| This one is brilliant, even the ladies will like it? FOR FAR TOO LONG, MEN HAVE BEEN DIVIDED AND CONQUERED IN THE NAME OF EQUALITY, FEMMINISM AND A HOST OF TRENDY OTHER FADS. NO MORE -- MAN FIGHTS BACK TELL YOUR FRIENDS, THE 90's MAN IS DEAD - LONG LIVE THE MAN OF 2002 LISTEN UP LADIES, THIS IS HOW IT REALLY IS 1. IF YOU THINK YOU MIGHT BE FAT, YOU ARE. DON'T ASK US, JUST GET YOUR ARSE DOWN THE GYM 2. LEARN TO WORK THE TOILET SEAT, IF IT'S UP, PUT THE BLOODY THING DOWN 3. DON'T CUT YOUR HAIR-EVER. IT CAUSES UNNECESRY ARGUEMENTS WHEN WE DARE TO COMMENT ON IT 4. BIRTHDAYS, VALENTINES DAY AND ANNIVERSARIES ARE NOT QUESTS TO SEE IF WE CAN FIND THE PERFECT PRESENT-- AGAIN 5. SOMETIMES WE ARE NOT THINKING ABOUT YOU- - -LIVE WITH IT 6. SATURDAY == FOOTBALL, LET IT BE 7. SHOPPING IS NOT A SPORT 8. ANYTHING YOU WEAR IS FINE --- REALLY!!! 9. ASK FOR WHAT YOU WANT DIRECTLY, SUBTLE HINTS DON'T WORK 10. FACE IT, PISSING STANDING UP IS MORE DIFFICULT THAN FROM POINT BLANK RANGE, WE'RE BOUND TO MISS SOMETIMES 11. MOST BLOKES OWN 3 PAIRS OF SHOES, SO WHAT MAKES YOU THINK WE'D BE ANY GOOD AT CHOOSING WHICH PAIR OUT OF 30 WOULD LOOK GOD WITH THAT PARTICULAR DRESS 12. "YES", "NO" AND "Mmm" ARE PERFECTLY ACCEPTABLE ANSWERS 13. A HEADACHE WHICH LASTS 17 MONTHS IS A PROBLEM, SEE THE DOCTOR 14. YOUR MUM DOESN'T HAVE TO BE OUR BEST FRIEND 15. CHECK YOUR OIL, IT'S AN ESSENTIAL PART OF CAR MAINTENANCE 16. THE RELATIONSHIP IS NEVER GOING TO BE LIKE IT WAS THE FIRST 2 MONTHS WE WERE DATING 17. ANYTHING WE SAID 6 OR 8 MONTHS AGO, IS INADMISABLE IN ANY SUBSEQUENT ARGUEMENT 18. IT'S NOT THE DRESS THAT MAKES YOU LOOK FAT, IT'S ALL THE BLOODY CHOCOLATE YOU EAT 19. TELLING US THAT MODELS IN MEN'S MAGAZINES ARE AIR BRUSHED, MAKES YOU SOUND JEALOUS AND PETTY, AND IT'S CERTAINLY NOT GOING TO DETER US FROM READING THEM 20. THE MALE MODELS WITH THE GORGEOUS BODIES YOU SEE IN MAGAZINES ARE ALL GAY 21. IF SOMETHING WE SAID COULD BE INTERPRETED IN TWO WAYS AND ONE OF THESE UPSET YOU, WE MEANT THE OTHER ONE 22. LET US OGLE, IF WE DON'T LOOK AT OTHER WOMEN, HOW CAN WE TELL HOW PRETTY YOU ARE 23. WHENEVER POSSIBLE, PLEASE SAY WHATEVER YOU TO SAY DURING THE ADVERTS 24. WHEN WE ARE IN BED AND WE LOOK TIRED, WE ARE TIRED. IT DEFINATELY DOES NOT MEAN THAT WE WANT TO DISCUSS THE RELATIONSHIP 25. IF YOU WANT A DESSERT AFTER A MEAL -- HAVE ONE. YOU DON'T HAVE TO FINISH IT, YOU CAN JUST TASTE IT IF YOU LIKE. BUT DON'T SAY "NO I COULDN'T/SHOULDN'T/DON'T WANT ANY -- AND THEN EAT MOST OF MINE 26. DIETING DOESN'T WORK WITHOUT EXERCISE 27. IF YOU ARE ON A DIET, IT DOESN'Y MEAN THAT MY MEALS HAVE TO BE LIKE RABBIT FOOD AS WELL 28. A MAN'S 4 ESSENTIAL FOOD GROUPS ARE RED MEAT, WHITE MEAT, POTATOES AND BEER. PLEASE ENSURE ALL MEALS CONYAIN A GOOD BALANCE OF THE ABOVE, IN ACCEPTABLE QUANTITIES. EVERYTHING ELSE FALLS INTO THE CATAGORY OF GARNISH 29. DO NOT QUESTION OUR SENSE OF DIRECTION |
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| More to follow |
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| A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened. "Well, it was like this", said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows. We went to look for them, and while I was rooting around noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it--stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my big mistake." What did you do?" asks the doctor. "Well, I lifted the cow's tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!". I don't remember much after that. |
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