BrainThoughts

3/30/01
OK, this is the beginning of this. This is kind of based on my journal of random thoughts, but I'm going to do it on the spot. I figure since I'm up all night anyway, I might as well do something at least somewhat constructive. So, I will write to you about whatever I feel like writing about at the time. This should be interesting. Enjoy.

3/31/01
It's technically the 31st now, even though it's about five minutes later than "yesterday's" thing. I really do have a sleeping disorder or something. I'm either an insomniac or nocturnal. Anyway, today's topic is the movie, The Legend of Drunken Master, starring Jackie Chan. This was an interesting film. Its main character, the Drunken Master, was either Jackie Chan or his father. I couldn't really tell, because it was in Chinese, and badly dubbed over. Anyway, Drunken Master employs an unusual martial arts technique - Drunken Boxing. The basic precept behind drunken boxing is that the drunker Jackie Chan got, the better he could fight. I don't know how this works, but it seemed to work out OK for him. Although the plot was muddled and insignificant, the film was redeemed by the hilarious drunken boxing moves and the Lucille Ball-esque acting of the stepmother. Unlike most Jackie Chan movies, the stunts were quite ridiculous. Some highlights: Jackie and some other Chinese guy fighting off about a hundred black pajama clad, axe wielding assassins and the evil antique-smuggling bad guy's assistant (named Henry, even though he was Chinese) trying to poke Jackie's eyes out with his chin. The one redeeming scene featured a fall into a pit of hot coals, which was actually performed by Jackie Chan, since he does all his own stunts. Legend of Drunken Master has minimal plot and terrible acting, but I laughed my ass off, and that's what counts. The only problem is, I don't know if the comedy was intentional.

4/1/01
Some people might say that I'm paranoid or someting, but there are a lot of people in this world that I find disturbing. A short list:
Christopher Walken - I am truly afraid of this man. He just radiates creepiness.
Joquain Phoenix - His creepiness status is derived mostly from his murderous/semi-incestuous role in Gladiator. It's amazing what can be done with lighting and eyeliner.
Manveer - Enough said, except that I'm worried about how much shit we give him now, because in ten years he's going to be a terrorist.
Keanu Reeves - I find him to be equal parts annoying and creepy. He has no acting talent, and always looks kind of dazed. He looks like a child molester, so his role in The Watcher was perfect for him.
Bjork - Her dead swan dress at the Oscars was severely wrong. She gives me nightmares.
Regis Philbin - That's my final answer.
Jack Nicholson - He's very creepy, but he still kicks ass.

4/2/01
Here's my problem of the day. There's a commercial for some internet company that claims, "Soon, there will be more people on the internet than there are in the world." How can I trust this company with whatever high tech calculations they are supposed to be doing when they cannot even perform this simple logical deduction?

*The word of the day is droll*

4/3/01
~The Rape of the Myth~
If I told you I was studying mythology in school, you would think I meant those stories the Greeks and Romans told, right? Chances are, you said yes, or at least thought it if you are not self-confident enough to talk to your computer. Wrong. My English teacher is teaching us all about how mythology will tell us the meaning of life and that is an essential part of the human psyche. What a load of crap. This is continuing her theme of quasi-religious, new age, introspective bullshit feebly disguised as a lesson. It's getting ridiculous. I could be doing something worthwhile with my life and instead I have to sit in that hellhole listening to her yap about the symbolic meaning of the circle and the square. I mean, come on. Give me a break.

A choice excerpt from my textbook:
"There's absolutely nothing contradictory about [widely accepted myths that, if taken literally, are idiotic.] I'll attempt to explain why, but you can come close to the answer yourself by jotting down responses to this apparently contradictory statement: Of course there isn't any dragon in the woods, but the woods are full of dragons." Right. Of course.
There was a time in my life when I actually found mythology, real mythology, as in stories, fairly interesting. That's just shot to hell now, isn't it?

4/4/01
Only two days until spring break! Huzzah!

I don't have much to talk about right now, because nothing interesting happened to me today.

I finally saw The Princess Bride after having everyone I know gape at me when I told them I'd never seen it. I enjoyed it. It was kind of a downplayed Mel Brooks type of movie, like he made it while on some sort of sedative.

Here's a fashion mistake: I'm watching Politically Incorrect. That's not the fashion mistake, that's just what I'm doing right now. Anyway, Danny Bonnaduce is one of the guests. He is wearing an outfit of orange leather pants and jacket that are the exact color of his hair. I don't know why he chose that color, but he looks like a big freakish carrot.

* The movie title of the day is Blow*

4/5/01
I was thinking about this. Does anyone really care what I have to say? My guess is no. I mean, I'm sitting here typing this because I think it's entertaining, especially since I have nothing better to do. I know that a few of my friends read this, at least sporadically, and I think my dad does ("aww, I'm so proud of you"). Actually, he didn't say that. He said that he's "kinda liking it." So there you have it, folks. A roaring vote of confidince from my father. And really, I have no idea if people are really reading this or not. I assume they are, because my prose is so compelling, but I can't count on everyone to have such fine taste. So, if you are reading this now, I implore you to let me know about it. I guess you could try to track me down, stalk me and stop me on the street to tell me what a fine website this is, but I would prefer that you simply sign the guestbook and tell me what you think. And for those of you who are not reading this, well, fuck you, you illiterate bastards.

George Carlin is finally coming out with a new book! I'm so excited! I have pretty much memorized Braindroppings. It's like a Bible to me. It should be out on April 24th. If you want to buy it for me, I would be your best friend forever. It's called Napalm and Silly Putty, and it's coming soon to a bookstore near you.

*Gossip in the household cleaning products aisle:
          Windex and Shout are having sex
          Pine-Sol is bisexual
          the Static Duster is infertile
          Ajax is a virgin
(trust me, it's better if you don't ask)*

4/7/01
Well, here I am sitting here on a Saturday night typing this. How pathetic. It's not my fault, really. Everyone I know is gone for spring break. And I'm left alone here, in the suburbs, to type this inane message to you all.

I noticed no one signed my guestbook a few days ago. Do you all hate me, or do you have no hands with which to type? I feel so underappreciated.

I was watching The Contender, with Joan Allen and Gary Oldman. Damn is Gary Oldman a good actor. Anyway, I was thinking. Since they call the president's wife the first lady, do they call the vice president's wife the second lady? And if the president were a woman, would they call her husband the first man? That'd be a cushy job. The first lady, I mean. All you have to do is be married to the president, and you get to sit around all day and do whatever you want. The perfect job for rich lazy women. An interesting trivia fact: the president is referred to as POTUS : President Of The United States. Who said you never learn anything from watching movies?