worhoose2c

One for Steve

A man is driving home from his office in Bristol city centre, and finds himself stuck in complete gridlock on the A38. he notices a policeman walking back and forth between the line of cars, so he rolls down his window and asks "Officer, what's the hold up".
The policeman replies, "It's a bristol Rovers fan. he's so depressed about evrything this season, and the prospect of being relegated to the Conference, he's threatening to douse himself in petrol and set himself alight...He says his family hates him, his City-supporting mates are all laughing at him, and he's never had a job. I'm walking around taking a collection for him."
"Oh really?" says the man. "How much have you got so far?"
"Only about 300 litres, but a lot of people are still siphoning!"

A study in London, showed that the kind of 'male face' a woman finds attractive, can differ depending where a woman is in her menstrual cycle. For instance, if she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged, masculine features. And if she is pre-menstrual, she is more prone to be attracted to a man with a heavy pair of scissors shoved in his forehead.

22 ways to get the sack

1.    Tell your boss, the resaon you are late was because you fancied a shag before work.
2.    Stumble back from lunch, 2 hours late, pissed as a fart chanting "TEQUILLA!
3.    Leave your CV up on the screen when you go to lunch.
4.    Wear your 'I love Robson & Gerome' t-shirt on your first day.
5.    Try and seduce the 16 year old work experience girl/boy.
6.    Fart out last nights vindaloo during an appraisal, and then turn round to sniff the seat.
7.    Photocopy your tits, and pin them on the noticeboard.
8.    Ask the chief Exec for some Rizla's.
9.    Start a fire in your bin, when the office girl refuses to turn down the air conditioning.
10. Keep a picture of Fred & Rose West on your desk.
11. Grow a cannabis plant on your desk.
12. Tell the boss you'll "Send the boys round" if they don't authorize your pay rise.
13. Admit you traded in your company car for a 2 week shag fest in Ibiza.
14. Ring up and say, "I won't be in today, I'm still wasted from last night."
15. Set up your own S&M dungeon in the stationary cupboard.
16. Bring a sleeping bag to work for those afternoon naps.
17. Pawn your computer coz your skint till pay day.
18. Spray "I can't be arsed" across your computer screen.
19. Start a one person Mexican wave everytime someone leaves their desk.

A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?"
She calls on little BILLY.
He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot".
The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking"
Then little BILLY says, "I have a question for YOU. there are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second one is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top. Which one is married?"
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, "Well, I suppose the one thats gobbled down the top and sucked the cone." To which BILLY replied,
"The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring', but I like your thinking"

Two old guys with Altzheimers, are sitting on a bench whe an ice cream van comes down the road.

"Do you want one?" asks the first guy

"Yes, I'll have a cone, but write it down or you'll forget". says the second

"No I wont" says the first.

"Look, I want a cone with a flake, and i know you'll forget, so write it down." says the second.

"I won't forget" says the first guy, getting slightly irritated.

"OK then, look-i want a cone, a flake and strawberry sauce. Now write it down or you WILL forget" says the second.

The first guy is gettin angry now, and still argues he won't forget.

The second guy says irritabaly, "I want a cone, a flake, strawbeery sauce and hundreds and thousands sprinkled all over. You won't remember all that so WRITE IT DOWN.

The first guy, now totaly p*ssed off, walks off and five minutes later comes back with a meat pie.

The second guy looks at him and say's, "I told you you'd forget, where's my f*cking chips?"

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