Joy explodes inside me.
Inside
No room
For all the joy.
Joy wells up,
Bubbles over,
Flows out to the universe
And back again.
Hope hurts.
To hope is to feel the lack,
To know the empty cavity inside.
The heart aches,
Longing for what is missing.
The emptiness calls to be filled,
Yet nothing comes to fill it.
Hope hurts.
Better not to hope.
Better to wall up the empty cavity,
To not know it's there.
Better half alive than to hope.
Hope hurts.
Feelings strong
Now muted.
A roaring stream
Now a quiet river.
I have no words.
highs
lows
ups
downs
a forest of feelings
Where to begin to describe?
I have no words
Emotions.
I swim through a sea of emotions.
Tossed and turned.
No moorings.
Calm.
In me.
I float on the gentle waves.
Angry, so very angry.
Why am I so angry?
The anger consumes me,
Eats me up inside.
I hate him.
Why does it matter?
Why does *he* matter?
I hate him.
No...
I don't hate him,
I can't hate him.
I hate how he makes me feel.
How do I feel?
I don't know, I don't know...
Confusion, anger, hurt, love
Love?
Desire?
I don't want to like him.
I don't want to care about him.
Too hard.
I want to be friends.
I want him to go away.
He challenges me.
Do I want his friendship?
Yes... so very badly.
He hurts me...
His criticisms sting...
He doesn't understand.
And yet
Somehow
We are not enemies.
We argue and fight,
Yet there is something there
I don't want to lose.
Deception.
Beautiful lies.
I dared to hope.
... deceived.
The lies shatter.
I'm left alone.
hate
black
ugly
slimy
oozing
bottled up
held tight
exploding
dripping
covering
hiding
twisted
bent
cold
hard
silent
hate
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