but that's a cop-out
but the convenience of it makes life much simpler, saves gas money, road time, possible awkward moments...
but that's a cop-out and I'd never know what's up with this whole rebecca/melissa thing
but I would have no emotional back up since Dan goes on mission cycle tuesday and can't go outside a fifty mile radius of ft bragg for two months...
but there's email...
SO I don't really know what to do now, except nothing. She hasn't returned my email any combination of three things: a) she hasn't read the email I sent yet (doubtfull), b) she doesn't know what to say or how to say it or what to think...basically is of the same contorted mind set I'm in (best case scenario here), or c) she doesn't want to have anything further to do with me for whatever multitude of reasons.
Damn...I want a cigarette. I'm thinking withdrawel symptoms are gonna be a bitch this time. Tomorrow is the last day of CLS class and I'd said I was gonna quit again once the class was over...I'm out of cigarettes so I may as well not buy any more...I can bum any I want tomorrow from Beal or someone else...Tomorrow is the final test, conducting an effective primary survey (the closest equivalent being the "evaluation of a casaulty" common skills task I first learned in basic training), bandaging what needs to be bandaged, treating for shock or ICP whichever will be present, stabilizing fractures or pneumothoraxi/flailed ribs (chest wounds), etc. etc. all w/o makign critical mistakes that coudl kill a casaulty. When not testing, we're sticking/resticking IV's again...for the practice ... big fun.
I'm dreading the return to work Monday morning...including the return to PT. Life has been so cake walk these past couple weeks. I've been beating my body up with food and drink and cigarettes and have gotten into the habit of being free early, not having my boss telling me what to do...SFC Krauss was more of a civilian employer. She'd quite often photo copy things on her own, type things up, etc. When she had something for me to do, she'd *ask* me to do it. SSG Wade is simply accustomed to being an NCO and giving orders. There is no asking to do this or that, there is no instances of him doing photocopying or anything while I'm around...Not having me around these past couple weeks--he's hated it. I can tell.
OH well...it's *my* Army. 35 more moths.
I *knew* he was gonna get hung up a bit on Kelli too. Why did I know? Becasue she's smart, attractive, and has a mind and opinions of her own. Not saying dan and I alwasy agree, we rarely do it seems...but I most assuridly found her the most attractive and appealing women of the group...which is why I was so "angered" that he "stole" her for himself...which is why I am never going to even *********attempt******* to meet women with Dan around. If it happens again that he falls all over the women I like...I don't know if our friendship will survive without some serious fucking discussion. He really just pisses me off sometimes. He really makes me reevaluaqte our friendship *every* time we are around women. He knows the problems I have, but never seems to empathsize or try to help. Maybe I'm just too much the aid in life. Maybe I place *too* much emphasis on putting people you care about b4 yourself...but it seems he never puts my well being before his own. How can I honestly consider his friendship as high as I have b4 due to this? How can I honestly rely on him to help me through the rough spots when it seems he cares mostly and pretty much *only* about his own piece of ass, and his own happiness...
Maybe that's unfair...i can't place my ideals of everyone b4 myself
on everyone I meet...but I can't help but do just that. Maybe that
is my whole problem, that I have lived through problems for too many people
and never resolved my own... God fucking Damnit...half the time I feel
as if I'm mumbling fucking worthless insane nonsense....the other half
I curse life and wonmder why I have to still be alive...it seems rare for
me to be in between the two.