7.10 Dramamine
Well last night had some funny in it : Distilled Stupidity. Reading it explains it, so I won't. Oh man, I can't even comment on it, it's just astounding.

I changed my desktop's look when I got home today. A friend reccomended I look at the guys art (that is a self portrait, and 'that guy' is Egon Schiele. At first I thought she was making fun of me, because this guy's favorite subjects were pubescent girls, and he specialized in nudes. But, I like his style, my favorite of his (that I've seen so far) is one of a tree though (here). And of course the one I set as my background. =P.
I drove out to a potential job today (they wouldn't talk about it on the phone, you had to drive there, about 30 minutes away) and they had filled the job that morning. *sigh* Fairly depressing.
I felt better, though, later, now, whatever.
Got to talk to an old friend, too.
~red~

7.08Soundgarden, Smiths, Modest Mouse
This update is fancy, i.e. I wrote it by hand, and I'm typing it now. Every time I update, I realise I have tons to write, I just never do it. Eh, it'll get out one of these days.

6.27Them eyes be evil.

I got into a staring contest with Trouble today. I won when he fell asleep. Silly kitty.
~red~

6.26 Modest Mouse - Karma Payment Plan, 3rd Planet

So I got an unexpected phone call, it lasted about a half hour. Finally I ended it as my cat wanted inside, my laundry needed to be put in the dryer, and my soup was getting cold. So, first I walk to the door to let the cat in. I open the door, and look through the screen door and see that the majority of my porch is covered in feathers, and there is a very, very mangled pigeon laying at the foot of my door. Now, unfortunately, I am used to seeing dead things on my porch - the cat is aptly named Trouble, and he's... active.. in the local rodent community. But then I hear a scurrying scuffling noise and see my cat look towards the outside wall/doors of my porch, and see the rear half of a groundhog struggling to squeeze through the slats in the porch door to get away. Now, there is my feline death standing by the door.. feathers everywhere, a very dead and mangled bird on the ground, and now a groundhog butt wiggling around and making funny noises trying to escape. ( I think groundhogs are disgusting, they are second to oppossums. )
So... I looked at all of this, and said...
'AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!'
... *breathes*
... *looks again*
'AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!'
....
'AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!'
... *turns away and shuts the door* ....
'AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!'
Then I went and did my laundry. (Trouble had run off after the groundhog, which is probably bleeeding somewhere now)
~red~

6.23rd Well sheeit

"I am expecting you to find your own place by July 15."
Well isn't that a pisser.
~red~

6.21 Alice? Who the fuck is Alice?
I finally went over a week without updating, almost 2. Shoot, oh well. I suppose it fits the theme lately though, I've been messing a number of things up that I could swear are terribly important to me, and yet... well here I am with them undone.

So I went to Green Dragon today to continue my search for a specific item for a specific someone (which I found, finally, w0ot =] ), and wandered around the place. Somehow I managed to get out of there without buying anything else *flexes his resolve* although I was damn close to buying a number of things (they being lemonade, mmm, the fresh stuff, lemons in the cup and all, a number of knives, and foooood), which I'm proud of. I was going to buy Wipeout : 3, since I didn't even know it existed, and I -love- the Wipeout games, but I ran into one pissy mofo that ran the little video game cubby hole of a store. The game was labeled $15. I'm poor. So I figured I'd ask him if he'd go down to $10, and if not, think about whether it was worth $15 to me. So, I waited until he was done serving an obnoxious 10 year old who couldn't make up his mind on what he wanted (and when he did was talked out of it every time by his mother "Do you realise how much mowing that is?!" ... parents don't get video games), and then asked "Would you take 10 for this?". The man took the game, looked at it, and said "I'll take 20. It says 15." Then he handed it back to me.
...
I looked at him, blinked, laughed, and then put the game back in the crate and walked out.
Now let's think about this. On one hand, I see the point he was getting across - I presume it to be something along the lines of 'It says 15 you illiterate fuck, what don't you understand about that? I raise the price by 5 because you insult me by offering less'. However : he is in a flea market. He is selling used, mostly crappy, video games. He is open one day a week for 12 hours, he's wearing a T-shirt with the sleeves torn off, and he has a mullet. It's not like I walked into Zales and offered them half price for a nice piece of jewelry. I was a few inches from launching into the haggling skit from 'The Life of Brian', but I thought better of it, presuming it would go over his head, and I could end up with a foreign object inside mine.

Wheeeeeeee escaping. *laughs*
~red~

6.10 <>
I hung up the phone, and fell asleep feeling good.
~red~

June 9th Me, a summary : deux
More than anything I loathe myself. I haven't completed school yet. I sit and stare blankly at this screen and yet nothing about me feels blank except the everpresent ache of distance.
I have noone to turn to because the one to which I seek to turn, I fear to hurt with who I am.
And neither time nor resources exist for me to be me anyway.
I feel like I am existing on a plane seperate from the one which I exist on, save for when with that one. Although even then at times... differing frequencies, AM, FM.
How long will I last like this?
I fear for myself, and those around me, and I hate myself for everything.


Maybe moreso, I just feel like I'm eternally in limbo, eternally waiting, never doing anything but waiting and waiting for something I'm never sure exists, and so I don't feel like I'm real.
Either way... nearly everything feels so far away.
~red~

June 7th Me, a summary.
Somehow... I managed to do nothing... accomplish absolutely nothing... this entire day.
~red~

June 3rd...4th? Mechanical Me
I'm standing up against the glass of my screen door. (It would be a screen but it hasn't yet been switched back from winter). I press my hands against the sides and my eyes push at it from inside, and I want to go out, but I can't. I'm trapped inside, tied to this box, this house, I am here, for how long I don't know. The trance music flows steadily from the speakers to my heart, like a cord to the wall, and it keeps me going, until I am released.
Trapped by myself and circumstance, and a select few others. My body moves and lives, somehow, without my being able to reach it from the inside. I can nudge and push, but it does only so much, I don't have the momentum to change my own path. I'm inside a big mechanical me, and it's doing as it likes, it's a robot, it's heavy and hollow and mechanical. But I'm inside... I swear. Although sometimes I doubt whether I'm actually real. As I sit in here and poke at the inside of the steel shell that is me... maybe I'm just a figment of my imagination, to try and make myself feel real, as if I'm not a hollow monstrocity, yet another failed invention of man.
I can push the robot over to the door, move it's hands to the window, I can look out through the glass and I can feel the music pumping through me, almost bringing me back to life. But it isn't music that brings me back to life, it's ___. And I blink, and realise I'm still sitting in the chair, inside it. Inside me.

.
Ow, no goodbye.
Why do I let the little things get to me at all? They're meaningless, aren't they?
Wierd, that my head can accept how trivial they are, acidental, inconsequential, un-thought-of, but I can't.
Grr, frustrating. I want it to slide off my back.
Do I say 'I'm not a duck, it just doesn't slide off as well'...
Or do I try harder to let it slide off?

....
Actually it did, except that I wrote about it.
I see now... it slides off and into here. Unfortunately, what is to slide off and be forgotten and unknown to others, ends up read by them. Does that defeat the purpose of being able to let it slide?
~red~

June 1st Total Eclipse of the Heart
"I'm serious, while most people are opening presents, some are opening their wrists."
-The christmas hating girl from Gremlins
~red~

May 30th. Fresh
fresh new look, less load when you just want the latest, and woo.
"
Dirty your face
With longing and grace, God-given
Suffer her heart
And love her when your love goes unrequited

Where the cool winds blow
I must surely go
For my love calls me below to drag her
from the depths of my soul

When will I see her again?
" (moderately out of contexted Smashing Pumpkins - Rotten Apples)

Happy to hurt, moreso to love.
Happy in love.
~red~

May 29th . half thoughts, quarter words
Fuck you! Gooaoaaahahhh... you... and +! And the bloody.... !... Blasted insensi... aren't underst... compas...... **! ^v. Heliocentric sans helio addendum yo, ar!

And what do with! 2! .... Trying and wishi... everything! Ahhhhhhhhhhhh!!!


AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! BhazifRackIMAST!
Cruath Quasith Zojak Zojak Zojak Volae!!!!!! Corp fucking por.

Waiting all day for a delivery and the package comes empty with a note saying it

This song needs to die. *changes track*


What the fuck am I supposed to do here?

How did I get here and why am I here, for that matter. Why do you keep me put me leave me here.
Spiraling cosmos explosive.
Burning on the inside
~red~

May 27th . Howdy howdy holidai
Wanna go driving, don't have the gas.
Wanna go dancing, don't have the date, wanna make money but it's far too late.
(Aurelia - When The Night is Falling) . Wanna spend my life dreaming, don't have the sleep.
Tired.
D, D, D, D. Sunshine. D, D. J-D, L-D, <>-notD, <>-notD. D. J-D, JL-D, JL-D, can'tH-D.
Wanna go driving don't have the gas. Wanna make money but I feel too far gone.
Graduate, work, be a decent person, manage my emotions well, live a balanced life.
A list of F(rustrations)
Beethoven - Fur Elise
~red~

May 23rd . My away message
Mutakawe, shalom.
I go out driving with Dubblix... woo, pseudo-mayberealonsomelevel-nihilism pour moi, in a way... it's letting go of everything. J'�coute Hurt par NIN. Going out, en trenchcoat and staff in hand.

hour or so later
Heh, drove near the speed limit the whole time. So poo on you, death.
It's good to talk to someone that is fairly uninvolved and disconnected, and do it on a beautiful night (late), and driving around... it's easier to say a lot of things.

Out of gas.. out of road.. out of car.. I guess I'll be dancing here for the night.
That's one way to look at it anyway.
~red~

May 22nd .
Today, I will chill the fuck out.
~red~

May 21st . Ogenki desu-ka?
8:20
So posting song lyrics is crap. I don't know what to post then. Although I guess there isn't actually music playing atm.
I'm so close to crying.
Embrace it and draw them out? Or do I submerge it in one of any number of activites?
I hate this. I don't want this. I want it all to go away.
I haven't left my house in 3 days. Early, nothing to do, so I do schoolwork. Late, could be talking, don't want to miss that, what if <> calls, what if <> comes, what if this time <> talks to me. No gas to drive, or I'd be flying abouts, I miss my car, I miss shifting, I miss roaring.
Pick another song. WinAmp is taunting me. You make a poor drug Winamp. You can't compare to the others.
Stare at the screen little piggy, keep on staring. One day it will talk back to you. You're so pitiful, little piggy, squeal for me. Watch out for the poker. Stare at the screen little piggy, keep on waiting. Waiting waiting waiting. I'm sure it'll come like a tidal wave, the words, the thoughts, the feelings. <> talks to you, in the future, believe me, little piggy, <> shares in the future. You're so hooked little piggy, you're so pitiful little piggy.
Love is a fucker.
8:36now
Why can't I be the pill? Why can't you cope with not being the solution is a better question, piggy. I don't need to be the solution... I just want to help. Maybe you're too codependent? Maybe you need to accept that you can't always help people, piggy. <> hurts! I hate that! I want to stop it! Squeal little piggy. Stare at the screen, keep on waiting piggy... one day, it'll happen. Trust me. *laughter*
Love, is a fucker.
~red~

I thought maybe I'd feel better if I played with my gun. I forgot how unsatisfying a ping a BB gun makes when you fire it. No explosion, smoke, kick. Just 'boomp'. I wanted to kill that robin, sitting on the shed. I lined it up, understood it, and pulled the trigger. I aimed below it and hit the side of my shed. Then the trunk by another. And a pole underneath a sparrow. I didn't really want to take their life, I still believe none has the right to take the life of another. But I really wanted to watch them fall, see feathers puff out, they get knocked back, and the plummet to earth. After that would have been horrible, finishing it off, or just seeing it's dead corpse. I used to rush in.... take it down with the rifle, then sprint up and finish it with the pistol to minimize it's pain. All before I could think. I haven't killed anything bigger than a bug in years. Spiders don't count.

I never thought I'd be alone. I honestly didn't expect to ever feel as if I had nowhere to turn - especially in a situation such as this. I wanted to tell my mom why I was feeling so bad, why I was being curt. I decided to just give up on being what I want and try and swallow it and make dinner for her. But when I was in the kitchen, just now... I wanted to tell her everything. It would be bad though. I know that, I knew it. I thought 'I wish I had a father'. Because I thought maybe my dad would be able to understand, since I don't think my mom could. Dads are there for you. Most of them express their love for you by disciplining you, and making sure you know how to keep your car in good shape, but they mean well. I could go up to my dad and hug him and start crying and he wouldn't ask a thing I'd bet, or maybe I'd tell him everything anyway. Since I stopped crying over skinned knees, I've gone up to my mom and cried into her once. That was about a year and a half ago.

I never thought I'd be alone.

Nonetheless, I'm obligated to make dinner. My feelings, myself, my head... they'll have to wait.
~red~

May 20th . "Next."
System of a Down - ATWA and Spiders
Well I've got some shit to right tonight. To right and to write I've got some shit and some flowers and some dumpsters full of bodies and some cerebrum that's been forced to hold way too much, far more than should be expected, and I've got 2 more close to my heart I could give you pages and pages for and about and so many others I could give you pages of.

Last night I wanted to write and write and write I was overflowing but by the time I had the opportunity I had silenced smothered shut it off. But now, now, I've got so much of it, right here, at the surface on the red part of my brain the throbbing the pulsing the running the part of my brain that revs my engine when I'm not moving, the part that puts on the boxing gloves, the part that won't fight you unless you fight back, and try damn hard to hurt me. The part with the knife, the part with the gun, the part with overwhelming urge to run until my legs light on fire and what used to be the pen, the part that has the keyboard.

I stand up to light the candles, the kind of dim and flickering and orange light that blocks out all of you and all of the world and the walls and the chair and the plastic and the wood and the everything, and at the same time brings it all in, brings it to my hands and brings it to the screen. All the world I've seen before me passing by. I stood up to get the candles and fell to the floor because I'm laughing and crying and mostly crying but laughing at the fact that I can be so close to crying.. that fragile point where I could shatter, and at the same time I feel like I'm made of obsidian again, obsidian and pain and the thoughts of the world all flowing through me like mana.

All the world I've seen before me passing by.
I fell to the floor and clutched my sides and my head and I laughed at myself, and at you and you and you and you and yours. I stood back up and the tears were already back in my ducts... they almost never hit my cheeks anymore, they don't have the guts. They don't show their faces.

I could go insane. I could do it so quickly and so easily, just never stop laughing at the world and all that it throws in my face and at those that I love, and at what those I love do to those I love and what all of it does to me, and the circle of violence and pain.

what is this shit If I knew I'd destroy it, I'd pull out my big silver 'Jesus Christ is in Heaven now' and I'd blow it to fucking smithereens my love, you know that... I wouldn't hesitate a second I'd blow all their fucking brains out, I'd rip them down to little pools of melted silver in a pot to be poured in a trench and buried like so many dreams and bits of good.

You mother fucker! Next? You don't pass shit off like that, you don't address people like they're items in a line, you don't give your love a ticket, a number, a classification, put it in a fucking line. You don't minimize things you don't sarcastic that shit I don't know what the fuck you were thinking but you were thinking wrong.

People shouldn't be broken!. I'm so sick and tired of toning myself down or changing or not posting when I'm angry or upset or I feel like things aren't fair because the corporations decided to appeal to angry teens and took it all and made it pitiful and stupid and fucking Staind it and forced it to walk with a Limp Bizkit. I don't want to write about this fucking shit. Fuck this paragraph.

I'm sick of hurting people, I'm sick of watching people be hurt. I want to cry, I want to cry in the maniacal way that the tears slide back horizontally from my eyes because I'm running or maybe screaming at the sky. I want everything to turn red, I want to kill everyone I know just to feel it all so pure and raw and un fucking questionably real and right there. That sorrow, that pain, that's undeniable. That's fuck. Sweep around the hills across the roads with a sword a scythe a spell a whisper, a torment of rage to kick and pull and tear at your faces and your hearts and everything that I love about you because I love you... I love you all.
And some of you mother fuckers I hate. I hate you so much. Because I can't hate you. I just get angry and I can't express it to you because I can't pop you're fucking bubbles because I can't keep you from drowning on the air... no more bubble, no more water, you've got to breathe on air and like a fish you could drown. I can hate you I can hurt you I can break you, I can make you wish you'd never met me, alienate everyone, be truly hated and truly alone and work my way from there so that I know everything. If all is hate and pain, and I'd truly know both, I'd know everything.
Absurd.
But. Mais...jE SUiS.
A bass can strum and calm me down, I wave my fingers a bit to match his melody, but it only lasts so long, the melancholy, the depression, the rage, the love, they come back and my fingers shake faster and type again. What do I see?
"Sprite", a pocketwatch with broken glass, (the small spidery crack in the glass), candles, steel, skin, light that won't hold still, and red red red.

Dreams are made winding through her hair.
And she's falling asleep crying because of you and what you said and because of me and how I hurt and how we've hurt each other and how everyone's found a thorn on their rose at one point or another.

It tears me so to see them crying, to know their crying, to know they're crying.
Some I can't stop and some I can't stop myself and some my self stopped. And some my self caused.

I don't want to let go of it I don't want to lose it I don't want to put it on the shelf but I have to I want to I just don't want to you to. I don't want you to leave it on the shelf, I don't want to be forgotten, I don't want you to need to be without me when you don't want to be. I don't want to lose.
I never want to leave I never want to stop, I never want to spend a minute in this place doing the same thing I did 3 years ago. I'm doing everything new and different and all over again and I am a different person.

Sometimes you can hide it all away, sometimes you can hide it all away for so long, everything. Then you see something, something that boils your blood and sends it straight to your head, and you don't give a fuck about whether you know the half or the whole of it, whether it pertains to you, whether it is what it seems. All of the love that you feel for someone turns to anger when you see that person being hurt.
. a catalyst
"next."
~red~

post script - and i still dont get it all out. I can't feel like I've expressed a wit of what I want to, like I've conveyed... ... I'd like to just fall to the floor on my knees with my hands to the floor.

May 20th . Oompa Loompa anyone?
They got a kick out of this, so I share it with you.
My buddy icon.
~red~

May 20th . System of a Down - ATWA
I've got so much I could write, kinda want to write, will write when I have time, but I said it was work time again at 2, and so at 2 it will be work time. No fuckin around, delaying, etcetera. Sunday I did a good hour of Chem, and this morning I meant to do another hour and ended up knocking of an hour and a half, a whole chapter. I'd done it twice before (At TV in 11th, poorly with Mrs Regener, and I think when I started homeschooling I probably did it) but it was good to review it because I know it for sure now. Did you know that electron's occupy equal energy orbitals so that the maximum number of unpaired electrons exist? Yeah well, Hund knows that. And now I do too, like it or not. I suppose I've known it, just not as the rule.

So, 4 minutes till I go back to work. I spent most of last weekend downloading mp3's. NOFX, a few System of a Down, this cool guy named Tweaker, Masta Ace, Smashing Pumpkins, and some Tom Petty, and Elliot Smith are what make most of my playlist now. And Portishead. I always forget that Sour Times and Nobody Loves Me are the same song misnamed and download both without thinking. =P.

So much to figure out... but I need to focus on schoolwork. Ay ai ay.
~red~

May 18th . spontaneously
'Tis human to love. I'm sure someone else thought of that before I did while I was doing the dishes.

I feel very FLCL right now. The Pillows fit, everything feels out of control, and it's hard to tell what's real and what isn't. I suppose I can be thankful that, if nothing else, atleast there aren't robots growing out of my forehead.
I wish Dubblix was around to go driving. It's a lot easier to go driving for the feeling when you're getting 40+ mpg.
. | . Hmm, download's done, guess I'll go play Tristan's character for him like I was going to. What was I going to write? Oh. Spontaneous and overwhelming depression - blegh, it's not the coolest. I guess it's not really spontaneous, it just seems like it because the dam bursts in such a sudden fashion when you wait so long. Or something. Blark.
~red~

May 17th . Blue skies... sunshine..
"I'd like to know who it was that said it was all good..." Take A Walk - Masta Ace.
Also playing:
Perfect - SP
Rotten Apples - SP
Ghost - Micheal Jackson
Amber - 311
'93 till Infinity - Souls of Mischief
Last Dinosaur - The Pillows
Tom Petty, trance, Orbital, etcet.
~red~