and it seems I am having problems keeping a light touch on my computer hutch...the monitor is bouncing a bit...
woke up this morning at 0545....went back to sleep...0615...went back to sleep...0645...arrrggghhhh!!! got up to some water, *again*...went back to sleep...
I had this dream at that point...I was mowing the grass around the barraks, highly pissed I had to do so--the yard seemed to stretch for miles and miles more than the actual grounds are...don't know why. There were other people out there helping...
One of them was this relatively cute blond girl.
She was quite lithe, had gorgeous hair and big big baby blue eyes...i don't
knwo what her actual age was but I'm pretty sure she was at least a couple
years younger than I (but then, that can be misleading...there was
this kid at the liquor store last night coulda sworn he was only 14 or
15...buying Jack...Dave and I SWEAR up and down he had to have a fake ID...but
they believed that he was 21, so...I wasn't carded) And I'm not too sure
but she might have even had braces, those "invisible" kind...so I'm thinking
maybe a "lot" younger than me...
but she was out there working with us in the military
or maybe she wasn't working with me...that part was unclear...HA, maybe
she was a girl scout or something! oh lord that would be a *bad*
omen...
apparently I had known her for a while...a good length
of time, and I liked her, a lot. Then everything elese faded away
and I was just standing there with her, alone. I told her I had something
I needed to say ( i know, ultra cliche, but it was dream so forgive me)
and I kissed her...
At first I'd thought I'd made a mistake...she kind of
jumped a bit and shied away...I gave a concerned look and apologized...sputtering...
then she smiled and said "I just want to kiss you BACK, silly". She put on lipstick and jumped on me...surprising the hell out of me with the speed of it all.
I put my arms around her and all was good, all was perfect...
then the dream was over.
Like, um, gee, i wonder what brought that one on huh? Wonder if that girl exists. She didn't seem the type that I would normally fall for...but i dunno. I highly doubt everything will make sense to me when I meet HER...
and shit, there I go again fantasizing about the "one soul mate", the "perfect match"....grrrrr.......
Dan's putting a packet in for Green to Gold. Basically
it's this program where, if selected, the army pays for you to go to college,
get your degree, and then come back in as an officer for at least four
years. They cut you out of your enlisted contract meaning, yeah,
you lose your MGIB money for college--making it an unviable option for
me since I'm just about done with college and could use the Montgomery
GI Bill money to reach into my credential/masters program. He's planning
on doing that and doing his four years in a reserve unit. Also not
an option for me since there are no nearby reserve units up at Humboldt,
and I need a steady job to pay my bills right now.
On that note, I'm trying to consolidate my credit card
bills to get them all payed off. There's a lot more debt there than
I would like...
On a seperate note...found a better far up to NYC on Amtrak for New Years...$236 as opposed to $266. 30 smackers pays for a good chunk of the food and liquor up there. Why do I want to hit NYC for new years? Becasue it'll be the biggest party in the entire world, that's why. And, while it's not the *true* millenlium, on *any* callender known to man...it'll still be a big party and a once in a lifetime party opportunity. As is known, I'm all about once in a lifetime opportunities...
I've been drinking a lot this past month or so. It all started that one year anniversary weekend...and, what with being in class and not having to be hydrated for morning PT (since I didn't go)...I've been drinking every night. I was smoking like a chimney during class...now of course I'm havign cravings. I actually have gotten a few more cigarettes from Dave...i may do so again b4 the night is out.
I was on ICQ w/ erica for a little while...poor girl is having troubles with relationship issues...some guy seems to have been using her or some such thing--she never really talked about it. But we talked about the concept of "the One" for a bit...One thing about erica is, she often has had this tendency to act as if she's completely and totally in love with me and thinks we'd make this perfect match and that I obviously will think the same, eventually. Usually she throws a "JK" in there with it, but I have to wonder if that's just to protect her own ass. I dunno, but I told her tonight, that, joking aside, I think she's nice but she's not who I'm looking for. She admitted that I had the qualities she was looking for in a man...but that I was not HIM...she understood.
Dan, the poor bastard, had to work today, so I'm holding off on the George Dickel. There is about, hmmm, what, a fifth of a fifth of Jose Cuervo Gold left, so I'm about to tap into that...lots of ice and I'll just sip it straight for a couple hours or so...By the time Dan comes back (and I assume he'll be crashing here again tonight) I'll probably be shit faced already. He'll just have a lot of catching up to do.
Anyway, I'm gonna get off this train now and call my parents.
I can no longer sip tequela. Actually, come to think of it, I never really could drink the shit straight like that...so I had to run down to the commisary and pick up some lemon juice...As my luck would have it thought, there was a sale on lemon juice bottles. Good right? Wrong, they'd sold out!
SO i wandered around the grocery store for a few minutes and the nstruck off for the veggie dept and wound up in the frozen juices...did some crazy company actually *market* such a product as frozen lemon juice?
Thanks to Minute Maid I was able to complete my airborne mission and gathered the necessary key to my soon to be drunken stupor. I have no idea when Dan is coming in...he left a message on my voice mail at like 1500 that he was gonna be about another hour...My parents aren't home so I'm killing time and beginning the alcohol consumption.
On the way out the store, an intense wave of depression
and lethargy just hit me 'like a two ton heavy thing". I drove home
in a bewildered uncaring daze...it frightened me. I tried to force
myself to bepop along to the radio and cheer up but i simply *couldn't*
I was enjoying being depressed. Such feelings have been gone a good
long time...only now to have recurred. I am concerned.
I know what exactly is triggering it--it's all this hoohaa
about love and sex brought upon by this past trip to Pittsburgh, to the
incident in Nashville, Melissa, Rebecca, that dream this morning...Erica.
Everything is focused in like a laser, eating away at scar tissue and those
walls I've been putting up over the years...and I just don't know what
to do about it. These living conditions just don't seem very good
for meeting people, let alone women...and for someone like me, more often
too scared to step out of the shadows or leave the shell...damn well impossible.
It's the kind of thing that makes me just want to date
someone, *anyone* and to hell with Love and all those other idealistic,
romantic, misplaced and archaic notions that have been tripping me up for
so long now. I think I need to just go out and use some poor girl,
smother myself in her, dump all my worries into her, free myself from so
much of this pysco babble emotional crap that I am fully aware are a result
of my own actions and lack of such...
But I couldn't do that...I could never bring myself to burden someone like that...especially someone i didn't really care about. I think about it all too much and never really do anything about it...but it's this thinking that keeps me somewhat level headed and sane i think...as Dan commented the other night writing in here...it's very freeing to do this sort of introspective/cathartic writing...would I even be here w/o this journal, I mean, that whole scene in feb 98 set aside even?
Now, sitting here at home on a saturday night...that certainly doesn't help matters much. Even if I could muster the courage to talk to some girl somewhere, I'm expecting Dan sometime, and I have no money besides.
I take comfort in excuses...I make excuses to avoid the subject...noticed that fact yet? I'm too passive and too insecure.
and as I was telling erica...I believe in the "one" but
I don't believe there is only one such person for each person...too many
peopel for there to only be a 1:1 ratio, ya know? I mean, I know
for a fact now that Christa was a "one" but that one wasn't gonna work
out, so I'm happy with the friendship I have.
there's plenty of women out there for me...I just have
trouble looking, that's all, right?