Hermione's Plan
- Posted by RH on 13.02.2007
- 44 comments
Ethan spent the rest of the train journey explaining to Ron and Hermione that he and Draco were cousins, since he had recently been discovered as the long lost son of Bellatrix Lestrange. Apon capture, Rodolphus and Bellatrix had surrendered him to the Ministry and he was raised among Muggles. The Lestranges had long since disowned him since he had such strong Muggle connections, but Ethan, having never quite fit in with 'normal people', was quite keen to discover and live his wizarding roots. So anxious was he to start afresh, that he abandoned his Muggle name of Gary Stu (a name given to him because he is so perfect and inexplicably related to canon characters in ways that JKR has not allowed for) and adopted his original wizarding name of Ethanoicacid Daminstrelsrock Kipperfan Lestrange, or 'Ethan' for short.
"Fascinating as this is, Ethan," said Hermione, "we now have the problem that Harry is dead. People are bound to notice if he doesn't turn up at school." She looked sternly at Ron, who had been attempting to peer down her top.
"Wot?" said Ron defiantly, his ears turning pink. "It was his fault. Bloody showing off all the bloody time. Bloody idiot. Bloody, bloody, bloody."
Hedwig hooted disgruntledly in her cage.
"Oh, Ron!" exclaimed Hermione. "Now you've gone and disgruntled Hedwig!" As Hermione reached up to the luggage racks to re-gruntle the owl, Draco and Ethan began devising a plan to prevent news of Harry's death spreading.
"A giant Harry-Pinata!" said Ethan excitedly.
"That's stupid, Lestrange," Draco said grimly. "What about... a Potter scarecrow? Just stick him down Weasel's trousers, mess up his hair and no one will know the difference! He'd probably even do better in lessons!"
"Malfoy!" Hermione chided. "You're supposed to be dubious and suspicious in character. At least come up with something dark and scary! What about Necromancy?"
"Nah," said Draco, "I'm not into dead people." The train carriage fell silent as the four of them thought carefully, save for the sound of the newly re-gruntled Hedwig cooing on Hermione's shoulder.
"I've got it!" exclaimed Draco.
"The answer to our problem?" said Hermione excitedly.
"No, pubic lice," he explained, scratching his crotch. "Goddamn fangirls..." Everyone shifted slightly away from him and continued contemplating.
"Oh this is useless!" shouted Hermione after a long pause. "Look," she said, pointing out of the window, "we're nearly at Hogwarts! Pull on your robes and we'll go with my plan. Malfoy, don't act any differently to normal. Go back to your carriage and dispose of the body any way you can!"
"And why would I do that, mudblood?" drawled Draco, sneering at Hermione and crossing his arms over his chest.
"Not yet, idiot!" said Hermione. She rolled her eyes and shunted Draco out of the compartment door, despite his protests of "but what if they're not done with him? God knows what they're doing in there!"
After bundling Draco out, Hermione turned - and screamed.
"Ron!" she shrieked. "Your robes!" Ron's robes were now so short that the head of his penis was in clear view.
"I grew over the summer," he explained. His shrug revealed even more.
"I told you to wear clothes underneath," Ethan said accusingly.
"But JKR has never made it clear!" Ron protested. "In the movies they all wear clothes under their robes, but in Goblet of Fire there was a wizard at the Quidditch world cup who didn't like Muggle clothing because it restricted air to his private parts!"
"But you must admit Ron, it must be more than a little breezy down there now."
"Well yes, but I don't want to wear clothes under my robes!"
"But you're indecent!" exclaimed Hermione.
"Look, I know I'm not as smart as you, but there's no need to find big words for 'poor' just to confuse me!"
"That's not what I said!" But Ron had already stormed out of the compartment, provoking screams from people in the hallway. "Oh dear," said Hermione, shaking her head. "He's so stubborn."
Ethan looked at her blankly, unsure of what to say.
"Oh yes!" said Hermione, snapping out of her mood. "Now to put my plan to action..."
Ethan felt incredibly stupid as he sat at the Gryffindor table just before the Sorting. It could've been because he was actually incredibly stupid, but in this case it was more because Hermione had drawn a lightning scar on his forehead in eyeliner, and Hedwig, who had been dyed black and stuck on his head to resemble messy hair, was now so disgruntled that she was shitting down his back.
"Hermione!" he hissed across the table, but her attention was focussed fully on Dumbledore at the High Table. "Psst!"
"What?" she whispered back distractedly.
"It's this bloody costume," he whinged. "I can deal with the eye make up. I'll put up with the shitting bird - but did you have to put the weight of the world on my shoulders? It's ruining my posture!"
"Shh!" scolded Hermione. "Keep it down! No one can see the weight of the world on your shoulders, but it needs to be there to give the impression of someone who has the weight of the world on his shoulders."
"But-!" Ethan stopped himself as huge tears had welled up in her eyes. "What?" he demanded.
"You killed my best friend!" she exclaimed under her breath, trying hard to control her breathing. "Now I'm trying to help you - the least you could do is comply!" A stubborn sob escaped her throat and people began turning to stare at her. Ethan held his breath, sure for a moment that his cover had been blown, but suddenly, the sound of a gushing river erupted from the Ravenclaw table.
A small chinese girl was sobbing torrents.
"Oh that's just typical of Cho," snorted Hermione, brushing the remnant of a tear away. "If anyone else draws attention to themself by crying, she just has to outdo them!" Hermione glared past his shoulder and he turned to see where she was looking. He turned just in time to see Cho give Hermione a triumpant sneer behind her hands before resuming her one-person show.
"MY DARLING CEDRI-I-I-I-I-C!" screamed Cho.
Suddenly, Ethan felt a blow to his shoulder.
"Ethan!" Hermione hissed. "Now's your time to go! While everyone's looking at Cho!" After a quick glance to check no one was watching, Ethan scuttled out of the Great Hall.
At this point in the story, the author got lazy and skimmed over details such as the Sorting and the start-of-term-feast. The-author-also-developed-a-liking-for-hyphens. Important points to note are that McGonagall couldn't reach Ethan's head to put the hat on, asked him which house he wanted to be in, and deliberately placed him in a different one, without the help of the Sorting Hat. This establishes McGonagall as one of the badguys in the story. Or at least a very mean old lady. We catch up with our young hero at the Slytherin table:
"Ethan," said Draco musingly as he inspected a pork cutlet and nonchalantly flicked it over his shoulder to be devoured by a pack of snarling fangirls. "Don't get me wrong; I'm glad you're in Slytherin and all that, but don't you think it's the bit odd that you're hanging around with me, even though I nearly killed Dumbledore in Half Blood Prince and I technically shouldn't be here? In fact," he pondered, glancing at the High Table, "neither should Dumbledore or Snape."
"Oh that's easy," said Ethan, sneaking a glance behind him and shifting away from the scary fangirls, "when Ethan started writing this story-"
"Wait," interrupted Draco, "'Ethan' as in you or 'Ethan' as in Rampant Heathen?"
"The author," said Ethan, "let's just call him Rampant Heathen from now on. Anyway, when Rampant Heathen started this story, he hadn't read Half Blood Prince, so he couldn't really make it HBP compliant."
"Well yes," said Draco, "but couldn't he have just edited bits? Like surely it wouldn't have been difficult to cut me out, and he didn't have to include Dumbledore in this chapter. And how is he going to fit Snape in while Slughorn is still potions master?"
"Yeah, Potter Puppet Pals have the same problem with Snape," agreed Ethan, "but Rampant Heathen just decided it would be easier to pretend Half Blood Prince didn't happen."
"But in the first chapter, you said Harry was already seventeen!"
"Look Draco, I'll put it like this. If this story was HBP compliant, you wouldn't be Head Boy."
"I'm Head Boy?" exclaimed Draco. He glanced down to his chest, where a badge initialled "HB" had suddenly appeared. "W00tah! I'm Head Boy!"
"There is a downside though," said Ethan, suddenly looking sombre.
"What..?" said Draco suspicously.
"This is a badfic. You know who the Head Girl is, don't you?"
"No," said Draco disbelievingly. "Granger?! But she's got the social skills of a grizzly bear!"
"That's not the worst of it," said Ethan. "I'm sorry, but... this being a badfic and all..."
Draco snorted. "Next you'll be telling me we share quarters and we'll end up as a couple. God, Draco/Hermione shippers make me laugh!"
Ethan didn't laugh.
"No," said Draco. "No, no, no." He glared at Ethan. "You're lying! WHAT WILL THE FANGIRLS THINK?"
Suddenly, the fangirls all sprang into action.
"OMGWTFNOITCANTBETRUEKILLETHAN!!!1" they chorused. Without warning, they all leapt on Ethan and began tearing him to shreds.
"Arrgghh!!" yelled Ethan. "Draco! Call them off!"
"But they're not called 'off'," said Draco, inspecting his nails. "They're called fangirls."
"DRACO! HELP!" Ethan screamed from beneath the pile of bloodthirsty teenage girls.
"Alright, alright; no need to get all CAPSLOCKY," sighed Draco. "Down girls, down! Off the boy!"
Bleeding heavily, Ethan pulled himself back onto his seat at the Slytherin table. "What... the... fuck..?" he gasped.
"Sorry Ethan," said Draco. "They get upset quite easily. Don't worry, you'll get your own fangirls in time. Maybe we can fight them for money. I hear it's big in Thailand..."
Ethan groaned and coughed blood up onto the table. Draco scrunched his nose in disgust. "You know, if you were in Gryffindor, I'd've taken points for that.
"Anyway," he continued, after taking a sip of pumpkin juice (because that is the only beverage available at Hogwarts), "you're in with this Rampant Heathen person, right? Couldn't swing it so I end up with someone I'm actually likely to be after, could you? Pansy Parkinson, for instance?" Ethan shook his head.
"Sorry mate, Rampant Heathen is bound by the rules of badfic. He has to put you in the most unlikely relationship going. It's either Granger or Potter."
"Eurgh!" spat Draco. The fangirls nearly toppled the table over, each trying to be the first to lick his spit up, as it was the second best thing to snogging him.
"That's gillyweed!" exclaimed Draco (since he couldn't swear in a children's book). "He's doing it to spite me!" Suddenly, he leapt onto the table and shook his fist toward the sky.
"I'll get you, Rampant Heathen! If it's the last thing I do!"
Author's notes: F# and Bb.