The police officer approaches him and asks: "Have you been drinking
Sir?"
"No. Why?" asks the man, "Was I all over the road?"
"No" replies the Officer, "You were driving splendidly. It was the ugly fat bird in the passenger seat that made me suspicious."
The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy.
The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expected to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.
Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.
Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the language is disgrasful and it should go away.
By the 4th yer peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".
During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining"ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl.
Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.
Zen ve vil rul ze vorld!!!
"OK" says the girl, "I'll charge 20 an hour". "Ist gut, but I must varn you, I am a little kinky".
"No problem" she replies cautiously, "I can do a little kinky".
So off they go to the girl's flat, where the German produces four Large bedsprings and a duck caller.
"I vant you to tie ze springs to each of your limbs".
The girl finds this most odd, but complies, fastening the springs to her hands and knees.
Now you vill get on your hans und knees"
She duly does this, balancing on the springs.
"You vill please blow Zis vistle as I make love to you."
She finds this odd, but figures it's harmless, and the guy is paying. The sex is fantastic. She is
bounced all over the room by the energetic German all the time honking on the duck caller.
The climax is the most sensational that she has ever experienced,
and it is several minutes before she has recovered the breath to say:
"That was totally amazing, what do you call that?"
"Ah", says the German,"Four-sprung duck technique".
It has just been announced that Sir Paul McCartney is to purchase his wife, Heather, a plane for Christmas.
However, she will continue to use her Philips Ladyshave on her other leg.
There were 11 people hanging onto a rope that came down from a helicopter. Ten were men and one woman.
The rope was starting to fray so they all agreed that one person should let go because if they didn't, the rope would break and everyone would die.
No one could decide who should go so finally the woman gave a really touching speech, saying how she would give up her life to save theirs, because women were used to giving up things for their husbands and children, giving in to men, and that after all, men were the superior sex and must be saved.
When she finished speaking, all the men clapped.
Never underestimate the power of a woman.
