In the beginning, God made the heavens and the earth. Well, actually the early manuscripts use the word "Elohim," which is plural, it means "Gods". The Gods created the heavens and the earth. But we'll stick to the traditional, incorrect, translation. God planted trees and bushes and everything grew wonderfully well, including goosberries, which was really surprising considering there was no sun. Then, late one evening, God remembered that he had forgotten to create the sun, so he got to work, real hard, and on the fourth day he knocked together a sun, plus a moon, and as an after-thought, a billion trillion stars and other galaxies. He worked up quite a sweat during those last few minutes.Genesis 1:1-19
God filled the sea with fishes, and from the sea, God created fowls and birds and everything that flew, just like those naughty evolutionists say he did. Birds from the sea? That's what they say. Next God created man and woman, together, simultaneously. "Let us create man and woman in our image, after our likeness:" sayeth God. God turned to his latest creatures, who were a little bit wobbly on their feet, "Hey guys," prompted God, "get stuck into each other, and replenish the earth." Presumably then, the earth had been 'plenished' before, and God was just topping it up.
Genesis 1: 20, 26-28
It was the end of the sixth day. "And God saw everything that he had made, and, behold, it was very good..." The malaria carrying mosquitoes were exceptionally good, God was well chuffed with those, and those little worms in Africa that burrow into children's eyes - far out and groovy!
Genesis 1: 31
On the seventh day, which was a Wednesday, God took a rest. He was really, really tired. All that creating had got the better of him. Yes it must have been a Wednesday because he created the sun on the fourth day (Genesis 1: 18-19.) Fourth day Sunday, fifth day Monday, sixth day Tuesday, seventh day Wednesday. A lot of people get that wrong.
Genesis 2: 1-2
The original man and woman must have been cannibals, and they ate each other, or perhaps they fell down a hole, because God had to start afresh. God made the second man out of dust, and blew into his nostrils to get his lungs pumping. It worked... yippeeee! Then God planted some 'pleasant' trees, the first bunch had been pretty ugly and misshapen, apparently. God plonked Man amongst them, in a spot just east of Eden.
Genesis 2: 7-9
God turned to Man, "OK pal, welcome to Earth, and to the Garden of Eden." "Thanks for having me," replied Adam. "No worries," said God. Now, you can eat anything you like, but you see that tree over there, just there, behind the dunny? That's the Tree of Knowledge. You must not eat the fruit from that tree or I'll be really pissed off." "OK," said Adam, "that's cool."
Genesis 2:17
Everything was sweet to begin with, but Man got lonely. God offered him all manner of friendly gorillas and orang utans to mate with, but Adam, as he came to be known, was not a happy camper. He wanted something resembling a human. So God removed one of Adam's ribs and cloned a woman from it. She was called Eve, and boy, was she hot stuff! Great set of teeth. Adam was well pleased.
Genesis 2: 19-22
But later in the day, a friendly snake slithered up to Eve and said, "Hey babe, munch on this!" The snake pointed at the fruit on the Tree of Knowledge.
"Oh no," said Eve, "God told us we mustn't touch that fruit." The snake shook his head, "Don't be a wuss, what's one little apple between friends? Go on, take a bite." So Eve picked an apple, or it may have been a pear, no one really knows. "Hey, not bad," said Eve." "Told you so," responded the snake. Eve called Adam, "Hey Adam, over here honey chil', get a mouthful of this." Adam took a bite. "Wow, sure beats those hairy goosberries."
Genesis 3: 1-6
God was taking a stroll around the Garden of Eden, breaking in his new Reebocks, when he decided to check up on his two people. "Yoo hoo," said God, "Adam... Eve... where are you?" Adam and Eve were standing in the garden with no clothes on, and they were embarrased, which made God suspicious. "Ah so there you are. Have you been eating the fruit from the Tree of Knowledge?"
Genesis 3: 9-11
"Only one bite, fer krists sake," said Adam. God was very angry, in fact, he was ropeable. "I told you not to touch that!" yelled God.
"It's all her fault!," squealed Adam, pointing at Eve, "f..cking smack her round the face!"
"But the snake said it would be OK," protested Eve. "I don't give a stuff what the snake said," bellowed God. Turning to the snake, who was trying to make a quick exit through the waste disposal unit, God screamed, "This is all your fault. From now on you will crawl on your belly everywhere you go!" God chopped the snake off at the knees, just kicked the crutches from under him. "Eat dust, you slimey serpent, you!"
To Eve he said, "You, my girl, will suffer painful childbirth for the rest of your life, and so will every other woman from this point on. Furthermore, you will remain faithful to your husband, not to the snake, you must end this affair. Your huband will rule over you."
Adam thought, "Hey, cool man," but God was not amused. God turned to Adam, "I'm very disappointed in you. From this point on you will eat vegetables, especially broccoli, thorny broccoli at that! And you will eat herbs! And you will eat bread while you sweat!"
Secretly Adam thought, "You are one weird f..cker," but to God's face, Adam said, "Yo man, I dig it."
Genesis 3: 8-19
God turned to the other Gods and said, "Behold, the man is become one of us, to know good and evil..." "Whoaaa... said the other Gods, we can't have that, kick the buggers out!"
So God drove Adam and Eve from the Garden of Eden, and placed cherubins, sort of divine garden gnomes, at the entrance to the garden to keep them from returning. He gave the cherubins flaming swords, saying, "If those two trouble makers return, chop off their tits! Or perhaps it was their heads, no one really knows."
Genesis 3: 22-24