The big Hebrew expansion gets under way, more knowing and begatting than you could point a stick at. Cities going up at an alarming rate, property prices going through the roof. Genesis 10: 1-32Everybody gets on famously, everyone speaks the same language, misunderstandings are minimal. "And the whole earth was of one language, and of one speech." 11:1
Shem's descendents decide to build a stairway to heaven out of bricks and 'slime.' "Go to, let us build us a city and a tower, whose top may reach unto heaven." More likely it was a primitive Leggo pyramid, with a skull and crossbones atop, fluttering in the breeze.
"And the Lord came down to see the city and the tower, which the children of men builded." God lowered himself down to earth because he had misplaced his spectacles and he couldn't focus properly from heaven. "And the Lord said, Behold, the people is one, and they have all one language... Let us go down and there confound their language, that they may not understand each other's speech. So the Lord scattered them abroad from thence upon the face of the earth... Therefore is the name of it called Babel; because the Lord did there confound the language of all the earth." 11: 5-9
What a miserable bunch of bastards. Once again, the Gods are fearful that mankind might acquire knowledge, and discover how the wizards and priests are manipulating them. To prevent this, they 'confound' their language. It's generally understood that God, or the gods, destroyed the Tower of Babel, although the bible doesn't say so. I think it's a fair bet though, you can easily imagine God and his divine thugs flattening smaller kids' sandcastles.
Had everyone been left speaking the same language, imagine the harmony. There would have been fewer misunderstandings, fewer wars, and less blood spilled. God couldn't stand the thought of people living in peace and harmony, so he 'confounded' their language. At first glance it doesn't make sense, but see it from the point of view of evil deities whose only distraction from the boredom of heaven is to play real life war games with humans.
The tower people disperse and get back to doing what they do best � knowing and begatting. Abram is born, as well as his brother, Haran, and his half sister Sarai. Some clicks later, God says to Abram, "Get thee out of thy country... and I will make of thee a great nation." So aged 75, Abram, his wife Sarai, and his nephew Lot, pack their bags and meander into Egypt. 12: 1-2
On their arrival, Abram turns to Sarai and says, Hey babe, beneath the wrinkles you're one hot chick, if those Gypos release that you're my wife, they'll kill me to get to you. So what say we pretend that you're just my sister? "Say, I pray thee, thou art my sister, that it may be well for me for thy sake; and my soul shall live because of thee." 12: 13
Sarai went along with the wheeze, and when the Pharaoh of Egypt wanted to poke the goods, Abram happily surrendered his wife. He conned her into a life of prostitution. "And the woman was taken to Pharaoh's house, and he entreated Abram well for her sake; and he had sheep and oxen, and he asses, and menservants and maidservants, and she asses, and camels." 12:14-16
Damned good trade-off, if you ask me, Abe swops his wrinkly old bag for a virtual Kenya National Park, plus he gets slaves to shovel up the droppings!
(The word "doulos" is mistranslated in the King James Bible. "Servant" means "slave", a point we shall prove shortly.)
Abram is well pleased, but God is not amused. To punish Pharaoh for being misled by Abram, God sends a plague to murder countless innocent Egyptians. "And the Lord plagued Pharaoh and his house with great plagues because of Sarai, Abrams wife. And Pharaoh called Abram, and said, what is it that thou hast done unto me? Why didst thou not tell me that she was they wife? Take her, and go thy way." 12: 17-20
"And Abram went up out of Egypt, he, and his wife, and all that he had, and Lot with him, into the south. And Abram was very rich in cattle, in silver, and in gold." 13: 1-2
As we progress further into this murky tale, you'll learn that liars are condemned to hell. Here we have Abram, the founder of God's "chosen race"; he is a liar, a coward and a pimp. A man with no principles, morals, scruples or ethics. A gutless slimey sleazebag.
Abram and Lot, plus the haggered Sara, leave Egypt and pitch their tents at some point south. The two men fall out, "And the land was not able to bear them, that they might dwell together." This here town ain't big enough for the two of us, drawls Abe. "And Abram said unto Lot, Let there be no strife... Is not the whole land before thee? Separate thyself from me..." 13 3-12
Lot heads for Jordon while Abe heads for Canaan. Upon his arrival in Jordon, close to the city of Sodom, Lot notices that the locals are a rum lot. "But the men of Sodom were wicked, and sinners before the Lord exceedingly." 13: 13
The Lord drops by to visit Abram, G'day Abe, he says, who's rootin' your wife these days? I sure showed those Gypos a thing or two, they're still dying in their thousands of the plague, Ha! Meanwhile, look north, south east and west. You see all that land? For being such an evil, disgusting lump of maggot shit, it's yours buddy!
(Contained in those three verses are the seeds for thousands of years of conflict between Jews and non Jews. Conflict which may culminate in a nuclear exchange and the destruction of this planet.)
Meanwhile, war beaks out between several rulers in the region. The kings of Sodom and Gomorrah make a dash for it, taking with them the wealth of the cities, and capturing Abram's nephew, Lot. "And they took Lot, Abram's brother's son." Abram gives chase with his slave army, "and smote them... And he brought back all the goods, and also brought again his brother Lot." 14: 11-16
Religionists assure me that there are no errors in the Bible, so we must assume that Lot was miraculously promoted from nephew to brother.
(Lot is Haran's son. Haran is Abram's brother.) 11:31,12:5
God is well pleased with Abram for his role in the slaughter of the baddies. "The Lord came to Abram in a vision, saying, Fear not Abram, I am thy shield, and thy exceedingly great reward. And Abram said, Lord, God, what wilt thou give me, seeing as I go childless?"
Abram is pissed off that his wife Sarai is barren. He desperately needs an heir to leave all his ill gotten gains to. "And Abram said, Behold, to me thou hast given no seed: and lo, one born in my house is mine heir." Is Abe referring to Lot here? No one really knows. "And behold, the word of the Lord came unto him, saying, This shall not be thine heir; but he that shall come forth out of thine own bowels shall be thine heir." 15: 1-4
Abe turns to God and says, Give me a break, I finally got rid of that little shit, Lot, and now you tell me I'm going to give birth to a baby through my arsehole!