights the British Bulldogs, the Dynamite Kid was one of the greatest wrestlers of all time. �Unfortunately, from all of the injuries sustained over the years, he has in recent years been confined to a wheelchair. �I won't go into all the details, but his story is definitely one that you should check out if you have ever watched him as I did as a kid. �

Thats all for this time kiddies! �Until Next time

� Hasta Luego

JC

11/19/99

Don't feel sorry for me
your empty sympathy has no effect
For you were never there anyway
Don't mourn me
My death is meaningless to you
for you never cared anyway

Don't patronize me with empty tears
They only add to Hells fire which burns me
Don't say you knew me
You never cared to try
And when I die �Don't ask why
You know the answer it's always inside
Just turn your back and walk away
thats all you were ever good for anyway

I won't miss you when I'm gone
I'm not sorry for what I've done
Just know all the pain you all have caused
Will come back to you someday
And then maybe you'll understand
Steel now fills the space where you could have been
If you would have opened your eyes
Leave it all behind
Cause being nowhere is better
than spending one more minute here
cold, forever cold.

Life was a cage and death is the key
Set me free.
I Bleed..............

11/12/99

Reflections on another year, or JC's birthday rant 1999

Taking a brief moment to pull another hit off of a cheap cigarette, what have I become over the past year, what life experiences have I learned? Well for one thing I've learned that love can hurt in ways one can never imagine. But no matter how badly it does hurt, causing pain in places you never even knew were there, you just can't turn away from it. Even after swearing off relationships for a while, I can't help but find myself drawn in by the possibility of love again. The hardest part isn't letting go, but rather moving on. Letting go is easy, just think of every evil thing your mind can imagine, then picture it happening to that person, its great therapy. Another thing is never let someone try to take you away from your friends, it's a hell of a lot lonelier after a big breakup when you have no one to turn to. I guess I finally can accept now it's never too late for a second chance, or to start over. Sometimes things don't go the way you planned, but if the road is meant to be traveled, you will find the way.

The toughest thing for me right now is believing in myself, as much as I try, I just don't sometimes. I can't believe that anyone can understand me for who I am. Not that I want people to understand every little detail, every little quirk, and flaw and accept it unconditionally, but rather accept me for who I am. It's hard for me to believe that I am worthy of love from someone, because I hold the concept of love so high that it almost makes it unattainable.

I've learned that a smile is worth more words than one could say in a lifetime. Sharing one brief moment with someone can make your entire past seem insignificant.

I'm just starting to figure out that it isn't always better to, as Dream Theater said, "Save the mystery" rather than "Surrender to the secret." In other words, sometimes the reality is better than the fantasy you build for yourself. And there's only one way to find out, actually go out and pursue it rather than sit Idly by and watch the world go around.

It's been a pretty big year for me, things didn't quite work out the way I expected, and given the opportunity, I would probably change a lot, but I'm still alive, and probably a lot better off than I was at this time last year.

Time for another cancer stick.

Note to self for 2000, things better be looking up by now, if they aren't get on the friggin ball!

JC

11/2/99

...All by myself, Time goes by...Remember.....

The mp3 of the month is Time Ago, by Black Lab, and It couldn't be a more appropriate song for this month, and this point in my life. �Download it, and give it a listen, it makes good mood music while reading this, and besides is just a great song. �As most of you could tell from previous Rants, posted below, i have been on a bit of a retrospective reflective mood recently. �I really don't know why, i guess things seemed easier then, as time goes by the answers get harder and harder to find. �...I couldn't stop you crying, stop myself from fighting, i've tried but never hard enough, don't you remember love? �i really don't know just how deep the scars still cut from everything that has happened to me in the last 10 years. �I remember moments of happiness undercut by pain, i guess that things try to balance themselves out. �I just don't know how fucked up this whole thing has really gotten me. �I guess the solution is to look to the future, and leave the past behind. �I don't have the answers to my life at all anymore. �But I guess that doesn't matter, I mean who really does. �I mean all of our lives are totally fucked up. �I just wish someone would tell me that I am not the only one. �I'm tired of just going through the motions. �But I can't let anyone in, because the consequences outweigh the benefits. �I could stay like this forever, and never be hurt again, but never live. �Call me a crybaby, call me a wimp, but wait until someone serves your whole life up to you on a platter. �wait till you give your all to someone and they deny you ever existed. �The sad thing is that i know i still have so much to give. �But i can't not now, they say love like it's never going to hurt, but love is hurt, not all of it, but a very big part of it. �And you can't have one without the other. �sooner or later someone is going to hurt you, and thats just life. �Where to go from here? �Four months have gone by since I quoted john lennon, How can i go forward when I don't know which way i'm facing? �I still don't know, I'm not any closer now than i was then. �So i'll smoke another cigarette, reflect a while, and fall asleep alone again. �There's one thing that keeps me positive, a vision of pure beauty. �So i'll keep my 2 step distance, and marvel over it another day, just like today, cause maybe the fantasy is better than the reality could ever be. �Maybe it's not rejection I'm scared of, but rather acceptance. �

OK on to other things, 2 great sappy movies I just saw, one of them mentioned before, 10 things I�hate about you. �Great date video rental, really sappy, romantic. �She's all that is the second in that category, same as before. �seeing as it's getting to be that time again, where it's cold, it's the perfect opprotunity to snuggle up with a loved one and watch a video. �And remember, don't take it for granted, cause you do miss it when it's gone.

Tori Amos has a beautiful voice. �Listen to "Winter", great season changing song. �very emotional, few vocalists have as much talent as she does. �most people just sing, she goes beyond that, and weaves a beautiful vocal tapestry, you don't listen to her music, you experience it.

the less I do, the more I smoke, I really should quit, but I guess it's like a crutch.

.....open up your eyes.........

JC

10/22/99

Okay I am drunk as a skunk right now god help me I hope the spellchecker works. �I'm feeling a little philisophical right now, so I hope you can consider the fact that I am drunk! �