Acting"One of my chief regrets during my years in the theatre is that I couldn't sit in the audience and watch me."
"Disney, of course, has the best casting. If he doesn't like an actor, he simply tears him up."
Afterlife"There is nothing more miserable in the world than to arrive in paradise and look like your passport photo."
Aging/Stages of Life"Middle Age: when you're home on a Saturday night, the telephone rings, and you hope it's the wrong number."
"If you live to the age of a hundred you have it made because very few people die past the age of a hundred."
"Adults are always asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up - 'cause they're looking for ideas.
"Midlife crisis is that moment when you realize your children and your clothes are about the same age."
"Middle age is the awkward period when Father Time starts catching up with Mother Nature."
"As a teenager, I was more of an anarchist, but now I want people to thrive and be harmonious."
"The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume knob also turns to the left."
"Age does not depend upon years, but upon temperament and health. Some men are born old, and some never grow up."
"There's one thing about children - they never go around showing snapshots of their grandparents."
Ambition"If we can gain something by being honest, we will be it, and if we have to deceive, we will be cheats."
"When you reach for the stars, you may not quite get one, but you won't come up with a handful of mud either."
America/Patriotism"America is a nation full of good fortune, with so much to be grateful for. But we are not spared from suffering. Ine every generation, the world has produced enemies of human freedom.
They have attacked America, because we are freedom's home and defender. And the committment of our Fathers is now the calling of our time."
"Just three days removed from these events, Americans do not yet have the distance of history. But our responsibility to history is already clear: to answer these attacks and rid the world of evil."
"The resolve of our great nation is being tested. But make no mistake: we will show the world that we will pass this test."
"We who officially value freedom of speech above life itself seem to have nothing to talk about but the weather."
"Never brag about your ancestors coming over on the Mayflower. The immigration laws weren't as strict in those days."
Architecture"A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines."
Astrology"Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 21) - You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You will achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. Most Scorpio people are murdered."
Atlantic City"Yes, it used to be beautiful - what with the rackets, whoring, guns."
Beauty"Sometimes there's so much beauty in the world I feel like I can't take it, like my heart's going to cave in."
"I'm tired of all this nonsense about beauty being only skin deep. That's deep enough. What do you want, an adorable pancreas?"
Birds"Why do birds sing in the morning? It's the triumphant shout: 'We got through another night.'"
Bodily Functions"Never hold in your farts. They travel up your spine and enter your brain and that's where shitty ideas come from."
"Bashful kidney is your body's way of tellingyou that you're thinking too hard, that you need to get off the campus and go get a fucking job."
Bores/Boring/Bored"A bore is a man who spends so much time talking about himself that you can't talk about yourself."
Bribery"It was going all wrong at my college interview until I nonchalantly asked, 'Do you need any large donations for new buildings?'"
Britain/The British"In general, he doesn't know what to make of the Brits because they appear (in his personal observation) to be the only other people on the face of the earth, besides Americans,
who possess a sense of humor."
Business"Anyone who says businessmen deal in facts, not fiction, has never read old five-years projections."
Character"My initial response was to sue her for defamation of character, but then I realized that I had no character."
ChristianityLois Griffin: He just walked right over the edge.
Communication"What we've got here is a failure to communicate
"My job is to talk to you, and your job is to listen. If you finish first, please let me know."
"Don't knock the weather; nine tenths of the people couldn't start a conversation if it didn't change once in a while."
"A good listener is not someone with nothing to say. A good listener is a good talker with a sore throat."
"A compromise is the art of dividing a cake in such a way that everyone believes he has the biggest piece.
"Since I've become a central banker, I've learned to mumble with great coherence."
"This is a free country. Folks have a right to send me letters, and I have a right not to read them."
"Speak when you are angry and you will make he best speech you wil ever regret."
Communism"The first time I went to an American restaurant, they asked, 'How many are in your party?' I said, 'Two million.'"
Computers"Computers will never replace the wastebasket when it comes to streamlining office work."
"The real danger is not that computers will begin to think like men, but that men will begin to think like computers."
Cooking"What my mother believed about cooking is that if you worked hard and prospered, someone else would do it for you."
Creativity/Imagination"Imagination is a good horse to carry you over the ground - not a flying carpet to set you free from probability."
"Creativity is allowing oneself to make mistakes. Art is knowing which ones to keep."
Crime and PunishmentCriticism"The trouble with most of us is that we would rather be ruined by praise than saved by criticism."
Days of the Week"Sunday mornings at the Pentagon, can't ya just feel the love?"
Death/Dying"They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days."
"It wasn't the eighteen floors from the window to the street that killed her, it was the sudden stop."
"It's worse than that, he's dead, Jim!"
Dining/Eating"I went to a restaurant that serves breakfast at any time. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaisance."
Doctors"A Doctor's reputation is made by the number of eminent men who die under his care."
"My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldn't pay the bill he gave me six months more."
Dogs"Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives."
Dragons"Mess not in the affairs of dragons, for you are crispy and taste good with ketchup.
Drug Use"Looks like I picked the wrong week to stop sniffing glue."
"Drugs are bad, because if you do drugs, you're a hippie, and hippies suck."
"Don't you know that drugs kill and I kill drug dealers?"
Duct Tap"Duct tape is like the Force: it has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the world together."
Economists/The Economy"An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen."
"Isn't it strange? The same people who laugh at gypsy fortune tellers take economists seriously.
Engineering"One has to look out for engineers - they begin with sewing machines and end up with the atomic bomb."
Entertainment/Entertainment Industry"Why should people go out and pay to see bad movies when they can stay at home and see bad television for nothing?"
"People have been asking me since my show is going off, will it be the end of the sit-com? I want to say...yes. But further, it's the end of
laughing...followed by the end of smiling."
"Watching a guy on Tv watching TV, now that's good TV."
"Hollywood's a place where they'll pay you a thousand dollars for a kiss, and fifty cents for your soul."
"The longest word in the English language is one that follows the phrase, 'And now a word our sponsor.'"
"In Hollywood, an equitable divorce settlement means each party getting fifty percent of the publicity."
"They are doing away with drive-ins. Now where are the teenagers going to go to not watch a movie?"
Escape"Kid, next time I say, 'Let's go some place like Bolivia,' let's go some place like Bolivia."
Excitement"Fasten your seatbelts. It's going to be a bumpy night."
Exercise"The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you're not in shape for it, it's too far to walk back."
FameArthur Bach: I'm going to take a bath.
Family"After being on the road so much I want to spend time with my family, who I hear are wonderful people."
"The best way to keep children home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant - and let the air out of the tires.
"Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing."
Fashion"They should put expiration dates on clothes so we would know when they go out of style."
Fiction"Fiction is like a spider's web, attached ever so slightly perhaps, but still attached to life at all four corners."
Foreign Affairs"Bill Clinton's foreign policy experience stems mainly from having breakfast at the International House of Pancakes."
France/The FrenchFreedom"They may take away our lives, but they'll never take our freedom."
"Freedom is not something to be secured in any one moment of time. We must struggle to preserve it every day. And freedom is never more than one generation away
extinction.
FriendshipLouis, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship."
"A friend is someone with whom I may be sincere. Before him, I may think out loud."
FruitLime 1: Oh, the humanity!
Future"I want a road map. I would like at least a good idea of where the hell we're going."
"It is the business of the future to be dangerous"
Games"Children are the most desirable opponents at Scrabble as they are both easy to beat and fun to cheat."
Generations"Always be nice to those younger than you, because the y are the ones who wil be writing about you."
God"Only God can make random selections."
"I think it pisses God off when you walk by the color purple in a field and don't notice it."
"I love God! He's so deliciously evil!"
"'I know you're expecting me to ask for morphine, but I'm not gonna,' Shaftoe says. 'I just want to talk.' 'Oh,' Root says. 'Should I put on my chaplain hat, then?'
'I'm a fucking Protestant. I can talk to God myself whenever I goddamn well feel like it.'"
"This is what I get for messing with super-science. In short, I pissed in God's eye, and he blinked."
Alvarez Kelly: Who are you, God?
Golf"The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not be caught dead in otherwise."
Goodbyes"Here's looking at you, kid."
"It is seldom that one parts on good terms, because if one were on good terms one would not part."
Grammar"The older I grow, the less important the comma becomes. Let the reader catch his own breath."
Health"You know how they say you can't live without love? Well, oxygen's even more important."
"Looking at the sun through a telescope is a very bad idea."
"I've gained a few pounds around the middle. The only lower body garments I own that still fit me comfortably are towels."
"Even overweight cats instictively know the cardinal rule: when fat, arrange yourself in slim poses."
History"History teaches us that men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all other alternatives."
Holidays"I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, 'Toys not included.'"
Immortality"Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon."
Inner Strength"Never give in. Never, never, never, never! Never yield in any way, great or small, except to convictions of honour and good sense. Never yield to force and the apparently overwhelming might of the enemy."
"Know yourself. Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.
"If I am an angel, paint me with black wings."
"Right. Since the day I was born and until I die, you disgustion little wretch, the only side I'm on is my own."
"I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific."
"The man who is a pessimist before 48 knows too much; if he is an optimist after it, he knows too little."
"New York City now leads the worlds's greatest cities in the number of people around whom you shouldn't make a sudden move."
"My initial response was to sue her for defamation of character, but then I realized that I had no character."
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