| 7-23-05 11:30 PM Dad almost reached my limit tonight. I draw the line at banning anime from the house. I will not stand for that. He seems to think anime is evil or something. I look at it like this, when Elivis Preseley and Rock n Roll first appeared, adults hailed it as demonspawn, claiming that it was destructive and evil. Many parents banned their kids from watching and listening to it. There was and still is really nothing wrong with it, the adults where just steryotyped against something they didn't understand. Of course religion may have something to do with it. So I've been thinking about how much I want to leave. Some people may not agree with me bt my family stinks. I'm an independent person and I feel like I'm being held in chains. I'm surrounded by people who say they love me yet I never seem to really feel it. Stuff just doesn't click anymore. We're always argues and normally mad at oneanother. I feel lonely. I want to have someone I can depend on and love and be loved by. I want to feel passion. I fantasise about it thinking that I'll find a girl who can give that to me . . . but can they? WIll it really help me? I'll never know if I don't try. Tonight I set some goals on me. First I want to loose some fat, hopefully I can cut my pant size to a 34waist. I of course also want to get a girlfriend. Wish me luck! ~Rover Deraj =SD= Imperial Bebop of Dream's Hauk Hashu Rover, Red Dragon of the northland. |
| 7-24-05 9:25 PM "Shit Happens, deal with it" John Kincaid I so did not want to go to vbs today. Mom made me go but I don't plan on going again. Church was ok. Loren did a music gig but I wouldn't say it was spectaculre or anything. Stevie went with us to lunch today. Somehow the conversation got to girls. Mom has it in her head that kaylene was my girlfriend. I wmentioned Kay twice and mom has gone beserk. It's really embarrasing and I'll never mention a girls name infront of her again. Just another example of why I need to keep my parents in the dark. I do wish it where true, even if it was just for a little bit. But . . . I'm totally ignorant in what your suppose to do. It's the kind of relationship I think I want yet I don't know how anything works. If anyone has advice, Feel free to send it to me. Sometimes I hate sundays. I'm not allowed on the computer and I'm cut off from most of my friends. . . I am a lonewolf. I have many friends, yet none. A cold and lonely life I lead. I have learned to never expect anything from anyone. i once loved but was never loved. Someday I will become cold and harsh. Yet there is still hope for me. Will you step forward? Will you hug me when I need it? Will you love me? Will I be forever lonely? ~Rover |
| 7-28-05 I saw Kaylene today. I was dropping my brother off at Cross Country practice and she was pulling out onto 4th street in a truck. I figured she had just dropped off a sibling for practice. It was intresting. My day just seemed to become great. She looked like she was in a good mood. She was smiling and she waved at me. It was like the sun had come out of a cloud when she did. I wish I could see her more often. Maybe even talk to her. |
| 7/31/05 10:04 PM Dad and I are leaving on tuesday. We're going to Canada to a fishing camp in the interior. I can't believe it's almost august. My birthday is coming up. Just twenty three days to go. I need to make a list of what I want. The best birthday present you ask? A day with kaylene. Even just talking with her, a little more than just waving or saying a brief hello. I was so happy that last week of school. Kaylene came up and sat with me during 7th hour Espanol. Even after she had taken her test and didn't need me to help her study. Mostly sh looked at the yearbook or watched bits of the move that was being shown to the class. Sometimes I would just watch her . . . just sitting there next to me. I wished it would last forever. I felt like the luckiest guy in the world. The last day of school, kaylene was gone to a trackmeet. I was really deppressed that day. I wanted to go to her remaining track meets but I never made it once. Hmmmm . . . I dream! I dream. What is a dream? What does it mean? Do you listen to your dreams? Do you understand them? They are more than they first appear. I probably should go pack but I still don't feel like it. I think I'll bring my notebook on this trip, so I can write. I need to have something to do. I am Rover. Someday I will wonder from place to place. I dream about it. Someday i'll go to europe, traveling around, moving from friends house to friends house through a network of tdzk friends. Maybe I'll meet Ender Wiggen in person someday or maybe even Joti. That would be a dream come true. Heh, can't belive that I havn't mentioned Imperials yet "It's so much easier to run . . ." Linkin Park Ender is restarting IMPS. I think Beavah was the pushing force behind it. This put me in a delima of course. Shattered Dawn is an up and coming new alliance with lots of promise of reaching the top and I can ride with it as a subcommander. However to me family comes first. Imperials will always be my familiy and my home so of course I said I'd join up at the end of the round. I will always be an Imperial at hear so I must follow my destany wherever it leads. "Told you everything loud and clear, but nodies listen" Linkin Park I think tomorrow I'm going to send an e-mail to Bethany, Liz, and Chelsie, asking them to read my diary from start to finish. Liz gave me her msn name so I'll try that e-mail. By doing it tomorrow it gives them a week to read it before I get back from my trip. If I had kaylene's e-mail I would ask her to read it too. I get real shy talking to girls face to face. I break down and freeze. Everything I say seems to come out wrong. Over the computer howerver it's a totally different ballpark. I can say anything. Even if it was Kaylene I would be able to handle it. If only. . . . "Ender would love that" Joti, Imperial Goddess |
| "Shit Happens, Deal with it" John Kincaid |
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