Humour

Last update Friday, 1 March 2002

Most Recent
What I want to know is...
Loose Vowels and Inconsonants
Definitions
Others
Stories

Most Recent

What I want to know is...

...Do construction workers call their annual dance a Wrecking Ball?

What I want to know is...

...If you've always wanted to be a nudist, does that mean you have naked ambition?

...If you're a voyeuristic pyromaniac, does that mean you should be kept away from naked flames?

...If you think you can get ahead by being tied up, does that mean you're bound to succeed?

...If you're being held in custardy, does that mean you're getting your just desserts?

Loose Vowels and Inconsonants

The conditions that:

Make a Faculty into a Facility
Turn Compliance into Complaints

Definitions

Bandwidth

A measurement dependent on the number of instruments played.

Sublime

That which is below a type of citrus.

Example (in an orchard):
"Did you see where that ball went?"
"Yeah, it's sublime."
"Oh, well just hit it from there, then. See if it'll go from sublime to the Delicious."

Enterprise Bargaining

What happens after Captain Kirk loses a high-stakes poker game with his Klingon opposite number.

Deciduous

Full of decisions. For example, "I find shopping a deciduous exercise."

Pedant

An insect on foot.

With the advent of the Single European currency, citizens of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland will no longer be "Spending a penny". The correct terminology is now "Euronating".

Firsts

The first financier in the Bible was Noah. He had all his profits on board while the rest of the world was in liquidation.

The first female profiteer was Pharaoh's daughter. She went to the river and brought out a little profit.

The first comedian in the Bible was Samson. He brought the house down.

Stories

A man goes in to a pub...

...and orders a pint.
A voice comes from somewhere, "Nice Shirt!"
He looks around, but can see nobody.
He orders another drink. This time, a voice says, "Nice tie!"
Still nobody to be seen. He orders another drink and this time, "Nice hair!"
He is totally amazed by all this and decides to ask the barman about it.
"Oh," says the barman, "that'll be the peanuts."
"What do you mean, 'the peanuts'?" says the man.
"They're complimentary!" says the barman.

"If only they had spellcheck..."

A new young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.

He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not the original manuscripts.

So, the new monk goes to the head Abbot to ask him about this, pointing out that if there was an error in the first copy from the original, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

The head monk says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son".

So, the Abbot goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscript is held in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for centuries.

Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot. So, the young monk gets worried and goes downstairs to look for him.

He sees him banging his head against the wall. His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.

The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?"

With a choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word is celebrate".