Much knowing and "begatting" later, Lamech begat a son, he was 182 at the time, "And he called his name Noah." Lamech died in his infancy, a mere lad of 777 years. Noah, when he was 500, begat three sons, Shem, Ham and Japheth."And it came to pass, when the men began to multiply on the face of the earth, and daughters were born unto them. That the sons of God saw the daughters of men that they were fair: and they took them wives of all which they chose." Hmmmm, woman was cloned from man, so man must also have been fair. The population of the world thus far then, was fair. No African Americans, Aboriginals, Maoris, Indians or Asians. I wonder where they came from? Flying saucers from another planet, perhaps? Also, interesting that men are sons of God, whereas women are mere daughters of men. What makes me think that it was a man who wrote that?
Genesis 6:1-2
"There were giants in the earth in those days." What! Giants! Where did they spring from? Don't tell me that they "evolved!" Excuse the expletive. 6: 4
"And God saw that the wickedness of man was great in the earth, and that every imagination of the thoughts of his heart was only evil continually. And the Lord said, I will destroy man whom I have created from the face of the earth; both man, and beast, and the creeping thing, and the fowls of the air; for it repenteth me that I have made them." 6: 5-7
Well you can't argue with that, all those damned air fowls, flying around in a constant state of evil.
"The earth also was corrupt before God, and the earth was filled with violence. And God looked upon the earth , and behold, it was corrupt; for all flesh had corrupted his way upon the earth. But Noah found grace in the eyes of the Lord." Roast lamb? "And God said unto Noah, The end of the flesh is come before me; for the earth is filled with violence through them: and behold I will destroy them with the earth." 6: 8-13
So God decides to put an end to violence by murdering everybody. Good thinking, Batman!
"Make an ark of gopher wood... the length shall be three hundred cubits, the breadth of it fifty cubits, and the height of it thirty cubits." We're talking about a tub the size of a football field. "A window shalt thou make to the ark..." A window! One lousy window. Fortunately for Noah, none of the animals wanted to breathe or fart, otherwise it could have become a tad stuffy on board. 6: 14-16
"And behold, I, even I, do bring a flood of waters upon the earth, to destroy all flesh... and every thing that is in the earth shall die. But with thee I will establish my covenant; and thou shalt come into the ark, thou and thy sons, and thy wife, and thy sons' wives with thee." 6:17-18
"Of every clean beast thou shalt take to thee by sevens, the male and his female: and of the beasts that are not clean, by two, the male and his female. Of fowls also of the air by sevens, the male and the female; to keep seed alive upon the face of the earth. For yet seven days and I will cause it to rain upon the earth forty days and forty nights; and every living substance that I have made will I destroy from the face of the earth." 7: 2-5
So God instructs Noah to lassoo, or otherwise capture and restrain, seven of every "clean" beast, and two of every "unclean" beast. Also seven of every bird. Which animals were clean and which were unclean is anybody's guess, but regardless, Noah, his wife and three boys went ernestly about collecting lions, tigers, elk, moose, reindeer, polar bears, duckbilled platypus, gorillas, hippos, rhinos, brontosaurus, Tyranosaurus Rex, Ferdinand the Bull, Rupert the Bear, plus millions of other mammals, reptiles, insects and birds.
The cheetahs led them on a merry chase, and the Taipans and Cobras caused some concern � Ham was swallowed by a Boa Constrictor but he emerged unscathed � and Skippy the kangaroo kicked Noah in the balls, but before you could say Jiminy Cricket they were cramming wildebeasts, elephants and giraffes into makeshift cages, and loading them aboard the ark, which wasn't even built yet. Wow, quite a challenge, but Noah had seven days to complete the task, so it wasn't too bad.
"And Noah did all according unto all that the Lord commanded him. And Noah was six hundred years old when the flood of waters was upon the earth." 7: 5
Into the ark goes Noah's family, plus billions of living creatures, plus enough food to keep everyone alive. Spam on toast, Spam and chips, Spam omlette, pickled Spam... grateful for small mercies I guess. The last one into the ark was Noah himself, a quick glance to left and right to see that none of the buffalo got left behind, "and the Lord shut him in." 7: 16
The Lord shut him in � chortle :) "Time to batten down the hatches, mind your head there lad, there ya go, let go fore and aft!"
Down came the rain, buckets and buckets of it. All the hills and mountains were soon underwater, including, apparently, Mount Everest, "And every living substance was destroyed... and the waters prevailed upon the earth an hundred and fifty days." That's one hundred and ten days longer than originally planned, but hey, if you're gunna drown the planet, may as well do the job properly. 7: 24
And the waters decreased continually until the tenth month... "and it came to pass at the end of forty days that Noah opened the window that he had made..." What! The stupid window had remained closed all that time! "And he sent forth a raven... Also he sent forth a dove... But the dove found no rest for the soul of her foot... And he stayed yet another seven days." So was it forty days, forty seven days, 150 days, ten months? Whatever, they were runnng low on Spam when the dove returned with an olive branch indicating that the waters were abating. 8: 3-11
How the olive tree, or any tree for that matter, survived underwater for that long isn't explained. Perhaps Noah put waterproof plastic bags, like giant condoms, over each tree while he was climbing them capturing monkeys, chimpanzees, apes and orang utans.
On the first day of January, in the year of 601, Noah peered out from beneath the taupaulin that covered the ark, and lo and behold, dry land! Yippeeeee! God instructs Noah to abandon the ark and release the animals. Everyone had a real good poop because there were no toilets on board and it was a long time between bowel movements.
"And Noah builded an altar unto the Lord: and took of every clean beast, and of every clean foul, and offered burnt offerings upon the altar." 7: 20
EVERY clean beast and fowl! That must have been some barbecue, countless millions of animals and birds being roasted at the same time! "And the Lord smelled a sweet savour..." I bet he did, this would have made Abel's offering of roast lamb seem like a token gesture. "and the Lord said in his heart, I will not again curse the ground for man's sake... neither again will I smite any more, everything living, as I have done." 7: 21
Now that was really big of God, from that moment on, when people pissed him off, he burned them to death rather than drown them.