Insanity/Sanity/Mental Faculties"Insanity runs in my family. It practically gallops."
"You wanna get nuts?! Let's get nuts!"
"Have you ever danced with the Devil in the pale moonlight?"
"The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you."
"Hello! I can't find my head!"
"I'm paranoid about everything. On my stationary bicycle I have a rearview mirror."
"I moved to New York City for my health. I'm paranoid and New York was the only place where my fears were justified."
Insignificance"Ilsa, I'm no good at being noble, but it doesn't take much to see that the problems of three little people don't amount to a hill of beans in this crazy world."
"Man makes a great fuss about this planet, which is only a ball bearing in the hub of the universe."
Intimidation"From now on, when I say, 'suck my dick,' you say, 'you want me to lick your balls, daddy?'"
"EXTREMELY SERIOUS WARNING...: Unless you are as smart as Johann Karl Friedrich Gauss, savvy as a half-blind Calcutta bootblack, tough as General William Tecumseh Sherman,
rich as the Queen of England, emotionally resilient as a Red Sox fan, and as generally able to take care of yourself as the average nuclear missile submarine commander,
you should never have been allowed near this document. Please dispose of it as you would any piece of high-level radioactive waste and than arrange with a qualified surgeon to
amputate your arms at the elbows and gouge your eyes from their sockets. This warning is necessary because once, a hundred years ago a little old lady in Kentucky put a hundred
dollars into a dry-goods company which went belly-up and only returned her ninety-nine dollars. Ever since then the government, has been on our asses. If you ignore this warning,
read on at your peril - you are dead certain to lose everything you've got and live out your final decades beating back waves of termites in a Mississippi Delta leper colony.
Irony"I am afraid that all irony has become tedious and depressing to me."
"The virus of irony is as widespread in California as herpes, and once you're infected with it, it lives in your brain forever. A man like Prag can come home, throw away his Nikes,
and pray to Mecca five times a day, but he can never eradicate it from his system."
"Irony is when you buy a suit with two pairs of pants, and then burn a hole in the coat."
Lateness"I have noticed that the people who are late are often so much jollier than the people who have to wait for them."
Lawyers"I'm a lawyer, you're a jerk. There's bound to be some overlap."
Leadership"No man will make a great leader who wants to do it all himself or get all the credit for doing it."
Life"Life is a banquet and most poor suckers are starving to death."
"Life is like a B-movie. You don't want to leave in the middle of it, but you don't want to see it again."
"You're only here for a short visit. Dont hurry. Don't worry. And be sure to smell the flowers along the way."
"Half of our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.
"Life may have no meaning. Or even worse, it may have a meaning of which I disapprove."
Love/Relationships"Relationships are hard. It's like a full-time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks notice.
There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp."
"I'm sorry, Peter, I guess I'm just going through a phase where I'm only attracted to handsome men."
Det. Ed Green: You're so cynical about love, Lennie.
"Stop makin' noises like a husband"
"I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've already experienced pain and bought jewelry."
"True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked."
"We may not return the affection of those who like us, but we always respect their good judgement."
"Marriage is like twirling a baton, turning handsprings, or eating chopsticks. It looks easy until you try it."
"You never see a man walking down the street with a woman who has a little potbelly and a bald spot."
"Two of the hardest words in the English language to rhyme are life and love - of all words."
Memory"The advantage of having a bad memory is that, several times over, one enjoys the same good things for the first time."
Money"If you owe your bank a hundred pounds, you have a problem; but if you owe your bank a million, it has."
"When people ask me if I have any spare change, I tell them I have it at home in my spare wallet."
Muscles"It takes forty-two muscles to frown, but it only takes four to extend my middle finger and say, 'bite me.'"
"I couldn't puncture my colon with my penis if I stretched it over a drum and had a running start."
Music"Harpists spend about ninety percent of their lives tuning their harps and ten percent playing out of tune."
News"It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day just exactly fits the newspaper."
Opinions"He was so narrow-minded, he could see through a keyhole with both eyes."
"Your assumptions are your windows on the world. Scrub them off every once in a while, or the light won't come in.
"You can't always go by expert opinion. A turkey, if you ask a turkey should be stuffed with grasshoppers, grit and worms."
Optimism"The average pencil is seven inches long, with just a half-inch eraser - in case you thought optimism was dead."
"Optimism is a cheerful frame of mind that enables a teakettle to sing though in hot water up to its nose."
Parenting"I figure when my husband comes home from work, if the kids are still alive, then I've done my job."
PeoplePolitics/Politicians"The only things in the middle of the road are yellow lines and dead armadillos."
"One reason George Washington is held in such veneration: He never blamed his problems on the former administration.
"A diplomat's life is made up of three ingredients: protocol, Geritol, and alcohol."
"I asked each senator about his preferences for the Presidency, and ninety-six senators each received one vote."
"Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks."
"I have left orders to be awakened any time in case of a National Emergency, even if I'm in a Cabinet meeting."
"Finishing second in the Olympics gets you silver. Finishing second in politics gets you oblivion."
Poverty"We were so poor we had no hot water but it didn't matter because we had no bathtub to put it in anyway."
Psychology"Sometimes the best way to convince someone he is wrong is to let him have his way."
Pyjamas"One morning I shot an elephant in my pyjamas. How he got in my pyjamas, I don't know."
Reality TV"I have come up with a sure-fire concept for a hit TV show, which would be called, 'A Live Celebrity Gets Eaten by a Shark.'"
I don't know what's wrong with my television set, I was getting C-SPAN and the Home Shopping Network on the same station. I actually bought a congressman."
Remembrance"Play it, Sam. Play 'As Time Goes By.'"
"We'll always have Paris."
Safety"I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.
Sex/IntimacySchool/Education"How do you explain school to a higher intelligence?"
H.L. Mencken's Law:
"Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
"Even more exasperating than the guy who thinks he knows it all is the one who really does."
"I'm a philosophy major. That means I can think deep thoughts about being unemployed."
"I went to a high school that was so dangerous, the school newspaper had an obituary column."
Shaving"Of the Seven Dwarfs, only Dopey had a shaven face. This should tell us something about the custom of shaving."
ShakespeareI thought I'd begin by reading a poem by Shakespeare, but then I thought, why should I? He never reads any of mine."
Sin"Guilt and sin are only a fear of the past."
Slavery"Whenever I hear anyone arguing for slavery, I feel a strong impulse to see it tried on him personally."
SportsThe depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall." ----Mitch Hedberg Society"This will never be a civilized country until we spend more money for books than we do chewing gum."
"There's so much plastic in this culture that vinyl leopard skin is becoming an endangered synthetic."
"It's strange how few of the world's great problems are solved by people who remember their algebra."
"History teaches us that men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all other alternatives."
"Only one person in a thousand is a bore, and he is interesting because he is one person in a thousand."
"The trouble with most of us is that we would rather be ruined by praised than saved by criticism."
"Another flaw in the human character is that everybody wants to build and nobody wants to do maintenance."
Stress"Stress - the confusion of the mind when the body suppresses the natural urge to strangle the living shit out of someone who desperately deserves it."
Success"The fastest way to succeed is to look as if you are playing by other people's rules, while quietly playing by your own."
Tax/Taxation"I have the perfect simplified tax form for the government. Why don't they just print our money with a return address on it."
Technology"Computers will never replace the wastebasket when it comes to streamlining office work."
Thinking/Thought"Did you cut yourself shaving, or were you just thinking too hard?"
"Ideas are like rabbits. You get a couple and learn how to handle them, and pretty soon you have a dozen."
Time"Half of our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save."
Travel/Tourism"Thanks to the Interstate Highway System, it is now possible to travel from coast to coast without seeing anything."
"The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage."
"A straight line can be the shortest distance between two points, but it is by no means the most interesting."
"A tourist is a fellow who drives thousands of miles so he can be photographed standing in front of his car."
"There is nothing more miserable in the world than to arrive in paradise and look like your passport photo."
Trust"My neighbor asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden."
Uniqueness"Only one person in a thousand is a bore, and he is interesting because he is one person in a thousand."
Vacations/Vacationing"A family vacation is one where you arrive with five bags, four kids and seven I-thought-you-packed-its."
Vague Specific"I'll meet you at the place near the thing where we met that time."
Virtues"Patience is something you admire in the driver behind you, and scorn in the one ahead."
"All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is self-evident."
"Lots of people think they're charitable if they give away their old clothes and things they don't want."
"Self-discipline is when your conscience tells you to do something and you don't talk back."
"I learned to put the toilet seat down. It makes you look like a warm, caring, sensitive human being."
"Tact is the rare ability to keep silent while two friends are arguing and you know both of them are wrong."
"Common sense is the most evenly distributed quantity in the world. Everyone thinks he has enough."
"People who have no weaknesses are terrible; there is no way of taking advantage of them."
"The key to everything is patience. You get the chicken by watching the egg, not by smashing it."
"I'll give you an idea of what kind of guy he was. Saint Francis would have punched him in the mouth."
Voting"Ask a man which way he is going to vote, and he will probably tell you. Ask him, however, why, and vagueness is all.
WarWealth"Will the people in the cheaper seats clap your hands? All the rest of you, if you'll just rattle your jewelry."
Wisdom"Wisdom eventually comes to all of us. Someday it might even be your turn."
Women"I'm sorry, but I don't trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn't die."
"Okay, so God made man first, but doesn't everyone make a rough draft before they make a masterpiece?"
Working"I'm a doctor, Jim, not a scientist!"
"Asking a working writer what he thinks about critics is like asking a lamppost how it feels about dogs."
"Hard work and a proper frame of mind prepare you for the lucky breaks that finally come along - or don't."
"If you don't want to work, you have to work to earn enough money so that you won't have to work."
Writers/Writing"Writers have a rare power not given to anyone else; we can bore people long after we are dead."
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