"And Adam knew Eve, his wife, (Las Vegas wedding), and she conceived, and bare Cain, and said, I have gotten a man from the Lord. And she again bare his brother Abel, and Abel was a keeper of sheep, but Cain was a tiller of the ground."Genesis 4:1-2
So far so good. Everything was jogging along nicely, when Cain took pity on God, thought he looked a bit hungry, and offered him some carrots. Or it may have been brussel sprouts, no one really knows. All it says is, that Cain offered God the "fruit of the ground." Could have been a turnip, for all we know.
Genesis 4: 3
Abel, on the other hand, knowing that God appreciated a good English dinner, roast lamb, Yorkshire pudding, the whole bit, offered God a side of fatty lamb, "the firstlings of the flock and the fat thereof." Well, as you can imagine, God licked his divine lips and got stuck in. Can you just see God with gravy trickling down his chin, children? But he was not impressed with Cain's mouldy vegetables, and he told him so in no uncertain terms. "Get thee behind me Satan..." Oh, sorry, I'm jumping the gun.
Turns out, God had no respect for Cain's offering, but he was mightily impressed with Abel's roast lamb, gravy, mint sauce � yummy, Abel had thought of everything. Cain was fuming, steam coming out his ears, so he picked up a stone mallet and slew his brother, crushed his skull to a pulp, as you would.
Genesis 4: 3-8
A while later, God notices that Abel wasn't tending his sheep, they're wandering around, here, there, and everywhere, caked in poo poos, "Hey Cain," yelled God, "Where's that brother of yours?" "How the hell would I know," replied Cain, "am I my brother's keeper?"
But God wasn't fooled. He was a very shrewd God, with excellent hearing, and he heard Abel's blood throwing a wobbly. "The voice of thy brother's blood crieth unto me from the ground," said God. It was high octave blood, and in a flash, God figures out what's happened. "Now art thy cursed from the earth... a vagabond shalt thou be in the earth."
Genesis 4: 9-12
And Cain said unto the Lord, "My punishment is more than I can bear... it shall come to pass that every one that findeth me shall slay me." No wonder Cain was worried, it's bad enough being slain by one person, but being slain by everyone was pretty damned serious.
Genesis 4: 13-14
For some inexplicable reason, perhaps because Cain gave good head of cabbage, God decides to protect him from harm. "And the Lord said unto him, Therefore, whoever slayeth Cain, vengeance shall be taken on him sevenfold. And the Lord set a mark upon Cain, lest any finding him should kill him."
Genesis 4: 15
So contrary to what everyone thinks, the mark of Cain was a good thing to have. It was better than a bumper sticker, saying, "You toucha my car, I smasha your face!" This was God talking!
Cain wandered off, and ended up in the land of Nod, just east of Eden. "And Cain knew his wife..." Shut your eyes children, you mustn't read this bit, because Cain did naughty things with his mummy. Eve was the only woman on earth at the time, so for Cain to produce babies, he had to have sex with his own mom. He went right ahead and stuck his pee pee into her ho ho.
Or if Eve had produced some secret offspring, Cain did the deed with his sister. Whichever way you look at it, Cain was a very naughty man. He was lucky he didn't get twelve years in Wandsworth prison. Anyway, baby Enoch was the result of this incestuous coupling, and Cain "builded a city" for him. Not a village, or a hamlet, or even a town, but a city. Enoch was a big baby and he needed lots of space.
Genesis 4: 17
From this point on, the gloves were off. And so were the condoms. Eveybody started "knowing" everybody, and before you knew it the earth was pretty well "replenshed." Sprogs everywhere.
Lamech, Cain's great, great, great grandson, murdered some poor bugger, and he announced to his wives, yes plural, "Hearken unto my speech, for I have slain a man... If Cain shall be avenged sevenfold, truly Lamech seventy and sevenfold." In his own humble opinion, Lamech considered himself to be eleven times as important as his great, great, great grandfather. And who are we to say? He may well have been.
Genesis 4: 18-24
On his eight hundredth birthday, or thereabouts, Adam impregnates Eve again, and Seth is born. Finally Adam dies at age eight hundred and thirty. Not a bad life, lots of "knowing", the odd disappointment, but with his dying breath Adam said, "Mustn't grumble..." And with that he expired.
Genesis 5: 3