Dan just left.
Haven't heard back from Melissa yet. I'm trying
to think what is going on in her mind right now in regards to the email
I sent her. It's important to me in a big way...more that just to
determine whether I bother going up to PA this wknd--I want to feel someone
understands and sympathisizes with what happened w/ Rebecca and Chris and
I...I want to know if Melissa is one willing to help me put it all behind
me for once and for all, to help me through it, to help me gain a more
positive aspect on relationships and love and sex...because right now I'm
not healthy on that front...this I fully understand. And to some
extent, I am using that whole deal as an excuse for myself and my fears.
I've never had a good experience with relationships...going all the way
back to high school. Every time I've tried to put my heart into something,
I've come away scarred. The best scenario has been w/ Christaa, who,
while nothing ever happened on a "boy-girl" level, became one of, if not
*the* closest and most trusted friend I ever had. There was a girl
in high school I confided in like I confided in her...there were two actually.
I'd be damned if I remembered their names though--of course that's the
way it is. I haven't heard from either of those two in over three
years now I think.
god how life flies by.
I told Dan that I'm all about living life for the moment...arising from my question of "How do you think I love music?" which he pegged 10000% as being "for the moment"...but i admitted that, at least with women and sex and relationships, I am completely bass ackwards. It's a hang up of mine that, to be honest, I draw out for my own sake, to make myself feel my own pity often times. Instead of doing something like trying to talk to women or trying to start a relationship, I sit and wallow in my past history. it's hard to get back up on that horse. Around here, it is just too hard to meet women...even Dan agrees, the man I envy for his prowess at meeting women. The atmosphere is just too saturated with GI Joe.
And it's been a long time now that I've been reevalutaing my opinions of sex. I'm 24 deer goodness, and still a virgin. Granted, I haven't have too many opportunities in my life, but there have been a few...Part of the problem is that, being a virgin so long, it became something of a virtue to me, something to hold onto and say, "at least I've held onto this piece of my morality", especially in light of the things I used to involve myself in. Nowadays I don't place as much evil in myself as I used to...but at the same time I know I've done wrong on occasions. That, at least, I've been able to put behind me and move on. I know I'm a better person than I used to be...so is it still so damn important to hold onto my "virtue of virginity"? I think being a virgin itself has been part of my problem meeting women, has made me timid, made me reluctant and hoping for that "women who is the same and undestands"...but I don't think she exists. I think all my life I've been looking for someone who just plain does not exist. In today's world, where boys and girls, and I mean BOYS and GIRLS, are having sex, it's suicidal to hold my breath waiting for someone akin to myself in intellect, outlook, and sexuality.
To this extent...I'm thinking that this weekend if dan and I DO go up to PA...I'm not going to do anything to dissuade myself from the possibility having sex with Melissa. I told Kelli I was a virgin...don't remember how it came up but she asked...I have no idea if she's told Melissa. It'd be interesting to know what she thought if she did know.
But I've lived my life in pursuit of experience. Why do I hold back on sex? I've already realized long ago that my perceptions of Love are archaic. I think that for a long time, a part of me held onto this virtue of mine because I thought it made me better than other people...more advanced. A large chunk of my opinions on abortion stem from my virginity, stem from my opinion that sex is not a normal human part of life and required by all of us to remain sane and healthy. Afterall, being a virgin has ostricized me often. It's something I don't tell people...not without a sense of intimacy. Partly out of fear of ridicule, partly out of embarassment, and partly out of plain fear. I've iterated herein my fear of sex, my fear of love, my fear of women. I so want to conquer this fear. How can I make a relationship with this fear hanging over my head?
There has alwasy been this noble idea of mine that the person I give my virginity will be the women I ask to marry me. It's a romantic notion yes...but what if this doesn't happen? What if the women I make love too falls out of love, or, worse yet, doesn't ever really love me in return? What a waste of time and ideals it will all amount to then. What a fool I'd feel then...and how I know it would break my will...possibly even to live. To have spent so long wishing for love, to finally find it, and then to realize I never found it at all...Better to do a premptive strike and begin to realize a more healthy view of love and life and sex and women and relationships and marriage.
It's the one thing I have wished for and hoped for and dreamed of more than anything else...the one thing that I have further from than anything on this planet. L O V E. I've studied it, analyzed it, dismissed it, re-embraced it, worried about it, fell in love with the whole idea of it, thought I was in it and discovered I was not...realized I had been in love when I had tried so hard to dismiss it...
I just don't know. I don't understand anything related
to this topic, not one fucking bit. I've never layed by a woman's
side, smelling her perfume, glorifying my life in the silky soft touch
of her hair, the beauty in a smile reserved for me and me alone, the joy
in a simple wink, the shiver from a gentle touch, the fullfillment from
a returned tender kiss, the energy from a held hand, the contemtment in
embrace...the realization of self-worth only found in a woman's eyes...the
completeness of being one with another soul.
All of these things I have prayed for, wished for on
the first star, hoped for, longed for, craved, desired, worshipped, and
needed. And yet I place myself between LOVE because of my fears.
I am not a complete person and never will be until I understand these things I romantasize.