 "King Zooey's Playoff Worksheet "By Zooey (1/6) |
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Now, before you read my
Playoff Worksheet, there is a small legal obligation to take care of. Please read the
following legalese carefully and direct all inquiries to my appointed attorney, WV Ram who
is wholly responsible for the contents of this post. I acknowledge that I am about to read King Zooey's Playoff Worksheet, all of which he shall be given credit for in the event it displays stunning prescience, and none of which shall be remembered or ever mentioned in the unlikely event of an Act of God (i.e. lots of fumbles, injuries, bad calls by referees, or false assumptions etc). I understand that the information contained herein and forthwith shall not be used for purposes of wagering, gambling, or otherwise and exists for entertainment purposes only. In the event that any bets or wagers using this information should pay off, I agree to send 10% of all proceeds to King Zooey Enterprises, and all losses are the sole responsibility of the bettor and WV Ram. Furthermore, in agreeing to these terms and conditions blah, blah, blah, I promise to send King Zooey a check for $19.95 as soon as I leave this screen (whether I read the entire post or not) or immediately, whichever comes sooner. I Accept: ______________________________________________________________ NFC Playoff Ponderings DALLAS: 1-7 on the road this season, with the only win coming the first week of the season against the Redskins in a dramatic, come-from-ahead collapse by Washington. Dallas had no business winning that game, and has no business beating Minnesota this weekend. Dallas is a bad, bad football team. But they still have a bunch of guys with Rings on their fingers, and are sporadically of putting something together resembling a football game. They can't beat Minnesota if the Vikings play a B game or better, but they have about a 20% chance of winning this weekend. If Emmitt comes up big, Dallas has a prayer. Zooey wouldn't mind a Dallas victory because two of his older brothers are Cowboy fans who deserve sharp hot pokers through their arrogant, pea-sized hearts, and their characters would undoubtedly improve through the gentle, heartfelt condolences little Zooey would be sure to send them after the Rams wax their butts the following Sunday. It would be fun to beat the Cowboys, and it would mean that the nettlesome Vikings are out of the picture. Facing the Cowboys is a winning proposition for the Rams all around. But Dallas really stinks. Has any playoff team in recent memory been quite so, um, cruddy? DETROIT: For a fleeting moment mid-season, this team held home field advantage. Since then they've resembled the Detroit Lions more and more every week. If the Lions beat Washington, the Rams would face a bad, bad football team in the Lions. There would be a little "rematch/payback" chatter, but the game would not be much of a contest, and the Bucs/Vikes winner would be sure to visit the other board to tell us that we still haven't beaten anybody good. The Lions have no running game, and have suffered attrition through injuries. Also, morale is low and no-one likes Ross. 10% chance of beating Washington. Zooey wouldn't mind a Lions victory, since payback is always fun, fun, fun. And if the Rams play them, that would mean that they pulled out a miracle against the Redskins, sending Minnesota to Tampa Bay. That wouldn't stink, since that would give the Bucs a workout before the Championship game. Facing the Lions is a winning proposition for the Rams all around. Detroit really stinks. Has any playoff team in recent memory been quite so, um, cruddy? MINNESOTA: This is the team King Zooey wants to see the Rams play. The Rams owe this franchise a few good butt-kicking and this seems like a great season to start the payback. As others have pointed out, this is an erratic team with an ability to play very well in stretches. They also have two, polar-opposite motifs running through their playoff history. The first motif, and the bane of longtime Rams fans everywhere, is their uncanny ability to produce fluke, game-breaking plays out of nowhere, and win games they have no business winning - especially against the Rams. They also have an uncanny ability to never win the Super Bowl. They choke. I believe they still are the Supreme Chokers of the NFL - fending off the scrappy Buffalo Bills for the title. Unlike previous matchups between these teams, however, the Rams are a LOT better than the Vikings this year, and the Vikes chances of beating the Rams (who have a bye week) are about 10%. The Rams would get to kick the Vikings around, and that would mean that Tampa Bay's defense will be getting winded chasing the Redskins all over the field. Facing the Vikings is a winning proposition for the Rams all around. WASHINGTON: Good offense, bad defense. Bad team. Bad owner. Bad nickname. Bad colors. Bad karma, too, incidentally. This is the other team Zooey wants the Rams to take by the larynx, drag through hot coals, draw and quarter, disembowel, and drop from an airplane into a volcano. They should get by the Lions without much trouble, and then it gets interesting. Can the Bucs hold them to, say, 20 points? If they do, can the Bucs offense score that much? See, the difficulty handicapping this game is that when the Redskins have the ball, the Irresistible Force is meeting the Immovable Object. And when Tampa has the ball, the Immobile Force is meeting the Irresistible Object. Tough call. Tampa gets the nod because they have a bye week and home field. But if Washington wins that game, it is a winning proposition for the Rams all around. TAMPA BAY: Ability to play manly football; ability to lose to the Raiders 45-0. Rookie QB. No rookie QB has ever led a team to the Super Bowl. Won't happen this year. Tampa is good enough to maybe hold the Rams to scoring in the low-to-mid-20's. And good enough to score in the mid-to-high single digits. Facing the Bucs is a winning proposition for the Rams all around. ================================ AFC Playoff Ponderings Who cares? |
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