 ODE TO MARCH, BY ZOOEY(March 1) |
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....without rhyme or meter.
Oh, to be dead, now that March is here.... March is the most depressing month of the year. Why? I am glad you asked. I will tell you. It all begins and ends with sports, my friends. And March is a HORRIBLE time for sports. Allow me... 1. MARCH MADNESS This is the most depressing event in all of sports. The sports media will be absolutely saturated with intense banter about this tournament for the next month. They will ramble on TV. They will rant on the radio. They will clog the arteries of the Sports pages. There will be no escaping the onslaught of coverage, barring monastic seclusion. Honestly, how can a grown man (or woman) be expected to have an interest in a ball game between the So. Pistamoe Tech Bolt Cutters and the Wahoochie State Receding Hairlines? This is the time of year that skittery water bugs nicknamed Bimbo and Pooh launch acrobatic airballs while Biff and Sandy whoop it up with pompoms and a "Give me a P-I-S-T-A-M-O-E!" on the endlines. There will be lopsided victories and amateurish showboating. It will be completely unwatchable, yet millions will watch. It is too depressing for words. It is Madness all right, and it makes me want to March myself off a cliff. Why would an advanced civilization spend its time on this kind of trivial inanity when it could focus its attention on more important issues like the ventilation system in the TWA dome? 2. SPRING TRAINING Ohmygawd. I used to be a big baseball fan in the 70's. I was a Dodgers fan, and I can remember carrying a radio outside into the backyard where reception was better than in the house, trying to pull in a broadcast from their radio station 600 miles away. But never during Spring Training. You have to be kidding me. The games are pointless, the stars play a couple of innings, and the World Series is still some 600 + weeks in the future. It is only March. We have all of spring to look forward to, then all of summer, and then a few weeks of fall before any kind of meaningful baseball game will be played. So why would we want to tie up perfectly good airwaves with chit chat about some Double A second baseman's tender elbow? Tell me why. Isn't it bad enough that each team plays one hundred and sixty-two games, each 4 hours long? Isn't it bad enough that those games have long, pointless postponements in the middle of them if the weather turns a little damp? Tell me, isn't it BAD ENOUGH that these fat guys have to call a timeout to catch their breath after running 90 feet? Why would anyone want to devote attention to this? Announcer: "We're with Dusty Blowhard in Arizona and, Dusty, how do you like the team's chances this year?" Blowhard: "Well, we feel pretty good about ourselves. The guys have been keeping themselves in real good shape in the offseason and 90% of the guys can jog to first base now without stopping to rest. We feel like come April, we'll be ready to go." Announcer: "Dusty, last year the bullpen was a problem area for you. How does that shape up this year?" Blowhard: "Well, we picked up Fernando Mania from the Portuguese League. He's a tall, scrawny 94-pound lefty who's erratic and has a good chance of scaring the hell out of hitters with his wild stuff. Alongside him, of course, we've got Skeeter Moosehead, the 300 pound righty who has a lot of experience at the age of 48. Between the two of them, we figure to confuse opposing teams." Thank god we have this board where we talk nothing but football all the time. That's all I can say. Boo March. Go Football! |
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