worhoose2a

The other day I was invited out for a 'night with the girls'
I told my husband I would be home by midnight, "I promise!"
Well the hours passed, and the wine was going down way too easy. Around 3am,
drunk as a skunk, I headed off home.
Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up, and cuckooed 3 times.
Quickly, realising he might wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was realy proud of
myself for coming up with with such a quick-witted solution (even when smashed), in
order to escape a confrontaion with him.
The following morning, my husband asked me what time I got in, and i told him
12 o'clock. He didin't seem disturbed at all. Whew!, got away with that one!
Then he said "we need a new cuckoo clock". When I asked him why, he said,
"Well last night, our clock cuckooed 3 times, said oh shit, cuckooed 4 more times,
cleared it's throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then
tripped over the cat and farted".

Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "you know, i know everyone there is to Know.
Name someone, anyone, and i know them".
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "ok Dave, how about Tom Cruise?".
"No worries boss, Tom and me are old friends, and I can prove it".
So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood, knock on Tom Cruises door, and sure
enough Tom Cruise shouts "Dave! whats happenin?, great to see you, come in for beer".
Although impressed, Dave's boss is still sceptical. After they leave Cruises house, he
tells him he thinks his knowing Tom Cruise was just lucky.
"No, no, just name someone else" Dave says
"President Bush" his boss replies quickly
"Yup", Dave says, "Old friends, lets fly out to Washington". And off they go.
At the White House, Bush spots Dave on the tour and beckons him and his boss over,
saying, "Dave, what a suprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your
friend come on in and have a cup of coffee first and catch up"
Well the boss is very shaken up by now, but still not totally convinced. After they leave
the Whit House he expresses hi doubts to Dave, who again asks him to name someone else.
"The Pope" he replies
"Sure" says Dave, "My folks are from Poland, and I've known the Pope a long time"
So off they fly to Rome. Dave and his boss are with the masses in Vatican square, when
dave says "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell
you what, I know all the guards, so just let me go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony
with the Pope". And he disappears in the crowd heading towards the vatican.
Sure enough, half an hour later, Dave emerges on the balcony with the Pope, but by the
time he returns he finds his boss has had a heart attack, and is surrounded by paramedics.
Getting to his bosses side, he asks "What happened?"
His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony,
then the guy next to me said, "Who's that on the balcony with Dave".

These should cover most people

1. What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW?
     A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

2. What's the best form of birth control after 50?
     Nudity

3. What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
     45 kilos.

4. What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
     45 minutes.

5. How many women does it take to change a light bulb?
     None, they just sit there in the dark and bitch.

6. What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
     Through his chest with a sharp knife.

7. Why are men and parking spaces alike?
     Because all the good ones are gone and the only ones left are disabled.

8. What have men and floor tiles got in common?
     If you lay them properly the first time, you can walk all over them for life.

9. Why do men want to marry virgins?
     They can't stand criticism.

10. Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring and good looking?
      Because those men already have boyfriends.

11. What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
      After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

12. What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
       The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

13. What is the biggest problem for an atheist?
       No one to talk to during orgasm.

14. What do you call a smart blonde?
       A golden retriever.

15. Why does the bride always wear white?
       Because it's good for the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator.