So..here I am, two weeks, 19 hours after Jeff's death, on the day the sun is exactly opposed Jeff's natal sun, trying to figure out how to begin this entry. Jupiter keeps startling me when he suddenly appears in the windowsill, staring at me with those big yellow eyes. Jeff used to climb up the Sycamore tree outside my window late at night, climb in the window and snuggle with Quinn and I. I am haunted by memories at every turn. Hopefully I will be moved out of this apartment by the end of the month. I keep expecting him to walk in the door..or climb through the window.
I am going to visit Alaska with Quinn in September. That will be nice. I had a conversation with MW just last night...He's graduated from college with a degree in History..can you believe it's been 5 years since my class graduated from high school!?! I have a hard time with that sometimes....These last 2 1/2 years have been such a rollercoaster ride.. On one hand, I feel like I shared a lifetime with Jeff (in a way I did...the whole of Quinn's lifetime) ..but on the other hand I feel really cheated out of my share of time with Jeff... It really was just a small fraction of our lives..2.5 years....Jeez..I moved in to the Fig with Jeff on February 18th 2000 or thereabouts..which means that I had almost exactly 2.5 years with Jeff. Anyways, I look at pictures of J when he was my age, 10 years ago, and I feel a sharp pang of loss that I was not able to have known him then.
I don't even know where to begin to describe the depth of the pain, loss, heartache, sorrow and anger that I've been feeling the past two weeks..Going through the whole gauntlet of grief to this degree of intensity has never before happened to me. There are so many different thoughts that zip through my mind all at the same time in any one given moment..I can be cheerily enjoying the company of good friends one second and then the next, I'm dwelling on morbid memories, images of death.
However much I dwell in the past though, life just keeps marching on. Quinn just spent last night at a friends house. He had fun playing with 6 year old girls and mommy had an enjoyable evening drafting a fantasy football team and then going out to shoot pool with Carrie at The Matador and munching a cheese and cracker platter at the Watertrough Saloon. I definetly needed that. I'm so thankful that I have such a wonderful support structure of friends that all want to help me out with Quinn. So many people loved Jeff...I've seen such a tremendous outpouring of that love in Q's and I's direction and it has made things so much easier. It also helped that Grandpa P. came to town and got my car fixed and legal for me, amongst other wonderful favors. Thank You Dad! It's a huge relief not to have to take public transportation to work anymore. Cuts an hour off my commute.
I must wrap this up now and get down to the tedious work of cleaning J's apt. out. Got to have that done by tonight. Wish me luck!
It's been awhile since I've added anything. Not that I think it matters to anybody, I'm pretty sure no one reads these things. But they amuse me anyway.
Hmm. For awhile, the firewall here at work was blocking geocities and I couldn't post but aparently they've fixed it. So I'm back. I'll write more tomorrow. It's 5:02 and I should be going home.
So, the new apartment that C. and I got is really nice. It's more like a townhouse with the bedrooms upstairs and a little fenced in backyard. Even a dishwasher, which is definetly my favorite feature of the place.
Bringing Jeff back to Ithaca went really well. We drove all night from D.C. to get there and then got up in the morning to rainy, cloudy, dreary weather. We headed off Angel Falls, regardless. Then the most amazing thing happened. As we were walking down the trail to the falls, within 10 minutes, literally, the clouds were swept from the sky and the sun came out. By the time we got to the end of the trail there was not a single cloud in the sky. It was astonishing to all of us.
Jeff's parents were able to walk out onto the waterfall itself and, with the waters rushing around their ankles, released Jeff's ashes to the river. As the silvery cloud swirled down to the bank where we were all standing, we tossed our blessings on the backs of the flowers into the mist to be swept downriver with Jeff.
It was quite beautiful and deeply affecting.
I got to meet so many of Jeff's friends, my only regret is that I was quite overwhelmed by the entire situation and was perhaps not as friendly as I would have liked to have been. I had a hard time remembering names and was often at a loss for what to say. All of which being in contrast to what a social butterfly Mamabear was being. I was sort of envious at the ease with which she communicated with all of Jeff's old friends and felt sort of at a disadvantage simply because she had heard more stories about his Ithaca days than I had and therefore had an easier time putting faces to all the old stories.
Most upsetting to me was only being in Ithaca for one day. I desperately wanted to stay longer and wish I had worked out arraingments differently. Oh well, I'm sure I will be back anyways. That's what I told everyone there, "I'll be back". I am looking forward to it, eventhough there are no difinitive plans or anything just yet.
I'll post some pictures from Ithaca on Jeff's page.
